Change

I'm terrified!  Its hard to admit it.  I am terrified of change.  I don't know where my life is heading, or where I am going to be in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, etc.  I am terrified that I don't have all the information to make the decisions I need to make for today.  I am terrified of not having control over my life.  Most of all I'm terrified of making a mistake.

As one who has seen her whole world shift in an instant more than once, I yearn for a normal life, a predictable life.  And dare I say, a boring life.  I have had enough excitement to last me a life time.  I just want to know where I am heading, what I will be doing and who I will be doing it with.  It doesn't seem like too much to ask.  Yet God requires us to walk by faith, trusting Him.  


I feel like I'm walking down a trail through the woods blindfolded. Yes God is holding my hands, and he's pulling and directing me.  He leads me through that still small voice.  I know He's got it all figured out and under control, yet I still wish I could take the blind fold off.  I wish I could look down the path 2 months ahead, even a year ahead.  I wish I knew where the path was taking me.  Am I walking towards a lake? A field? Exactly where am I headed?


Change is scary.  Not having control is scary.  In the moment when I was widowed my life changed. In that moment, that second when I heard those words, and saw it with my own eyes, I lost control.  Everything changed! I could no longer control my life and chose its course.  The path I was headed down came to a dead end, and I couldn't see a clear trail leading any direction.  My emotional capacity changed.  My parenting changed.  My lifestyle changed.  My pain changed.  My story changed.  Everything! My career, my dreams, my focus, all changed in that one moment.  I no longer had control over any of it.

So even though I stand at the top of this trail thats leading me somewhere wonderful, I'm terrified. I'm walking cautiously, testing the ground as I go. I know that there is a greater life than the one I had and the one I am in now, but I am still scared of it.  I don't want to miss my turn on the path.  I don't want to stumble over a tree root I could have avoided.  I don't want to get to the bottom of this trail and realize I missed the journey because I was too focused on the destination.  I'm afraid to leave the meadow, because I am comfortable here.  And taking this path, into the unknown, is not comfortable.


It takes trust. It takes faith.  I feel like Ruth in this moment.  She had lost it all, and was ready to walk away from everything she knew to be with her mother in law, Naomi.  Despite Naomi's pleadings to Ruth to return to her own home, Ruth was determined to follow her.  

"For wherever you go, I will go;  And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; 

Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God." Ruth 1:16

I am sure Ruth was scared.  She was leaving her country and all she had ever known.  She must have been terrified just like I feel today.  But she walked the path anyway.  And God blessed her.  God sent a redeemer kinsman, and her whole life changed again, this time for the better. Thats the hope I cling to.  I am scared, I am afraid of change, and I'm not in control.  But the God of Ruth is my God.  And even though its change and its scary, its for the better!

"¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

A Whole New Fear

Last weekend I drove for the first time this winter through snow covered roads.  And I realized something changed.  Something happened to me the day I became a widow, and I didn't recognize it until a year later. I felt it that day driving home, and it reminded me of the first time I felt it when I left Gabriel for the half marathon last fall... My mortality.  It seems when I travel away from my son I am much more aware of the fact that I am all he has, and if something happens to me, he will have nothing.  And in that moment I am covered with fear.

So I drove for 2 hours down I-75, on snow covered roads.  I drove slow, but ever mindful of how steep the hill was on the other side of the shoulder.  "Yup that's steep enough that I would die," or "if I slid off the road here I might flip, or roll."  What a horror to drive down the road morbidly aware of every danger that could end your life and rob your son of his only parent.  Its fear.  And its no way to live.

I prayed as I drove, and took authority over the fear, but still it lingered.  "Fear you must go! God hasn't given me a spirit of fear in Jesus' name."  But it continued.  It was overwhelming.  Then I recalled the movie I watched the night before, how the man was instructed to envision the golf shot before ever attempting it. Once he envisioned it, and took the swing, he made the shot just like he saw in his mind.  I realized I was doing this.  All my visions of my van driving off the road, over the edge of a steep hill, was envisioning a crash.  I had to stop. And I had to stop immediately.

I was stressed, I was full of fear, I was anxious.  I knew I needed a break.  So once I approached the outlet mall, I took an hour for retail therapy.  Not only was it a successful session: I was calm and relaxed, but the hour made the road conditions much more favorable.  So I continued my trip home, and was thrilled to make it there safely and into my son's arms.

Today's post has no great lesson, no secret to overcoming.  It is simply my realization of how losing a spouse can impact your life, create fear, and put you in bondage.  For me its a battle with fear to take a trip apart from my son.  I'm learning to put my trust in God that He will protect me.  And I'm realizing that maybe I'm not ready to drive in snow so far from home.  I know God created me to live in freedom.  I know I don't have to be afraid of not being there for my boy as he grows.  I know I have to find God's promises on fear, and say them, read them and pray them.  The fear I felt last week was heart wrenching and I am believing God to break me free from its power.