The Hurt

Its inevitable.  If you run long enough, at some point a part of your body is going to start hurting.  I just ran my third half marathon, that’s 13.1 miles, and around mile 10 my knee started hurting.  It wasn’t an injury.  Thats quite a different feeling.  It was just my body responding the intense pressure I was putting it under by running this distance. 


As I thought about my knee, I remembered my winter runs at the local metropark, and how mysteriously around mile 2 my shins would start to hurt, and eventually, by mile 4 the issue resolved itself.  I thought back to last November when I ran my first half marathon, and my thighs started hurting at mile 10, by mile 11 the thighs were less intense and my calves began to act up.  This hurt was normal.


That’s how it goes with running. You put a demand on your body to perform, a faster pace, an insane distance, and it takes some time to work out the kinks.  Your body may hurt, but if you don’t give up, if you keep running, if you don’t let the hurt move you, it will work itself out.  The hurt surrenders to your drive and perseverance, and further down the path you realize the hurt is gone.  This doesn’t mean a new hurt may not take its place.  There are no guarantees that a half a mile down the path a different part of your body could begin to fight against the plan.  But as you continue to push, as you stay steady to your course, it works itself out. 

As the path led me out of the woods, onto the sidewalk, near mile 11, this reality hit me.  Run through the hurt.  I’ve had some intense demands on my life, I’ve been down some long and winding paths.  And along the way I got hurt.  Life just hurts sometimes.  There are no guarantees that it will be easy and pain free.  But when that hurt comes, we need to respond just like running a half marathon.  Keep running.  Don’t give up.  Don’t surrender to the pain.  Its not an injury.  It will not stop you or cripple you- unless you let it.  


Keep on your path.  Keep running.  Run through the hurt.  And in time, it will work itself out.  In time it will stop hurting.  And when it does you will suddenly be aware that you are closer to your goal than you realized.  You have a choice! When the hurt of life comes, you can stop and surrender, or you can run through the hurt, continue on your path, cross the finish line and receive your medal!

When the day comes

Everyone one of us will encounter one of those days. Its the kind of day that shapes your life, you remember the most odd details from that day.  I remember where I was when the space shuttle challenger blew up.  I remember what I was doing, what I was wearing, and who first told me about the attack on the Twin Towers.  From my own personal life I also have a vivid recall of the blue shiny jammies I wore at age 5 when my dad moved out.  I clearly remember the date 1/26/09, the day my whole life as it was started crumbling.  And on 11/24/2010 when I got "the call" at 5:15 in the morning that my husband had an accident and was in the ER.  Its days like that which impact your life in such tremendous ways.  You almost never see them coming, and it seems as though there is no time to prepare.

One of the great lessons God showed me this weekend was the importance of training.  Come along on a journey with me, and you'll see how it all fits together to those days described above.  I had a "big day" this past weekend, it was the day I ran my first half marathon.  Thats 13.1 miles for you non-runners.  I'd say that's a major life shaping event which I will never forget.  But it didn't start on Saturday.  It started 2 months prior, when I went out and took my first run in preparation.  I was preparing for the big day- even though I didn't even know when or where I was racing.  I went out for 3 strengthening runs each week, starting at 3 miles and increasing up to 5 miles.  I even worked harder by taking my son along with me in the jogging stroller.  During these runs I built capacity, strength, and determination.  Every Saturday I went out for a long run, starting at 4 miles and ending at 9.  I built endurance, I saw my speed increase without effort, I learned to encourage myself when I got tired, I broke every personal record, and I built my ability with a few hills.

This training period lasted for 7 weeks.  It slowly built up my body and muscles to handle a 13.1 mile run.  It got my heart in shape, where I could run over 2 hours, and not lose my breath.  It helped me build confidence and more importantly endurance.  I learned how to work with my body to go the distance.  I was able to try out different methods: pacing, what to eat, what to drink, etc.  When race day came, I was ready.  I was confident.  I knew I was prepared, and that I was going to cross that finish line.  I knew my running well enough that I was able to set and meet a reasonable goal of under 3 hours.

