Closing the Door

I'm sitting here in my bed on the last night in my house.  All my things are packed, and along with it all my dreams.  This was my dream house. It was the place I was going to fill with children, raise my family, and grow old with my husband.  Its everything I ever wanted.  But tonight its empty.  Its void. Its merely a frame.


All my belongings are packed, and along with it I am taking the dreams, the hopes, and the visions of happiness I once equated to the house.  I have realized through this entire packing, selling my belongings and moving process that a house is simply that: a frame of wood which we purpose to fill.  What makes a house special isn't the size of the walk in closet, the jetted tub, or even the gorgeous cherry kitchen.  Its the people inside. Its having a family that loves each other inside of it.  Its the husband coming home, and the wife and children excited to see him.  Its the talks on the back deck, snuggling on the couch, and family discussion around the dinner table.  


I had none of those things here.  My dream house was more of a nightmare.  The hardest years of our marriage were here.  The darkest moments my husband had were here.  The utter emptiness which rested upon our marriage happened here.  It was here that I took a stand against emotional control.  It was here that I watched my husband fall apart.  It was here that I equate with his death.  Tonight my house is empty.  Its empty like my dreams for the family we once had.  Its empty, just as my marriage was in those last months.  The house is empty.

The house is empty, but I am not.  I am full of hope. I realized that the dreams I once had of raising babies, and growing old with the man I love are still possible.  God isn't done with me, or my son.  I've packed my dreams, and placed them in God's hands.  Yes its gonna look different than I had planned.  It will be in a different house, with a different man, and a different family dynamic.  But change can be wonderful.  I'm ready to let go of this house, the failed dreams and the scars.  I'm ready to leave the memories, the hurt, the struggles.  I'm ready to close the door on this part of my life and step forward into my future.

I am sure when I leave tomorrow I will cry.  How can I not?  I plan to walk through the rooms of this empty house leaving behind what was.  And as I close the door one last time, I will close the door on my painful past, and step towards my wonderful future.  I will grab my Daddy's hand, and say "I'm ready God.  I'm ready for the plans YOU have for me."


For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  -Jeremiah 29:11 

Change

I'm terrified!  Its hard to admit it.  I am terrified of change.  I don't know where my life is heading, or where I am going to be in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, etc.  I am terrified that I don't have all the information to make the decisions I need to make for today.  I am terrified of not having control over my life.  Most of all I'm terrified of making a mistake.

As one who has seen her whole world shift in an instant more than once, I yearn for a normal life, a predictable life.  And dare I say, a boring life.  I have had enough excitement to last me a life time.  I just want to know where I am heading, what I will be doing and who I will be doing it with.  It doesn't seem like too much to ask.  Yet God requires us to walk by faith, trusting Him.  


I feel like I'm walking down a trail through the woods blindfolded. Yes God is holding my hands, and he's pulling and directing me.  He leads me through that still small voice.  I know He's got it all figured out and under control, yet I still wish I could take the blind fold off.  I wish I could look down the path 2 months ahead, even a year ahead.  I wish I knew where the path was taking me.  Am I walking towards a lake? A field? Exactly where am I headed?


Change is scary.  Not having control is scary.  In the moment when I was widowed my life changed. In that moment, that second when I heard those words, and saw it with my own eyes, I lost control.  Everything changed! I could no longer control my life and chose its course.  The path I was headed down came to a dead end, and I couldn't see a clear trail leading any direction.  My emotional capacity changed.  My parenting changed.  My lifestyle changed.  My pain changed.  My story changed.  Everything! My career, my dreams, my focus, all changed in that one moment.  I no longer had control over any of it.

So even though I stand at the top of this trail thats leading me somewhere wonderful, I'm terrified. I'm walking cautiously, testing the ground as I go. I know that there is a greater life than the one I had and the one I am in now, but I am still scared of it.  I don't want to miss my turn on the path.  I don't want to stumble over a tree root I could have avoided.  I don't want to get to the bottom of this trail and realize I missed the journey because I was too focused on the destination.  I'm afraid to leave the meadow, because I am comfortable here.  And taking this path, into the unknown, is not comfortable.


It takes trust. It takes faith.  I feel like Ruth in this moment.  She had lost it all, and was ready to walk away from everything she knew to be with her mother in law, Naomi.  Despite Naomi's pleadings to Ruth to return to her own home, Ruth was determined to follow her.  

"For wherever you go, I will go;  And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; 

Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God." Ruth 1:16

I am sure Ruth was scared.  She was leaving her country and all she had ever known.  She must have been terrified just like I feel today.  But she walked the path anyway.  And God blessed her.  God sent a redeemer kinsman, and her whole life changed again, this time for the better. Thats the hope I cling to.  I am scared, I am afraid of change, and I'm not in control.  But the God of Ruth is my God.  And even though its change and its scary, its for the better!

"¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Trust Again

I'm finding myself in the situation where I am needing to trust someone I have just met.  And today it has been so strong in my heart: I can still trust!  And I am shocked.  After all the deceit, the lies, and the issues, you would think I would have a hard heart.  It would be completely normal for me to put up a wall, be extremely guarded and even be suspicious.  But I'm not.  And that is nothing short of a miracle!

I still believe in the goodness of people.  I still believe that people are honest, and take what they say at face value.  I still am able to open myself up to another person, and let them see my heart.  Why? Why have I not been scarred from a life of being taken advantage of, manipulated and deceived? Its because of my relationship with God!

God is trustworthy.  He has always been faithful to me, even in the messes, God has been there.  God believes the best of me even when I make mistakes.  God is love.  God never closes himself off even when so many have rejected Him.  He continually puts Himself out there.  And He always gives unselfishly.  I can trust God.

Because God's spirit lives in me, I have the same ability and potential to trust as He does.  It doesn't mean I walk into situations naive.  But rather, I listen to God's Spirit within me, and act wisely.  Its just common sense to be cautious.  But cautious and guarded are to very different things.  I am so grateful not only to have this opportunity to trust others, but that I can confidently say I still trust people!