Love

Several months ago God revealed a very deep and sad aspect of my life I hadn't noticed before: I have never experienced real love.  It was a selah, stop and think about that, moment.  I was 34 and up to that point I had not had a person love me the way God intended.  That's not to say people didn't feel love for me, they have.  My parents love me. My late husband loved me.  But they didn't know how to love me, to show it in a healthy and functional way.  Because I had never experienced a complete and healthy love, real love, I continued to allow people to enter my life who loved me incompletely.  The result was pain.

What followed this realization was a season of God showing me what real love is, so I would know it when it comes.  God loves me so much, He doesn't want me to repeat the past.  He doesn't want me to live a life of unhealthy love.  He wants me to experience real love.  I know how to love, but I have never been loved.  Love and intimacy should be 100% reciprocated. So God began to teach me about love.  He took me on a journey through Song of Solomon and the book of Ruth to show me what real love is.  He showed me not how to love, but how to be loved, what receiving real love from another person looks like.


Love is not only about what I do for them, and how I love them. Its about loving me because of who I am!  If I didn't do one more thing for them would they still love me and treat me the same?

Love desires to hear my voice and see my face.

Love can't stand to be apart from each other and will take extreme measures to be together.

Love isn't moved by your flaws.

Love is aroused, captured and drawn in, it is not flaunted or teased.

Love gives their heart freely.

Love is a close friendship, and value is placed in that friendship.

Love "sees" you and your value.

Love sees you as beautiful and tells you and others.

Love makes you their world.

Love protects you.

Love provides for you.

Love comforts you.


This is how God loves.  God's love is complete, its perfect.  God's love is the example for all to follow.  And once you experience real love, you will never settle for anything less.

Deeper

I used to think I had God all figured out.  I used to think I knew so much about Him. I used to think I understood His ways. I used to think.  But the farther I walk with God the more I realize how little I know.  To quote a pastor at my church "all I have learned is how dumb I am."  God is immeasurable.  He is incomprehendable.  He has a depth, height and breadth which cannot be grasped.

The moment we begin to think we have it all figured out, or that we know it all, we need to stop!  We need to stop thinking and start walking with God. As we walk with Him, we experience Him in new ways.  We allow God to show us things we never understood.  We begin to live things we once thought were impossible.  God is so much greater and deeper than our simple minds.  The longer I walk with Him, I realize how much more there is to Him than I realized.

I once thought I had an understanding of His love.  I'm not negating my experience, knowledge or personal understanding I have gained through the year.  But I am continually learning more and more about Him and His love.  I realize even the great depth of understanding I once had, is just a drop compared to the ocean of depth there is to Him.

Think of your marriage.  When you first met your spouse you had a limited knowledge of them.  You only scratched the surface in who they are, their personality and what choices they make.  Then you became engaged.  You dove just a little deeper.  You are no longer walking on the beach, with the water brushing against your feet.  You are now wading in the water, knee deep.  You understand them more.  You see how their past has shaped who they are.  You not only understand their personality but can predict what they need from you because of that personality make up.  You move beyond predicting the decisions they will make to understanding why they make those decisions.

Then you get married, and during your first year together you develop an intimacy.  You finish each other's thoughts and sentences.  You ofter wonder how you ever got along without them.  Now you are waist deep in the ocean.  You know them better than anyone.  But as time continues, you are now swimming in the ocean.  You wonder where they start and you end.  You develop a deeper understanding of how they work and what their needs are.  You often feel like you know them better than they know themselves.  Even now that my late husband is gone, I continue to gain a deeper understanding of him.  I thought when we got married I "knew" him.  Five years into the marriage I thought I had him figured out.  But the longer time passes the more I realize how my understanding of him as a person has grown.

That's how it is with God.  The more we walk with Him, the more time we spend, the more there is to know.  Unlike a spouse, God is not limited.  Just as there seems to be no end to the ocean, its length and depth, as you stand on the shore, there is no end to God. There are so many facets to Him which He desires to reveal to us.  Just because we understand an aspect of Him doesn't mean we understand all that there is.  Just because we know what a verse means, doesn't mean there isn't more to that verse to be revealed. Allow yourself to get lost in God.  Stop thinking, and start walking.

My Path

I am a member of the widow club.  I joined the club almost 17 months ago.  Many of you are members too.  Its not a prestigious group by any means.  Its not a status symbol, like a country club.  And my prayer for you is that if you aren't a member, that you never will be.  Being a widow is hard.  We face things unimaginable.  We carry with us baggage that most don't ever deal with.  The paths which brought us here are wide and varied.  And the paths we take after that unforgettable moment when time stopped, are just as different.

I have met many widows since joining.  A variety of women with a variety of stories.  Widows who lost their husbands unexpectedly, in their 40s, from a heart condition they didn't know he had.  Widows who lost their husband after 25 years of marriage from a sickness.  I've met widows who have been single now for many years, and widows who met and fell in love again in just a few years.  There is not a cookie cutter path which got us here, and there is not a cookie cutter path to lead us out.

