Tuesday, January 31, 2012


God is faithful.  He never ceases to amaze me! And He does hear and answer our prayers!

The other day I had seeds of doubt planted in my heart regarding my decision to sell my home.  I knew that God was speaking to me, calling me to do this.  Yet a situation arose that caused me to doubt.  So I asked God to confirm it.  "God I truly believe with my whole heart that I am hearing your voice.  But I want to be sure, will you confirm to me that I am doing the right thing?" No more than 24 hours later as I am reading God's Generals, by Roberts Liardon, for a homework assignment I come across the following:

I stopped in awe.  Could it be any clearer? In case I was doubting God spoke directly to my heart, my exact situation through a hero of the faith who lived over 100 years ago.  I love God! He really is that good.  Even though I knew I was being led by Him, He met me where I was and sent me confirmation that not only was I hearing His voice, but that by following I would touch more people for Him!

God promises us to be that still small voice behind us saying, "this is the way, walk in it!"  Yet even when He does, we may question.  God in His grace and faithfulness, doesn't become irritated and pull back.  No, He comes to our level and continues to speak.  He will often send us a message several times, through several vessels, in several ways, because He loves us that much.  He doesn't want us to miss what He is saying, He desires us to live in His perfect will.  And He takes the time to not only whisper, or speak, but to confirm it as well.  That's my God! And He is amazing!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Sacrifice is Never Easy

Sacrifice is never easy.  When God asks something big of you, it may hurt, and it may be hard to do.  I don't believe that He always asks hard things of us, but there are times when obeying God is a sacrifice.  God is a jealous God, and when we place things above Him, it will hurt to give them up, or to realign our life the way it should be.

Lately I've been working through the emotion of the next steps of my healing journey, and all that it means.  God has revealed to me that I have placed my house as an idol above Him.  And before I can truly move on in my healing as a widow, I need to deal with the idol.  It is very hard for me to downsize all that I have.  My possessions have become my personal "arrival" in life, or a sign of all I have accomplished.  I know God is calling me on to something greater, and when I get there it is going to be wonderful.  But today, as I prepare to start cleaning stuff up, giving stuff away, and downsizing, its hard.  And it hurts!  Sacrifice is never easy.

Think of Abraham.  God told him to sacrifice his only son: the miracle child God gave him.   This was to be a literal sacrifice.  Lay your son on the altar, slay him, and set the altar on fire! I can't help but wonder, why did God ask that of Him?  Was Abraham a bit like me? Did He unknowingly put his beloved son Issac above God? Was Issac the symbol of Abraham's life accomplishment? Did God need to be put back in His proper place in Abrahams life? Regardless of why, God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son.  I can't even imagine how hard obeying that command must have been. But Abraham set out to do it.  After seeing Abrahams willingness, God stopped him at the very last minute.  God saw Abraham was willing to have nothing come between him and God, and provided a ram for the sacrifice instead.  Even so, that day must have been one of the hardest in Abraham's life.  Sacrifice is hard.

Look at Jesus.  He had a glorious and wonderful life in Heaven.  Yet he sacrificed it all, leaving behind everything.  He was God, and He laid it all down to come to earth as a man.  There was nothing easy about that.  Now fast forward 33 years to the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus knew He was going to be arrested, beaten beyond recognition, whipped within a breathe of His life, then mocked and hung naked on a cross until death.  He cried as He sought God for strength to face it.  He cried so hard he bled.  Jesus was sacrificing it all so that we could enjoy eternity with Him in Heaven. Sacrifice is hard.

Finally I think of the rich young ruler who asked Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life.  Jesus told him to sell all of his things. Why? Because those things owned him.  They were idols in His life.  His things had replaced God as his source, and he found his identity and measure of success in them.  God knew.  He is a jealous God.  He says, "have nothing before me!"  I believe Jesus asked Him to sell his belongs for this reason: they were above God.  Unwilling, the rich young ruler walked away sad, because he had many possessions (Mark 10:17-22). Sacrifice is hard.

I feel very much like this rich young ruler. I unknowingly have placed some things above God.  If they weren't above Him, it wouldn't be so hard.  But unlike the ruler, I recognize that God doesn't take away from us.  He only adds.  Its like planting a seed in the ground.  By giving up what I have, God is adding peace to my life.  By down sizing, God is adding stability to my situation.  By ridding myself of idols, God is adding the promise of His blessing in my life.  By closing the door on this chapter of my life, God is adding a new future, new memories, the opportunity for a new family and building a new life together with them. It is not going to be easy.  But I know one day soon I will be writing you from the other side.  I will be saying how free I feel, and how I wish I had done it sooner.