As I ran, I knew the impact my training had on me.  When I passed the 9 mile marker, and I wasn't out of breath or even remotely tired, I knew it was the training kicking it.  When other people started slowing down, and taking more walk breaks, I kept going steady as can be.  I actually had a slightly faster pace the last half of the race, than the first.  I knew when to drink and when not too.  I was completely sure I was going to make it.  And to be honest, while it wasn't "easy", its wasn't a struggle either.  Don't get me wrong, running 13.1 was hard, but because I trained for 2 months and my body was ready I never had a moment of "I can't do it", "I have to walk", or "I just wanna die!".  That didn't happen to me.  After 9 miles I started counting down miles and encouraging myself. I knew I could do it, and mentally it was a very easy sell, because of the training.

Life is exactly the same way.  Remember those days we mentioned before? We are all gonna have them.  Maybe its the day a loved one dies, or you or your spouse lose a job.  Maybe its the day that someone you love receives a horrible diagnosis, or you have a break in a close relationship.  Life is hard, and it happens to everyone.  It seems like it happens out of no where, and you feel unprepared.  But that is not the truth.

We all have a "training" season in life.  Its the good times.  Its when everything is going well.  And how we "train" determines how the event effects us.  I trained for the half marathon and when the day came I conquered.  I was a victor.  I came through it without injury or harm. I came out stronger!  Imagine if I hadn't trained, how different that day would have been.  I wouldn't have finished.  I could've been injured or even died.  I would have left feeling like a failure and a defeat.  I would have said that a half marathon is just too big of an obstacle for me.

So the day my world fell apart, when my husband confessed his secret life to me, or the day he died, I was prepared.  I had been training.  I have a personal relationship with Jesus.  Everyday I spend time with Him.  I read the Bible, I pray, and I worship Him.  Training. When I encounter challenges, even the small ones, I seek Him.  When I read the Bible, it shows me how to live, and I choose to follow those ways.  Training. I sing praise and worship songs to Him, and I thank Him for what He has done in my life.  I attend a church that teaches me how to live, and gives me a personal encounter with His presence.  Its all training.

People would tell me through the funeral process, and even now, "You are so strong".  And I respond, "I'm not.  I'm a girl who knows how to connect with God."  And its true.  Because of my "training" time, I am able to walk through this season knowing I can do it, knowing I won't fail, breathing comfortably because I've set my pace right.  I know I'll cross the finish line, and I'm counting down the miles.  I'm not in a state of despair, or  injured beyond repair.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other saying, "Go on Jenn, 3 more miles.  You can do this!"  I'm not saying its been easy and it hasn't hurt.  It has hurt, more than I hope any of you will ever experience.  But when the day came,  I was prepared.

These days, difficult life events, will come.  But its the training you do now which will determine how you come through this: victor or victim.  I've decided I'm crossing the finish line and I'm gonna receive my medal. I'm gonna let this experience make me stronger,  How about you?

The Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon

This weekend was the most amazing weekend of my life! It all started about 2 months ago with an invitation to run a half marathon in San Antonio with Dave Ramsey and his team.  When I got the email something in me stirred.  Even though I just began running I had this pull... and when I saw the date was 12 days before the one year anniversary of my husband's death, the pull became stronger.  I thought, I've just walked through one of life's hardest experiences and how awesome would it be to do something so amazing within the first year?  Yes I need to do this! I need to run a half marathon before the one year mark.  While many people do things like this in some one's memory, for me it was quite different.  I had to do this for me.  I had to show myself that I can make it through difficult situations. (For more on why I ran the half marathon see the post "I have to do this" from October.)

So I started training, 8 weeks ahead of time.  At the 4 week mark I realized it would be a poor financial decision to fly to Texas to run the half marathon.  I resolved that I couldn't go.  The disappointment was overwhelming, but I pressed through, deciding to keep training anyway.  I specifically remember where I was on the trail on my 6 mile run when I decided I have to do this.  And I started praying for God to make a way.  The following week I found a closer race that fit my "deadline", the Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon.  It was a lengthy drive, but close enough to make it fit the budget.  So I cut another week off the training plan, and committed.

About 2 weeks before the race I started asking some girl friends to come along.  Each one I asked wasn't able to.  It was then I had this gut feeling the that I was supposed to do it alone.  I continued to ask friend after friend, and each time they couldn't go, I knew in my heart that's how it was supposed to be. For some reason God was telling me, through the "No's" and in my heart, "go it alone girl!"  So that's exactly what I did.  Now let me preface this by saying I was married for almost 9 years.  My husband was an organizer, a planner, and took really good care of me.  I always felt safe when he was there.  When we went somewhere, he drove.  He made hotel reservations, printed maps, etc.  So for almost a decade I'd followed his lead.  So driving 6 hours to a new city, staying overnight in a hotel, running a half marathon and driving home the same day, was a pretty new experience for me!