I appreciate the sisterhood of women who stand by me, and whom God has brought along my path.  But as I talk with them I continually remind myself that my path is unique.  That's not to say its better, or worse, its just different because its mine.  Before time God knew this would happen to me.  Before time He put a plan in place.  Before time He wrote my happy ending.  And He wrote yours too.

While running a race this past weekend I met a widow, in her 50s, who had been widowed for 9 years.  What she said impacted me greatly.  "I have dark days.  I still hit bottom."  Bottom...Nine years later? I was in awe.  I know a part of me will always love Jonathan.  He will always be a part of my life, as he was a part of my past.  He made me who I am today, through the good and bad times, he helped shape me.  But I don't have dark days anymore.  I don't hit bottom anymore.  Why? Why don't I struggle 17 months later the way this woman continues to struggle? Is it because of our relationship and its problems? Is it because of the freedom I found from his addictions?  Why don't I struggle?  The answer is obvious.  Its simple. Its one word, one name, above every name... Jesus!

I don't hit bottom because of Jesus.  His name is above grief.  His name is above despair.  Jesus is on my widowhood path, and He holds my hand with each step I take.  If you are walking your widow's path alone, stop.  Take Jesus' hand.  Let Him walk it with you. Let Him heal your heart.  Let Him turn your mourning into dancing.  You may have experienced a tragedy, but it need not define you.  God has a plan for you!  He's not done with you.  There is a hope, there is a new life, there is a glorious future, and its in Jesus!

What Really Matters

God is bringing me to a place of simplicity.  After living through the tragedy of burying a husband, you would think I would have already figured out what really matters in life.  I believe that experience did impact my life.  It changed me.  I realized I needed to spend my time better. I made major life decisions, such as leaving teaching to raise my son.  But along the way I began to hold onto "things", because they were all I had.  My marriage, my life had fallen apart.  My needs were neglected and left unmet, so I clung to those things that were there, our material possessions.  I didn't have a happy marriage, a peaceful life, but I had my house, and my beautiful belongings to fill it.

Over the last few months God has been stripping me.  He has been stripping me of pride, and making me humble.  He has been stripping me of my status, which I derived from the quality of my house, and making me find my status in him.  He has stripped away my debt, and made me financially stable.  He has stripped me.

This past week God has challenged me even further.  He has taken me out of my comfort zone and showed me what really matters.  Sometimes being displaced causes you to really question what you want, what you really need and where you want to be.  I have had many preconceived ideas about what I need to be happy.  Don't all young women dream about having a beautiful wedding, while giving no thought to the marriage?  We select our dream house on our commute to work, but have no concept of the effect of that mortgage on a family's finances.  In this season I've discovered what I think I need, and what God knows I need are two very different things.

What really matters?  What really matters for me? Its not the house, or the location.  Its the people that fill it.  I was empty and neglected.  I was betrayed and manipulated.  I was left broken, shattered, and hungry for love.  What really matters to me? Its not about provision, paying the bills, or fitting into my nice little life.  What really matters is someone who truly loves me and is able to show it.  What really matters is someone who will receive the love I have to give.  What really matters is someone who I can enjoy life with.  What really matters is a relationship where we see each other for the gift we are, and encourage each other.  

What really matters for my son?  My son had a great dad.  He would come home and play with him for hours.  He was firm when needed and loving at the same time.  What really matters to my son?  Its not the gifts someone brings.  Its not being in a certain community over others.  What really matters to my son is a man who can love him as his own.  A man who can be firm when he needs it, but also through him on his shoulders just for fun.  What really matters is a family he can be a part of, siblings he can play with.  What really matters is a man who can model how to be a man of God, and help me raise him to love Jesus above all else.

So often we are encouraged to decided what WE want, put a vision in our minds of the life WE desire.  We carefully list, plan and determine our perfect life!  And those things aren't necessarily bad.  But remember that God knows us better than we know ourselves.  He has a plan and a purpose.  He knows those small details that can take our life from average to awesome!  Be willing to put your vision aside, set down your preconceived ideas, and give room to God to rebuild your life.  He knows what really matters for you and your family and He has every intention of giving that amazing life to you!

Forget

I was running not long ago, along a very hilly path.  Its amazing the analogies and life lessons that God shows to me while I am running.  I ran 8 miles this particular run, and it was a very hilly path I selected.  Hills are hard when you run, even if you slow down your pace, the amount of energy you use to climb the hill greatly increases.  Once you hit the peak, and start the slow decline, you body starts to move faster and works less.  Coasting down helps alleviate the strain you felt climbing the hill.  And that is when this miracle happens.  God has given us this amazing ability to forget.  When I run I forget the intensity of the hills, as I coast down the other side. I begin to recover.  And as I recover I rebuild strength to take on the next hill.  God helps us to forget.  We forget the intensity, the risk and the pain.