Sacrifice is hard... but it is always worth it!

Friday, January 27, 2012


Sitting in class today my pastor shared an insight, which perhaps he thought to be a very random bunny trail.  However that couldn't be farther from the truth.  The words he spoke, which came from his personal prayer time, where like heaven speaking directly to me  If the clouds could have parted and God spoke to me, I believe this is exactly what He would have said to me.

Since becoming a widow I have often looked at Ruth as my hero, my model. I relate so much to her that I named this blog after her.  But Naomi who is also a widow, I have overlooked.  My pastor shared how Naomi left the land of Judah during a famine, hard times, and went to a foreign country called Moab.  While there her sons married Moabite women, which was against the Jewish law. During their time in Moab, Naomi's husband and both sons died.  When she heard report that things had turned around in Judah, she journeyed back.  She said "I went out full, but the Lord has brought me home again empty" (Ruth 1:21).

I have been struggling recently with a decision.  I believe God is prompting me to give up the last of my possessions: my house.  It is a very hard thing for me.  I truly love my house.  I have told several people that my house is all I have left.  That because of the issues present in my family before my late husband's passing, I had lost everything I dreamed of.  And this house, my dream house, was all that remained.  Not to mention all the belongings I have to fill it.  Intellectually and financially it makes sense to down size, but my heart is struggling with this decision.

So as I hear these words of Naomi's in class, I started to cry.  I can relate to what she has experienced, and the impact of her words are a sobering truth.  I left the land of Judah full, and I have been wandering in this foreign land of Moab, where I have encountered hardships, trials and loss, just as Naomi did.  And now the time has come.  God is calling me back to Judah, back to the land where He has a promise for me.  Back to the place where His hand is stretched out to give blessing.  But am I willing to meet the requirement to come back empty?

Naomi returned to Judah and what ensued was a blessing no man could have conjured, or even predicted.  By the means of her daughter in law, Ruth, Naomi is restored.  She is given a family, and provided for.  She experiences a blessing far greater than if she had stayed in Moab.  Her decedents included King David, and Jesus!

As I ponder Naomi's story I realize God is calling me to come back to Him, empty.  To close the door on my time in Moab, leave it all behind and let Him create a new story from my life.  He is asking me, "Jenn, will you follow me?  Will you give up all that you have, all your possessions?  Will you serve me?  Or will you worship your house; your mark of achievement?  Chose today who you will serve, your house or the one true God who has a much greater end in sight for you than you can imagine."

I went out full, but the Lord has called me to return to Him empty.  And I will gladly give up all I have to follow Him.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


I'm terrified!  Its hard to admit it.  I am terrified of change.  I don't know where my life is heading, or where I am going to be in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, etc.  I am terrified that I don't have all the information to make the decisions I need to make for today.  I am terrified of not having control over my life.  Most of all I'm terrified of making a mistake.

As one who has seen her whole world shift in an instant more than once, I yearn for a normal life, a predictable life.  And dare I say, a boring life.  I have had enough excitement to last me a life time.  I just want to know where I am heading, what I will be doing and who I will be doing it with.  It doesn't seem like too much to ask.  Yet God requires us to walk by faith, trusting Him.  

I feel like I'm walking down a trail through the woods blindfolded. Yes God is holding my hands, and he's pulling and directing me.  He leads me through that still small voice.  I know He's got it all figured out and under control, yet I still wish I could take the blind fold off.  I wish I could look down the path 2 months ahead, even a year ahead.  I wish I knew where the path was taking me.  Am I walking towards a lake? A field? Exactly where am I headed?

Change is scary.  Not having control is scary.  In the moment when I was widowed my life changed. In that moment, that second when I heard those words, and saw it with my own eyes, I lost control.  Everything changed! I could no longer control my life and chose its course.  The path I was headed down came to a dead end, and I couldn't see a clear trail leading any direction.  My emotional capacity changed.  My parenting changed.  My lifestyle changed.  My pain changed.  My story changed.  Everything! My career, my dreams, my focus, all changed in that one moment.  I no longer had control over any of it.

So even though I stand at the top of this trail thats leading me somewhere wonderful, I'm terrified. I'm walking cautiously, testing the ground as I go. I know that there is a greater life than the one I had and the one I am in now, but I am still scared of it.  I don't want to miss my turn on the path.  I don't want to stumble over a tree root I could have avoided.  I don't want to get to the bottom of this trail and realize I missed the journey because I was too focused on the destination.  I'm afraid to leave the meadow, because I am comfortable here.  And taking this path, into the unknown, is not comfortable.