Friday I arrived in Indianapolis and I walked from the hotel, several blocks, to the expo for check in.  I had no idea where I was, and little idea where I was going.  I was all alone, a young woman, on the streets of this strange downtown city.  Not at all a scene I've lived out before.  On my way back, as I looked up at the high rise buildings, my head held high, heels clicking on the side walk, I smiled with such a confidence and satisfaction.  At that moment I thought, look at me... I'm alone, I'm comfortable, I'm content, and I'm "making it happen" (as Jonathan would have said).  A new level of independent confidence hit me.  I was having a great time, and I was all alone.  For a social person this sounds like an oxymoron.  But it was true.  The whole day I had accomplished some pretty significant tasks, and the race hadn't even started yet.

Fast forward to the next morning- 36 degrees, or so, at the start line, I'm standing there ready to go.  An excitement fills my heart that I can't explain.  I've worked hard, I've committed, I've trained.  And now I'm ready.  Let's get this party started!

My first goal was to finish under 3 hours, that's 13.1 miles running at a pace of 13:44.  I knew I could comfortably run faster than that pace, but hadn't run past 9 miles... ever! So I decided to run at 13:30 for my pace, because I knew I could do it very comfortably.  Then if I had extra energy I would speed up at the end.  My second goal was to finish... and finish without walking.  One thing I learned during my training was if I paced myself right, and could breathe comfortably I really can go the distance.  I think endurance is my strength.  I'm not the fastest runner out there, but the tortoise wins the race, right?

It took 6 minutes after the gun went off for me to reach the start line.  Apparently 10,000+ people were running the race, so it took some time.  I set my pace, breathing comfortable, and started off.  It was a little cold, but made for perfect running weather.  In the first 1/3 of the race, I continued at a steady pace, as person after person made their way past me. I wasn't worried because I knew I had to maintain for 13.1 miles.

I stayed steady, talked to a few random people along the way, and had a smile on my face when I thought about what I was doing.  I made sure to take it all in.  Turning my music down for all the water stations, or entertainment, reading every sign, and thanking officers stopping traffic.  I read many great t-shirt backs along the way, and enjoyed the cheering crowds, along the way.  I had enough energy to talk, smile, and shout along the way.  I gave high fives to teens at the water stations, while Eye of the Tiger, or Rocky's theme song played in the back ground.

Towards the end of the race, I was still comfortable and steady with my pace.  At this point I began passing people, those who had slowed down or were walking.  When the last mile hit my legs were tired.  I could feel a dull pain starting in my thighs.  One more mile... I can make it.  No walking, just keep going. Then I got a text from my BFF, perfect timing.  Between that and the cheering crowds I was able to push through, and I crossed the finish line at 2:48:55.

The moment my foot crossed, and I started to walk, a flood of emotion hit me.  I can't put into words what I felt, it definitely wasn't sadness.  It was as if all I had been through the past few years, had just been washed over by what I had done in the last 3 hours.  Like the tide coming in, pushing over the sand castles of yesterday, and leaving a fresh beach ready for a new day.  And I started to cry.  Not a single tear, no this was a face contorted, serious cry.  I wasn't expecting this response.  It was the joy of knowing I had done it! I had taken what was horrible and let it fuel me to do something amazing.  I DID IT!!!  The only problem with this emotional outburst was I couldn't breathe.  I had been breathing just fine the whole race, but the moment I started to cry, my breath was taken away.  I managed to stop crying, and regained my breath.  Once again taking it all in.

There I stood in the middle of thousands of people, medal around my neck, a half-marathoner! It was the most amazing moment of my life.  I felt so accomplished, so proud of myself for completing this race!  I had never felt that way about myself or any accomplishment, ever!  And even though I was there alone, I didn't at all feel like I missed out.  I believe I was supposed to be alone.  God needed to show me something about myself that I have been struggling with for almost a year now: All I need is God!

I've said it a million times, I got a tattoo to symbolize it, and I wear rings to remind me.  But it wasn't until I traveled to Indianapolis and ran the Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon that I truly understood and believed it.  Jesus is all I need!  I don't need a man to believe in me for me to accomplish great things.  I don't need his support, or encouragement to push through when it gets hard.  Every part of this half marathon journey has been on my own: just me and God.  From the training, to the trip, to the race; He's been the only one there with me.  And I did it!  He really is all I need.  With God I can do anything!  I can do great things by myself.  And even more than that I can enjoy them.