We had a heat wave hit Michigan in mid-March, and since I am training for a half marathon I took advantage of the gorgeous weather for a long run.  My task: 9 miles.  The weather: 80 and sunny.  I was completely ignorant as I left my house for my 9 mile run in the sun.  After 2 miles I was getting tired and took a walk break.  The walk breaks increased and by 4.5 miles I knew I couldn't complete this run.  I was in trouble.  It was HOT! I was sweaty, exhausted and almost out of water.  I was walking more than I was running.  My body just wasn't ready for this hot weather, and it wasn't able to exert the normal energy level it had under colder circumstances.  By 6.5 miles I felt I had nothing left to give and better stop.  I was concerned I may pass out if I continued to push myself. I refer to this run as the "death run".  It really was that bad.

But God helps us forget.  A few days later, with colder weather, and less sun, I set out again for a 9 mile run.  I had forgotten the pain. I had forgotten the impossibility I felt that day.  I forgot, and here I was willing to try it again.

I can't explain my experience of relationships, marriage and widowhood any better than this example.  My relationship with my husband was far from healthy.  Our marriage was less than perfect, and in the end horribly difficult and impossible.  I was hurt, taken advantage of, betrayed, and left crushed, broken and hopeless.  When he died I was left unresolved and confused.   It has been painful, and frustrating.   But as time passes, the impact of the pain I experienced lessens.  My memory of it fades.  Its almost as if it was a movie I watched, and not a life that I lived.  The emotions of it become more and more distant, and all that remains is the facts, the story which I tell.

I thank God that he helps us forget.  Who wants to carry the pain day after day, month after month, in the same intensity as which you first experienced it? What would life look like if we remembered every detail? I wouldn't take the risk to live life again.  I would live in fear.  I would never trust another man with my heart and my life, for fear he may destroy it.  But God helps us forget.  As we continue running down the path of life.  We face each new hill with a fresh perspective, a renewed energy.  We find joy in coasting down the other side. We don't let the "death runs" of life stop us from lacing up our shoes and setting out on new adventures.  We learn to enjoy life and live again!  All because God helps us forget.

Cleansing

When my late husband died, I felt this hurry and rush to get rid of his stuff.  Someone I respected greatly in my life had shared her story how God had led her family to remove all of her deceased husband's belongings from her home the day he died.  It helped her healing process immensely.  Knowing this, I thought if I want to get through this and heal I need to do the same.  So I went through his belongings and gave things away, all within the first week.  Months later I was longing for his Bible, and wishing I kept his shirts to make a blanket for my son.  It wasn't the right time for cleansing.  And I learned it the hard way.  

Now 14 months later I am downsizing.  In preparation for selling my home, and reducing my living space by almost 2/3, I am needing to clean through.  While I removed almost all of my late husband's belongings immediately, there are so many things I still have which were ours, or my personal belongings which are a symbol and memory of the life we had together.  Some of them are little things like pictures, our original towels we registered for and cards he sent.  And there are other things like the first couch we picked out, our baby grand piano which I taught my step daughter how to play, or his desk.  

As I prepare for the move, I'm throwing out, donating and selling a lot of things. I recognized that it feels really good.  I had been dreading dealing with all these things, and ultimately starting over where my possessions are concerned.  But its been healthy, and I have felt a lot of healing.  See there is a time to cleanse your past, to wash away what was, and let God begin a new work.  When God prompts you to take that step, and clean out, it will be refreshing.  It may still be hard, there may still be tears, but in the end you will feel lighter, and refreshed.  It took me 14 months to hit the place where the cleansing came and brought refreshing!  I feel lighter, excited, and ready to close that chapter of my life, in a way I wasn't aware of before.

Another important lesson I learned was that what God directs one person to do is not a formula or "the" standard.  I need to hear from God for myself, and let Him work His healing through me in the way He knows is best.  Each one of us widows is different.  We may have a common bond, and understand the hurt and pain, confusion and despair.  But our lives, our marriage, our loss of our spouse is a unique experience.  We need God to lead us through the grieving process.  There is no formula for healing.  There is no typical way that grief appears in our lives, or our children's.  Each one of us have a different story, a different experience and a different path to healing.  My prayer for you is that you would hear God's voice behind you leading you down your path.  And as you listen that you would experience His promise to you:  

To comfort all who mourn,

To console those who mourn in Zion,

³ 

To give them beauty for ashes,

The oil of joy for mourning,

The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness

Isaiah 61:2-3

Sacrifice is Never Easy

Sacrifice is never easy.  When God asks something big of you, it may hurt, and it may be hard to do.  I don't believe that He always asks hard things of us, but there are times when obeying God is a sacrifice.  God is a jealous God, and when we place things above Him, it will hurt to give them up, or to realign our life the way it should be.