It takes trust. It takes faith.  I feel like Ruth in this moment.  She had lost it all, and was ready to walk away from everything she knew to be with her mother in law, Naomi.  Despite Naomi's pleadings to Ruth to return to her own home, Ruth was determined to follow her.  

"For wherever you go, I will go;  And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; 
Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God." Ruth 1:16

I am sure Ruth was scared.  She was leaving her country and all she had ever known.  She must have been terrified just like I feel today.  But she walked the path anyway.  And God blessed her.  God sent a redeemer kinsman, and her whole life changed again, this time for the better. Thats the hope I cling to.  I am scared, I am afraid of change, and I'm not in control.  But the God of Ruth is my God.  And even though its change and its scary, its for the better!

"11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A Break

I've shared so much recently about the difficulties of being a single mom.  God didn't create us to do this job alone.  There was a reason he placed children within the confines of marriage, giving them a mother and a father.  And since my son lost his dad there has been a huge void in both of our lives.  I would never have imagined how hard it would be.  My situation is especially tough, being a widow, and having very little support to help me.  I am basically with my son 24/7/365.  I do get the occasional overnight at grandmas- approximately 18 hours.  Oh and my son attends preschool for 2 1/2 hours twice a week.  Other than that we are together.... ALL THE TIME!

Now I love my son, more than anything in this world! He is my sunshine, no doubt! But its exhausting being "on" all the time.  I'm constantly drained, constantly tired, and constantly wishing I could have a break.  Well this weekend I got one!  It was the first time I really got away and got to be "Jenn", in 14 months.  I went up north for 3 full days, and my son stayed behind at a good friend's house.  I knew he was in good hands, and was getting some quality "guy time" which he seriously needed.  I had a great weekend, saw some of the local sights, hung out with friends at a game night, and even got in a nice 6.5 mile run!

When I left him I had tears in my eyes.  And when I picked him up I swear he seemed much older.  But beyond that, something happened this weekend.  The long awaited break and relaxation I've been missing happened.  When I arrived home all I wanted to do was be with my boy.  I even let him stay up late because I missed him and genuinely wanted to stay around him.  And the next day I took the entire day off and spent the majority of my time with him. We played, we did crafts, and we read.  For the first time in a long time I had energy and desire to play with him.  I didn't have a list on the top of my head of all the things I needed to do.  I had a refreshing of patience.  I had a new strength.  And it showed up in my interactions with him.

I've been saying for a long time, that if I could just get away from time to time I would be a much better mom.  And for 14 months circumstances have prevented it.  Thankfully God has adjusted a few things in my life which gave the opportunity to have this break; time away from being mom, and just enjoy my life.   And I discovered I was right, and the result was not only a happier mom but a blessed boy.  Taking a significant amount of time away from the pressures and stresses of my life really made a difference.  It was worth the tears when I left him.  It was worth the worries and fears I faced to go away.  It was worth it to come home to a little boy who loves me, and wants my attention, only to discover that I was able to give to him more than I did before.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A Whole New Fear

Last weekend I drove for the first time this winter through snow covered roads.  And I realized something changed.  Something happened to me the day I became a widow, and I didn't recognize it until a year later. I felt it that day driving home, and it reminded me of the first time I felt it when I left Gabriel for the half marathon last fall... My mortality.  It seems when I travel away from my son I am much more aware of the fact that I am all he has, and if something happens to me, he will have nothing.  And in that moment I am covered with fear.

So I drove for 2 hours down I-75, on snow covered roads.  I drove slow, but ever mindful of how steep the hill was on the other side of the shoulder.  "Yup that's steep enough that I would die," or "if I slid off the road here I might flip, or roll."  What a horror to drive down the road morbidly aware of every danger that could end your life and rob your son of his only parent.  Its fear.  And its no way to live.

I prayed as I drove, and took authority over the fear, but still it lingered.  "Fear you must go! God hasn't given me a spirit of fear in Jesus' name."  But it continued.  It was overwhelming.  Then I recalled the movie I watched the night before, how the man was instructed to envision the golf shot before ever attempting it. Once he envisioned it, and took the swing, he made the shot just like he saw in his mind.  I realized I was doing this.  All my visions of my van driving off the road, over the edge of a steep hill, was envisioning a crash.  I had to stop. And I had to stop immediately.