This weekend I had the most amazing time of my life, and no one was there to celebrate it with me.  And that's okay.  Its actually more than okay- it was perfect.  I did this race for me.  And I know that it changed my life.  It gave me a level of contentment I don't think I have ever had. It proved to me that I am a survivor- more than a conqueror!  I'm really am alright, just me and God!

Today is Monumental

[This was supposed to post on Saturday, but since I was running, I didn't notice it didn't auto post.  Sorry its a day late.]  Keeping it short today because as you are reading this I am out on the streets of Indianapolis running the Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon!!!! It's amazing to think that I have worked hard and disciplined myself to get to this point... running 13.1 miles. I never thought I could do it. I never imagined I would want to. But I am, and I'm thrilled to be doing this.

This weekend is a huge step for me. Running a half marathon is monumental! Not only am I accomplishing a very uncommon, and difficult yet extremely rewarding task, but I have traveled here alone to do it. That fact surprises me almost as much as my love for running. It shows that I have become comfortable, and confident on my own. It takes a while to adjust from the safety of having a husband there to protect you, and keep you safe. Its almost subconscious, but just knowing he's there gives you a sense of security. Then when he's gone you feel it. Its taken some time to get used. I've been building my own security. I'm adjusting to life on my own and enjoying it too!

Here I am almost a year later discovering my love for running and enjoying a weekend alone at a destination race. I'm definitely redefining myself. Yes, I'm on the path of healing.

I have to do this!

In two weeks I will run my first half marathon!  I know, I'm half crazy...  before July I had never run! Well, that is if you don't count the one season of track in the 9th grade, which I hated. But now I am a runner. I started running last July and I love it! I love beating down the path, with nothing but me, the wind, the view, my iPod and God. So when I was invited to run a half marathon in November, out of state with some famous business associates, I was really tempted.  Then I thought about it... November... the month my husband died.  Wow! What an amazing accomplishment it would be for me, after such a difficult and tragic time in my life.  I have to do this!

Why am I running a half marathon?  Because I can control it.  Its about me.  I push my body. I set my goals. I achieve them. The last few years of my life were totally dependent on someone else.  My husband's weaknesses and strengths set the tone and pace of our life.  I never knew what would happen, or when the bottom would fall out.  I could do everything to prepare, but in reality I wasn't in control.  I was left responding to situations, and cleaning up messes.  Running isn't reliant on anyone else.  And training for and completing a half marathon depends on one person: me.  I can depend on my self! I determine what I want to do, and work hard to make it happen.

Why am I running a half marathon? Because not everyone does it!  13.1 miles of running is not easy. Only .17% of the United States population ran a half marathon last year.  It is difficult. It is hard. And you have to be strong to do it!  Looking back at the last few years of my life, it was difficult, it was hard. And I when I crossed the finish line I didn't get a medal, or a t-shirt. I had hurt, pain, and disappointment. Like running a half marathon, not many have lived through all the things I have.  So running this half marathon is symbolic of what I have gone through, but its the positive counterpart.  It will be difficult.  It will be hard.  It will be my choice, and it's making me stronger!

Why am I running a half marathon?  Because its something positive for me to focus on as I approach the one year anniversary of my late husband's death.  Its amazing how our bodies and memories automatically remember.  This time of year, October and November, were very difficult last year.  They were hurtful, they were painful.  I witnessed the man I loved self-destructing.  And without a  focus, I would be reliving every day, every thought, every event. Instead of focusing on the negative, I'm running.  I'm running about 20 miles a week.  I'm meeting new benchmarks, and feeling  accomplished.  By training, I'm keeping myself emotionally and physically well.  I'm going into this challenging season focused on something positive, that makes me feel good, instead of hurt; healthy instead of heart sick; confident instead of insecure; and a victor instead of a victim.

Why am I running a half marathon?  Because as I say, "I buried a husband, I can do this!" Its a challenge.  Its a sign of my strength.  Its a sign of my survival.  Its a sign of my independence.  Its a sign that I'm okay; I can't be kept down.  I'm a young woman who can put her mind to something and accomplish it!

Why am I running a half marathon?  Because life has dumped on me.  Life has thrown at me the worst that it has to offer.  And now by running 13.1 miles I tell life "take that! You've tried to take me out, but I came back stronger! I'm not moved by what bring my way! I make my own destiny!"