Lately I've been working through the emotion of the next steps of my healing journey, and all that it means.  God has revealed to me that I have placed my house as an idol above Him.  And before I can truly move on in my healing as a widow, I need to deal with the idol.  It is very hard for me to downsize all that I have.  My possessions have become my personal "arrival" in life, or a sign of all I have accomplished.  I know God is calling me on to something greater, and when I get there it is going to be wonderful.  But today, as I prepare to start cleaning stuff up, giving stuff away, and downsizing, its hard.  And it hurts!  Sacrifice is never easy.

Think of Abraham.  God told him to sacrifice his only son: the miracle child God gave him.   This was to be a literal sacrifice.  Lay your son on the altar, slay him, and set the altar on fire! I can't help but wonder, why did God ask that of Him?  Was Abraham a bit like me? Did He unknowingly put his beloved son Issac above God? Was Issac the symbol of Abraham's life accomplishment? Did God need to be put back in His proper place in Abrahams life? Regardless of why, God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son.  I can't even imagine how hard obeying that command must have been. But Abraham set out to do it.  After seeing Abrahams willingness, God stopped him at the very last minute.  God saw Abraham was willing to have nothing come between him and God, and provided a ram for the sacrifice instead.  Even so, that day must have been one of the hardest in Abraham's life.  Sacrifice is hard.

Look at Jesus.  He had a glorious and wonderful life in Heaven.  Yet he sacrificed it all, leaving behind everything.  He was God, and He laid it all down to come to earth as a man.  There was nothing easy about that.  Now fast forward 33 years to the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus knew He was going to be arrested, beaten beyond recognition, whipped within a breathe of His life, then mocked and hung naked on a cross until death.  He cried as He sought God for strength to face it.  He cried so hard he bled.  Jesus was sacrificing it all so that we could enjoy eternity with Him in Heaven. Sacrifice is hard.

Finally I think of the rich young ruler who asked Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life.  Jesus told him to sell all of his things. Why? Because those things owned him.  They were idols in His life.  His things had replaced God as his source, and he found his identity and measure of success in them.  God knew.  He is a jealous God.  He says, "have nothing before me!"  I believe Jesus asked Him to sell his belongs for this reason: they were above God.  Unwilling, the rich young ruler walked away sad, because he had many possessions (Mark 10:17-22). Sacrifice is hard.

I feel very much like this rich young ruler. I unknowingly have placed some things above God.  If they weren't above Him, it wouldn't be so hard.  But unlike the ruler, I recognize that God doesn't take away from us.  He only adds.  Its like planting a seed in the ground.  By giving up what I have, God is adding peace to my life.  By down sizing, God is adding stability to my situation.  By ridding myself of idols, God is adding the promise of His blessing in my life.  By closing the door on this chapter of my life, God is adding a new future, new memories, the opportunity for a new family and building a new life together with them. It is not going to be easy.  But I know one day soon I will be writing you from the other side.  I will be saying how free I feel, and how I wish I had done it sooner.

Sacrifice is hard... but it is always worth it!

Trust Again

I'm finding myself in the situation where I am needing to trust someone I have just met.  And today it has been so strong in my heart: I can still trust!  And I am shocked.  After all the deceit, the lies, and the issues, you would think I would have a hard heart.  It would be completely normal for me to put up a wall, be extremely guarded and even be suspicious.  But I'm not.  And that is nothing short of a miracle!

I still believe in the goodness of people.  I still believe that people are honest, and take what they say at face value.  I still am able to open myself up to another person, and let them see my heart.  Why? Why have I not been scarred from a life of being taken advantage of, manipulated and deceived? Its because of my relationship with God!

God is trustworthy.  He has always been faithful to me, even in the messes, God has been there.  God believes the best of me even when I make mistakes.  God is love.  God never closes himself off even when so many have rejected Him.  He continually puts Himself out there.  And He always gives unselfishly.  I can trust God.

Because God's spirit lives in me, I have the same ability and potential to trust as He does.  It doesn't mean I walk into situations naive.  But rather, I listen to God's Spirit within me, and act wisely.  Its just common sense to be cautious.  But cautious and guarded are to very different things.  I am so grateful not only to have this opportunity to trust others, but that I can confidently say I still trust people!

Beautiful

There is a song that carried me through some of the hardest times I have faced.  It reminded me who I am, what I am worth, and that even though life is hard now, it is not what God has destined me for.  I would like to share it with you, before you read today's blog.

Click Here to Listen to Beautiful by Mercy ME

Its amazing how a song can move you, touch you, bring you strength or healing.  This song did all of that for me.  I was hurting, I was broken.  I believed the lies that all my dreams would never come true, and I had resigned myself to a life full of sorrow and heart break.  But God had something so much greater for me.  And He needed me to believe it and see it, even if only in my mind, before it could ever happen.  