I was stressed, I was full of fear, I was anxious.  I knew I needed a break.  So once I approached the outlet mall, I took an hour for retail therapy.  Not only was it a successful session: I was calm and relaxed, but the hour made the road conditions much more favorable.  So I continued my trip home, and was thrilled to make it there safely and into my son's arms.

Today's post has no great lesson, no secret to overcoming.  It is simply my realization of how losing a spouse can impact your life, create fear, and put you in bondage.  For me its a battle with fear to take a trip apart from my son.  I'm learning to put my trust in God that He will protect me.  And I'm realizing that maybe I'm not ready to drive in snow so far from home.  I know God created me to live in freedom.  I know I don't have to be afraid of not being there for my boy as he grows.  I know I have to find God's promises on fear, and say them, read them and pray them.  The fear I felt last week was heart wrenching and I am believing God to break me free from its power.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


I hear it over and over: Jenn, you are an inspiration.  On the surface its a really amazing statement to have said about you, that's for sure.  But underneath there is a longing in my heart.  I don't want to be anyone's inspiration.  I just want to be a normal girl, with a normal life.  I would much rather have a happy ending then have lived through the hell I have and be an inspiration.  However that isn't a choice I have had.

Don't get me wrong, its not that I don't want to tell my story and encourage others, because I do.  It's not that I don't want to be used by God, because I want that more than anything else.  It just seems the price I paid to inspire others was more costly than I would have liked.  I think any woman would chose a seemingly blessed and peaceful life and be off the radar, than to live through the horrible situations I have, and receive people's admiration.

The pain and the hurt, however, was my path.  And since I have walked it, I am glad my story inspires you.  Maybe you find strength to walk out your own widowhood.  Perhaps you are a woman who has experienced a different type of loss or pain, and find my life an inspiration to start blogging your story.  You could even be a woman whose life in general is neat and orderly without significant drama and pain, and my story inspires you about God's faithfulness even when things are hard.  I appreciate that opportunity to impact your life, and don't take it lightly.

Truly though, I am no one special. I am just a woman who loves Jesus.  A woman who found herself in the most painful challenges in which a wife could be.  I'm just a girl who learned how to trust God to carry her through the small trials, so when the big ones came I knew the source to get me through.  I'm an empty vessel who lets God move through her to touch the world.  So when people say I'm an inspiration, I'm grateful, but I'm humbled.  Its not me that you see.  It's my faith, my Jesus who promised me "all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose," Romans 8:28.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I Never Thought

I would have to say with out a doubt the hardest part of my widowhood is single parenting.  I have a wonderful little almost 4 year old boy.  He is cute, adorable, full of love, but every ounce of age 4 and boy!  While he is my greatest joy, he is also my greatest challenge.

One of the biggest struggles I have had in parenting this past year is understanding the balance between correction and grace.  See I am a person who does everything by the book.  Every action has a clear cut response.  There is a proper way to handle situations.  This was how I parented up until Nov. 24, 2010.  But on that day when "daddy" died, the rule book changed.  All of a sudden there is no magical formula.  The boy who once would lay in bed for over an hour and fall asleep on his own disappeared.  The solutions I once had to solve his behaviors no longer work.  Everyone has their opinions and their advice, a rule book of their own.  But what they don't understand is the rule book doesn't work anymore.  What worked last week, may not work tonight.

Then add in grief.  I'm a healthy adult. I have a strong relationship with the Lord.  I have even gone through some counseling.  Yet I am still grieving.  I am still processing. I am still healing.  With all the coping mechanisms I have in place, I still get overwhelmed, overloaded, and my emotional capacity reduced.  Now picture a 4 year old:  no coping skills, no counseling, no processing, no relationship with the Lord.  No wonder he acts out from time to time.  No wonder he runs and hides.  No wonder he doesn't want to be alone in bed.

Here comes the balance.  How do I know if my son's behaviors are acting out in defiance, or acting out in grief?  And how do I respond?  I want to comfort grief, and discipline defiance, but the lines are not that clear.  There really is no way for me to know.  So I trust in God to lead me.  His Spirit inside of me, guides me when to be gentle and when to be firm.  I'm not saying I always get it right, because I don't.  But I am in a process, and I feel the longer I walk in it, the better at parenting this grieving boy I become.

