Wednesday, June 6, 2012
But there is one last secret which I didn't share. I suppose I wasn't ready. I suppose I still felt a sense of embarrassment, however unnecessary it may be. I didn't share this last secret out of respect for my children and my late husband. I'm not one who likes to air people's dirty laundry. While my late husband may not have respected himself, I have always honored him as my husband, in death as much as in life. I believe that is how God would have it. I strive to be an honorable women, and so I have tried my best to honor him. I know I've failed at times. I called him names, I've shouted at the sky to him. But I always wanted people to remember him for the good that was in him and not sensationalize his downfalls.
Several weeks ago, the thing I dreaded, the final secret made its way public. The details surrounding my late husband's life falling apart, that I had guarded for so long, were released in the media. My life, and personal pain was sensationalized for all to see, simply because its a "good story" and it sells! Looking back I almost laugh because its been so typical in my healing process for me to face everything which I have tried so hard to avoid. God has brought me full circle to face everything I held as a symbol of pain, everything that I wanted to forget.
Perhaps I couldn't truly move on with skeletons in the closet. Perhaps I needed to face the pain, for the pain to heal. I equate it to a broken bone, the kind where the doctor has to break it again so it heals properly. Thats been my story. My late husband broke some bones, and in order for me to heal properly and regain full use of my life again, those broken bones must be broken again and reset into place. It hurt when it happened, and it hurt when I faced it again. But each time I move past it I feel freer than before. I feel another chain, another weight taken off of me. My step and stride is lighter, easier and happier.
I've faced the places I equate with pain, I've faced the people who were instruments of pain, and I've now faced the public humiliation of his actions. Although I was afraid, and tried to avoid facing it, I'm glad God had me do it. I trust God enough to let Him guide me through this process, to take my hand and show me all the things I didn't want to see. I am glad He was there holding my hand. And now as I walk away, I hold my head up high. Because I am free! Nothing has a hold on me. Nothing has power over me: not a secret, a person, an action, or my past. I no longer want to define myself, or let others define me by my past experiences. Taylor Swift sings it best, "Who you are is not where you've been... Your still an innocent."