One morning I remember getting in the car and saying, God I can't do this anymore.  I am so confused.  I need to hear from you a confirmation that the steps I am taking are the ones you want me to take.  I started my car and this song played.  It wasn't one I had heard many times before, maybe just once.  And to be honest in the season I needed it, it was seldom on the radio.  But each time I heard, it was at the exact moment I was questioning or doubting.  In the times when I was wondering if my life was ever gonna turn around, there God was singing to me through the radio saying:

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You are made for so much more than all of this.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You are sacred, you are treasured, you are His.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

I  needed a reminder that even though life was challenging, hard and painful, that God had a plan.  He saw me as precious, even when my husband didn't.  He knew my worth, when I was so beat up by life, that I couldn't see it.  

I don't know you, or your situation. Maybe like me you are a widow.  Maybe you are facing a divorce like I was.  Maybe you sit in bed crying at night just wanting your husband to love you, want you, or even talk to you.  Perhaps your the woman who carries the family secret of your husbands addictions, affairs, or suicidal threats.  I may not know you, but I know our God! And I know that you are made for SO MUCH MORE than all of that.  I know that He loves you more than anything.  I know that, like He did for me, He will give you strength.  He will help you to rediscover your worth.  He will show you that your situation does not define you!  He will help you to truly believe with all your heart that you are beautiful!

Shaken

Like me, I am sure you can pinpoint the exact moment your world came crashing down.  For me it happened long before that unforgettable call from the hospital.  Its been almost 3 years now, and I have as many questions today as I did then.  Why did this happen? Did I miss God? Would I do it different if I could? Why me? What if, what if, what if?  The reality is my world was shaken. 


Through it all: all my questions, my doubts, my heart break, I've known that God is faithful.  And I've understood that the more I lean on Him, the better off I will be.  Proverbs 18:10, says "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and are safe."  I need that tower.  I need that protection.  I need that stability.  I need to know that even though almost every part of my life has changed in the blink of an eye, God doesn't.  He won't.


When we put our complete and total trust in Him, we can walk through hard times, desperate times, broken times, knowing that He is our shelter.  


“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”  Matthew 7:24-27

I love this parable, because of what it says to me! See, the storm came to both people.  Just because we are facing a hard situation doesn't mean we made a mistake, we missed God, or we are in sin.  Sometimes its just life.  The storm hit both the people who did God's word, and those who didn't.  As Christians we need to stop placing blame, or searching for why this happened.  Storms come, welcome to a fallen world! But thank God we can survive.  Our house, or life, can fall apart without taking us down with it.  The secret is to put our foundation, our trust, our hope in Jesus.  And to do His Word.  When He says praise Him at all times, we are building a house on the rock. When He says trust Him with all our hearts, we are building a house on the rock.


God's not moved by the storm that destroyed our house.  The rock wasn't effected.  It couldn't be swept away, and anything clinging to that rock, or finding refuge inside was protected. God knew this storm would come.  He's not surprised. He's not shaken, nor can He be.  So find refuge in Him.  Seek shelter from the rain, wind and waves, inside His wings.  

When I am in the valley of the shadow of death

You're not shaken, you're not shaken

You're right here beside me, and you have never left

You're not shaken, you're not shaken

When every little thing, that I had dreamed would be

just slips away like water through my hands

And when it seems the walls of my beliefs 

come crashing down like they're all made of sand

I won't let go of you now because I know

You're not shaken.

Your Not Shaken, Phil Stacey

Listen to the song: Your Not Shaken

Are You Ready?

I'm one of those people who feels like I have to earn everything.  When it comes to God's blessings I always feel like I have to work for them.  For example, years ago before I started dating my late husband, I remember needing to scrub the kitchen floor and I really didn't want to. But I had this conversation with myself: "How can God send your husband if you won't take care of this floor?"

It seemed to make sense.  How could I expect God to bless me with a husband, if I couldn't even keep my floor clean?  But that isn't how God works.  God doesn't expect us to reach a certain level, or obtain a certain status so that He can bless us.  God doesn't say to us, "Clean up your life so you are worthy of my son.  Then He will save you."  NO! He is exactly the opposite. He sees us as sinners, who don't even recognize His goodness, or even see the reality of Jesus as our Savior.  And in that state, our worst state ever, He sent Jesus to save us.  And all we need to do is believe that Jesus is His Son, and we are saved.  No works involved.  Nothing to earn, nothing to prove.

I'm reminding myself of all of this, because once again I'm struggling with my own need for perfection.  On Christmas Eve, my late husbands step-dad (of 22 years), turned to me and said in seriousness and compassion, "You need to find yourself someone.  That's how your gonna move on. Start a new life."  Tears rolled down my face as he spoke.  I felt such a freedom, and a sincere love from him.  And the truth is I think about finding someone often.  I have started to put myself out there, as much as a single stay at home mom can.  And this is what brings me to my internal struggle of earning God's gifts.