I never thought I would lay in bed with my son at night to help him fall asleep... but I do.  I never thought I would let him crawl in bed with me in the middle of the night each night... but he does.  I never thought I would be that mom who counts to 3 to get her son to listen... but it works.  I never thought I would be that mom who puts that cute puppy back pack on her son while on a trip.... you know the one with the really long tail that just happens to have a handle?  My heart is to take the best care of my son, and if it means throwing out the rule book, looking away from other's opinions and judgements, and letting that still small voice of God lead me in handling my son, I will do it.

Monday, January 9, 2012


I've been around a lot of women lately who are struggling. They are struggling with their marriage, they are struggling with their separations, they are struggling with their coping mechanisms.  Different paths, different situations, yet all are struggling.

As I was running last week I had this realization: Every path has its own challenges.  I have 3 different paths that I choose for my runs.  The first has has hills and horrible wind for the first mile.  The second path has some hills, isn't well kept leaving ice on the path, and is a little shorter than what I desire.  The third path is a flat trail, that just keeps going for about 16 miles.  I choose my path based on the weather, and the length I'm desiring to run.  So last week when I ran 9 miles, I chose the flat path.  I knew it would cover the distance I needed, and because it was flat I figured it would be easier.  That was when I realized this life lesson.  This flat path did have challenges.  They were different challenges than the wind, or the hills, but a challenge none the less.  I was running straight, down a trail, no curves, little change in scenery, just flat and straight for 9 miles! It was long, and it just kept going, and going.  It was a mentally challenging path.

What a powerful analogy for life.  Every path has its challenges.  We so often think, if this one area would change, if this path didn't have the hills, it would be so much easier.  Until we get on that path just to realize, it may not have hills, but its covered with ice.  My previous pastor always said, "the grass may be greener on the other side, but it still has to be mowed." 

So I challenge you today: whatever situation you are facing, whatever your path, your struggles, don't put your solution in changing paths.  Because I promise you the challenges will be there.  They will just be different.  If you are struggling in your marriage, and you think leaving is the answer to happiness, be warned, every path has its challenges.  The single path is not necessarily easier- it just has different challenges.  If you are struggling with being a single mom, and you think finding that special man will take your problems away, be warned, every path has its challenges.  

Challenges are just part of life.  They build character.  They make us stronger.  I would not be the powerful, confident woman of God I am today if it weren't for the challenges in my life.  So as you make your decisions, as you face your struggles, remember what Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) You will not be able avoid challenges, and if you change paths just to do so you find yourself frustrated and confused.  Rather seek Jesus in those times of trouble.  He has overcome them and will lead you to overcome them as well!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Trust Again

I'm finding myself in the situation where I am needing to trust someone I have just met.  And today it has been so strong in my heart: I can still trust!  And I am shocked.  After all the deceit, the lies, and the issues, you would think I would have a hard heart.  It would be completely normal for me to put up a wall, be extremely guarded and even be suspicious.  But I'm not.  And that is nothing short of a miracle!

I still believe in the goodness of people.  I still believe that people are honest, and take what they say at face value.  I still am able to open myself up to another person, and let them see my heart.  Why? Why have I not been scarred from a life of being taken advantage of, manipulated and deceived? Its because of my relationship with God!

God is trustworthy.  He has always been faithful to me, even in the messes, God has been there.  God believes the best of me even when I make mistakes.  God is love.  God never closes himself off even when so many have rejected Him.  He continually puts Himself out there.  And He always gives unselfishly.  I can trust God.

Because God's spirit lives in me, I have the same ability and potential to trust as He does.  It doesn't mean I walk into situations naive.  But rather, I listen to God's Spirit within me, and act wisely.  Its just common sense to be cautious.  But cautious and guarded are to very different things.  I am so grateful not only to have this opportunity to trust others, but that I can confidently say I still trust people!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Secret

I carried a secret.  I couldn't tell people. No one could know.  My husband had addiction issues, and it was our family secret.  We put on our smiles and went to church each Sunday, and no one knew.  We visited his family twice a year and pretended everything was fine, and they never knew.

People only know what you tell them.  They may observe or sense that something is off, but in the end its still a secret.  And it eats at you.  Even though the issues weren't mine, I carried the shame and embarrassment.  I felt people would look at me differently if they knew how messed up our home had become.  I wondered if they would question my integrity and morals because of his integrity breaches and moral failures.  So I kept a secret from as many people as possible.  And I had to.  He was my husband and I couldn't publicly air his dirty laundry. I had to honor him, and protect him. After all, love covers a multitude of sins.  Or at least that was what I told myself.