If you've been following me for any amount of time you know what a roller coaster I've been on.  The ups and downs of grief, and the loop the loops of single parenting have me screaming, holding on for dear life, and even ready to barf at times.  How can I even consider bringing a man in on all of that?  I had this thought so often, and heard it from so many, "You can't move on until your healed."

The more and more I think about being healed, and waiting to move on until my healing is complete the less sense it makes.  Is there a certain event that passes, and its your marker stating the grief has ended.  Is there a long enough amount of time that can heal the unexpected loss of your 38 year old husband.  More and more I have come to realize that healing is a process.  And a hurt as deep as becoming a widow, is not one that heals easy as paper cut.  In fact, I'm not sure I will ever be completely healed from what I have been through.  And if God requires me to be completely healed and 100% emotionally repaired, I don't think I will ever have a new relationship.

I believe its not about being healed, but rather being ready.  Its okay to move on and still be walking through grief.  In reality I am sure grief will visit us for the rest of our lives.  On my step daughter's graduation day.  When my son plays his first baseball game.  When our children get married.  And of course the first time I see our grandkids.  Grief will be there.  The question then becomes are you ready to move on? Am I ready?

I personally am not entirely sure if I am ready.  And its something that only I can know.  In the last year I had influential friends and even pastors telling me to move on quickly, and I got in a relationship way too early.  I wasn't ready, I hadn't even grieved.  But I listened to what other's told me.  And it was a mistake. I can see that now.  From that I learned to listen to my heart, and listen to God, not to others.

Sometimes you don't know if your ready to walk until you stand up and try.  And if I take a step and crash to the ground, I'll know to sit back on the couch and rest up a bit more.  But if I take that small step, and I don't fall, then I'll know I'm ready.  The glorious future God has promised me and my son is just up the path.  I don't have to be healed to get on that path, or to even walk down it.  I don't have to have every part of my life functioning in perfect order.  I just have to be ready. Ready to follow God when He says "take my hand Jenn, come and see what I have waiting for you!"

Hot Mess

Hot Mess: When ones thoughts or appearance are in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness or beauty. (Urban Dictionary)


Some weeks I feel like I have my act together.  I'm emotionally strong, I'm healing, I'm living life. I can handle the regular twists and turns that life brings.  I'm not moved by little annoyances, or seemingly big obstacles.  My son and I are flowing together smoothly.  I enjoy spending time with him, and I have a strength and patience in my parenting.  Life is good. 


Other weeks I'm a hot mess! I look great on the outside, but inside I'm a disaster.  There is caution tape strewn everywhere: from my parenting to my emotions.  A pot hole feels like the grand canyon. I lack motivation.  Emotionally I am a wreck.  The grief wins out.  I've been strong too long, and I seem to fall apart. I can't handle even the smallest of confrontations with my son.  Oh, and I cry at the drop of the hat.  Life sucks.

My life for the past year has been a constant interchange of these two states: Ms. Act Together and Hot Mess.  Its confusing.  Its frustrating.  I feel like just when I think I'm on the mend, and can handle adding responsibilities back to my life... Hot Mess shows up.  It causes me to be hesitant.  I'm hesitant to commit myself to anything.  I may feel like I can handle it today, but who knows when Hot Mess will show up and how long she will stay.  I may not be able to keep this commitment two months from now.  So I'm afraid to even take it on.   I think, what am I doing?  Am I just not ready to take this on?


Ms. Act Together, and Hot Mess keep me guessing.  I never know who is gonna show up or when.  I feel like I have these two identities, neither of which are the real me.  It causes me to question if I'm really okay, even when I know I am.  It makes me long for the days when my life, my emotions, even the person who I am, was consistent! I told my pastor today, "I wish you knew me before this."  He lovingly and gently reminded me that God creates beautiful things out of brokenness.  Brokenness is a great place, because God Himself is recreating me.

Yes I am being recreated! No one enjoys living in a house while its being remodeled,  But when it is done, it was worth every inconvenience, every discomfort.  The house is better than it was before.  All the beauty that was originally there is added to; its enhanced.  I may be a mess right now, but I still look good to God!  He sees me finished.  And some day, you will see it too!

The Roller Coaster of Grief

As I walked out of church the other night, the words "I love my life" slipped out.  I was shocked, because less than one week ago I was sobbing in my room, tears streaming, "God, I hate my life."  How do you explain that?  Can it even been explained?  All I can say is: it's normal.

There are times in life when we are going to be hurting, sad, frustrated, depressed, and overwhelmed.  Almost like a situational depression comes upon you.  It lasts for moments, or a just a few days, and as quickly as it came, it leaves. 

Last week I had about 3 days of depression. We had just come home from our wonderful caribbean cruise.  I was exhausted.  My 3 year old was exhausted.  And we were both out of routine. What followed was several very difficult days.  Getting myself back in routine is one thing, but getting my son back is a whole different ball game.  After spending one full week sleeping in the same room with me, bedtime at home was now destroyed.  He wanted to sleep with me of course. And so begins the bedtime struggle.  We've had it over and over since his daddy died.

Thankfully, God continued to speak to me and encourage me, and the "down in the dumps" only lasted a few days.  I reached out to a few friends, and it helped!  Now this week, although I'm still fighting exhaustion, as we continue to work out the bed time issue, I am enjoying life again. I love my life!

As widows, we need to recognize that we are going to have these peaks and valleys.  Its normal!  We need to recognize that  there are wonderful things in our lives that can cause us to enjoy life despite our hurt and pain.  At the same time, we are constantly facing challenges, situations, and working through our grief.  We need to let ourself go through the cycles, and reach out for support from friends.  That said, we don't need to "feed" the down cycles either.  I personally feel that while the cycles are normal, we should be working through the days of depression, and not helping ourselves to get deeper into them.

When I feel the days of depression, I allow myself to cry.  I cry out to God.  I cry out to Jonathan.  I will also reach out to a friend, letting them know I am having a hard time.  I don't call for a pity party, I call for help.  I call for prayer.  I call for a listening ear.  I call because I need to talk my way through what I'm feeling.  Then I get out of the house.  I go for a run.  I go shopping.  I find some type of recreation which brings joy and takes my focus off the pain.  Most importantly I go to church! I get in His presence.  I celebrate all God has done for me! I may dance, I may cry, but something about God's presence changes my situation.  And that is why one week later I can say, "I love my life!"

We are riding an emotional roller coaster called grief.  We are going to have highs and lows, but just like a roller coaster, the highest highs, and the lowest lows are at the beginning.  As the ride continues, the highs and lows begin to balance out.  Grief will bring high highs, and low lows, but keep working it out.  Keep seeking God. Keep praying.  Life will become stable again.  It just takes time!

The Reality of Heaven

As a Christian we know heaven exists. We read the accounts in the Bible describing it. And we are confident in knowing that Jesus really does go to to prepare a place for us. But it isn't until the day you lose someone you love as much as life, that it becomes a reality. 

Becoming a widow brought an entirely new perspective of eternity. The moment I walked into the hospital room and saw his lifeless body I knew the truth of our three part being: spirit, soul and body. There was his body, empty, void; a shell that once cased my husband. The actually body wasn't what I loved, it was his spirit, the real man. And that day his spirit departed. "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." (2 Corinthians 5:8) I know that heaven is a reality and my husband is there. He is not the body he left behind, he is the man, the spirit that lives forever in glory. 

Despite my knowledge of this truth, I still feel compelled to honor his body. At the funeral and visitation I couldnt stop touching him. Weird, I know. I had never touched a dead body until his. And I couldnt stop. I kept playing with his hair, holding his hands, and I kept right by His side. At the very last moment I kissed his forehead one last time. I know it's just a shell, but that shell housed the man I loved and it meant something to me. 

In my visits to the cemetery I often wonder why I'm even there, because I know that Jonathan isn't. His spirit isn't there. He's in heaven with our savior Jesus. Even so, I still go. I still visit on important occasions or when I feel the need. And I talk to him. I often wonder if God allows him to see. If God shows him the times I cry at his grave, or if God let's him hear what I'm saying. I'm not certain that He does. But there is something healing in going. There's a healing that occurs when I talk to him or when I cry.  It's my way of getting closure. His grave is a frame of reference. Someplace I can go to identify with my husband, and the loss. 

Since his death I've had moments of great accomplishment, that he never would have believed.  Oddly, if he were here, these accomplishments never would have happened. Moments like  finishing my first half marathon, or repelling down a 4 story building. I want him to see, so I ask God to open up heaven and show him.  

I know if he could see me now he'd be so proud!  Even if he never sees my victories, I ask God anyway.  Even if he never hears a word I say, I speak anyway. If he never sees a tear I cry, I cry anyway.

At All Times

I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continually fill my mouth. Psalm 34:1.  In the past I read this verse and I understood it as always be praising God.  Like the old song says, "Praise Him in the morning, Praise Him in the noontime."  And I do believe it means that.  But after you've experienced a tragedy in your life: the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a betrayal, losing a job, this scripture takes on a much deeper meaning.

Praise God at all times.  Praise Him when your marriage is strong, and praise Him when its not!  Praise Him when you find out your pregnant, and when you can't conceive.  Praise Him when you can hold your husband in bed at night, and when you have to leave his body in the ground.  At every stage of life, in every situation, we are to Praise God.

Why does He want us to do that?  Doesn't He know how frustrated and angry we are when facing a tragedy?  Yes He does.  And He even understands your questioning.  But God is not the problem, He is the answer.  When we praise Him we are admitting to the fact that yes life sucks right now, but God you are bigger than this problem.  You still love me! Your love for me didn't stop the day this tragedy happened.  And you have a way to turn this around for good (Romans 8:28).  When we magnify God, He becomes bigger in our eyes, and the problem becomes smaller.  We give Him the place He deserves, Lord of our life.  When we praise Him in the good, bad, and ugly times of life, we are building our hope in an unchanging God.  He is good!  He is always good! And I trust Him.