A select handful of people knew, and I'm grateful that I had the courage to tell them. Because I needed help.  I needed support.  I needed encouragement.  I needed prayers.  The weight of that secret could have torn me apart without my friends knowing.  When my heart was broken, I was frustrated, or I didn't think I could handle one more thing happening, they were there.  They kept me from falling apart.  They carried some of the weight.  But they were the only ones that understood the intensity of the issues tearing our lives apart.

On the day he died of a drug overdose, I had a secret.  The secret killed him, but how could I share it now?  Was I ready? How do I air his dirty laundry at the funeral meant to honor his life? How do I explain to his parents that he died when they had no idea how sick he was.  And then there is my step daughter.  What would life be like for her, if everyone knew the truth of how he died?  Its hard enough for her to stand in the funeral home, staring at pictures of a life she can never again have, glancing across the room at the shell of what once was her hero; but to know everyone knew the secret? I couldn't do it.  Personally, I wasn't ready.  I carried the shame of his addiction.  I felt "guilty by association."  

So I didn't say.  I can imagine the confusion people must have had. The questions of how a young 38 year old husband and father could now be lying in a casket.  But I did what was right for my family.  I wanted to honor Jonathan.  His addictions may have killed him, but I would not let them define him.  I wanted my daughter to be free to grieve and deal with the loss without being concerned about people talking bad about her dad.  And I needed time to process.  I needed to process what had just happened, what we just lived through, and gain strength to share what was secret for so long.

And even though I didn't have the issues, I always felt that people would judge me for his actions.  If he was addicted to drugs and alcohol wouldn't I have been involved? Perhaps they would even judge the kind of wife I was, because of his problems. When they asked what happened at the funeral home, I simply said, "We don't have all the answers yet, the autopsy report hasn't come back yet."  And that was true.  Of course several government agencies needed the actual cause of death, and as I told them, I felt this need to say, "But I don't live my life that way."

Isn't it sad that I would feel the shame, even though the actions weren't mine? It seems ironic but thats what happens.  As wives, as mothers, we feel a need to protect.  I still feel the weight of the secret, even though I'm much more open about sharing what happened. I have had time to process, and I know that someone out there needs to hear my story, so they can make it through theirs.  I'm careful who I share with, and what I share.  But I've learned that secrets destroy.  I can not cover up his sins, his addictions, and his issues any longer.  But even as I share, I can honor him, and his memory.  I can help women find strength.  I can be free!  

A secret is bondage.  It ties you to the very thing you most want to be free of.  There is power in sharing and reaching out.  The power comes from exposing the secret.  What secrets are you carrying today? I encourage you, find a safe person to share them.  Don't carry that weight, to take on another person's burden.  Speak it out and find freedom.  I have.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


There is a song that carried me through some of the hardest times I have faced.  It reminded me who I am, what I am worth, and that even though life is hard now, it is not what God has destined me for.  I would like to share it with you, before you read today's blog.

Its amazing how a song can move you, touch you, bring you strength or healing.  This song did all of that for me.  I was hurting, I was broken.  I believed the lies that all my dreams would never come true, and I had resigned myself to a life full of sorrow and heart break.  But God had something so much greater for me.  And He needed me to believe it and see it, even if only in my mind, before it could ever happen.  

One morning I remember getting in the car and saying, God I can't do this anymore.  I am so confused.  I need to hear from you a confirmation that the steps I am taking are the ones you want me to take.  I started my car and this song played.  It wasn't one I had heard many times before, maybe just once.  And to be honest in the season I needed it, it was seldom on the radio.  But each time I heard, it was at the exact moment I was questioning or doubting.  In the times when I was wondering if my life was ever gonna turn around, there God was singing to me through the radio saying:

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You are made for so much more than all of this.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You are sacred, you are treasured, you are His.

I  needed a reminder that even though life was challenging, hard and painful, that God had a plan.  He saw me as precious, even when my husband didn't.  He knew my worth, when I was so beat up by life, that I couldn't see it.  

I don't know you, or your situation. Maybe like me you are a widow.  Maybe you are facing a divorce like I was.  Maybe you sit in bed crying at night just wanting your husband to love you, want you, or even talk to you.  Perhaps your the woman who carries the family secret of your husbands addictions, affairs, or suicidal threats.  I may not know you, but I know our God! And I know that you are made for SO MUCH MORE than all of that.  I know that He loves you more than anything.  I know that, like He did for me, He will give you strength.  He will help you to rediscover your worth.  He will show you that your situation does not define you!  He will help you to truly believe with all your heart that you are beautiful!