Anyone can praise God when things are going well.  When you move into your dream house, when you get a promotion, when you meet and marry the man of your dreams.  But the true test of our faith and trust in God comes in the hardest of times.  Can you praise God when your spouse betrays you, when you live in the hell created by a loved one's addictions, and when you walk into an empty house the day of the funeral knowing you will never see his face in this world again.  Can you praise God then?  

God you are faithful! You have good plans for me!  You make me an overcomer! You are good.  God you work things out for me because I love you and am called according to your purpose.  You are my Healer.  You are healing my heart.  You are taking away this sorrow! You are my comfort!  I turn to you Father.  I know you love me! I know you love me! I know you love me!  And I love you too!

The Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon

This weekend was the most amazing weekend of my life! It all started about 2 months ago with an invitation to run a half marathon in San Antonio with Dave Ramsey and his team.  When I got the email something in me stirred.  Even though I just began running I had this pull... and when I saw the date was 12 days before the one year anniversary of my husband's death, the pull became stronger.  I thought, I've just walked through one of life's hardest experiences and how awesome would it be to do something so amazing within the first year?  Yes I need to do this! I need to run a half marathon before the one year mark.  While many people do things like this in some one's memory, for me it was quite different.  I had to do this for me.  I had to show myself that I can make it through difficult situations. (For more on why I ran the half marathon see the post "I have to do this" from October.)

So I started training, 8 weeks ahead of time.  At the 4 week mark I realized it would be a poor financial decision to fly to Texas to run the half marathon.  I resolved that I couldn't go.  The disappointment was overwhelming, but I pressed through, deciding to keep training anyway.  I specifically remember where I was on the trail on my 6 mile run when I decided I have to do this.  And I started praying for God to make a way.  The following week I found a closer race that fit my "deadline", the Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon.  It was a lengthy drive, but close enough to make it fit the budget.  So I cut another week off the training plan, and committed.

About 2 weeks before the race I started asking some girl friends to come along.  Each one I asked wasn't able to.  It was then I had this gut feeling the that I was supposed to do it alone.  I continued to ask friend after friend, and each time they couldn't go, I knew in my heart that's how it was supposed to be. For some reason God was telling me, through the "No's" and in my heart, "go it alone girl!"  So that's exactly what I did.  Now let me preface this by saying I was married for almost 9 years.  My husband was an organizer, a planner, and took really good care of me.  I always felt safe when he was there.  When we went somewhere, he drove.  He made hotel reservations, printed maps, etc.  So for almost a decade I'd followed his lead.  So driving 6 hours to a new city, staying overnight in a hotel, running a half marathon and driving home the same day, was a pretty new experience for me!

Friday I arrived in Indianapolis and I walked from the hotel, several blocks, to the expo for check in.  I had no idea where I was, and little idea where I was going.  I was all alone, a young woman, on the streets of this strange downtown city.  Not at all a scene I've lived out before.  On my way back, as I looked up at the high rise buildings, my head held high, heels clicking on the side walk, I smiled with such a confidence and satisfaction.  At that moment I thought, look at me... I'm alone, I'm comfortable, I'm content, and I'm "making it happen" (as Jonathan would have said).  A new level of independent confidence hit me.  I was having a great time, and I was all alone.  For a social person this sounds like an oxymoron.  But it was true.  The whole day I had accomplished some pretty significant tasks, and the race hadn't even started yet.

Fast forward to the next morning- 36 degrees, or so, at the start line, I'm standing there ready to go.  An excitement fills my heart that I can't explain.  I've worked hard, I've committed, I've trained.  And now I'm ready.  Let's get this party started!

My first goal was to finish under 3 hours, that's 13.1 miles running at a pace of 13:44.  I knew I could comfortably run faster than that pace, but hadn't run past 9 miles... ever! So I decided to run at 13:30 for my pace, because I knew I could do it very comfortably.  Then if I had extra energy I would speed up at the end.  My second goal was to finish... and finish without walking.  One thing I learned during my training was if I paced myself right, and could breathe comfortably I really can go the distance.  I think endurance is my strength.  I'm not the fastest runner out there, but the tortoise wins the race, right?

It took 6 minutes after the gun went off for me to reach the start line.  Apparently 10,000+ people were running the race, so it took some time.  I set my pace, breathing comfortable, and started off.  It was a little cold, but made for perfect running weather.  In the first 1/3 of the race, I continued at a steady pace, as person after person made their way past me. I wasn't worried because I knew I had to maintain for 13.1 miles.

I stayed steady, talked to a few random people along the way, and had a smile on my face when I thought about what I was doing.  I made sure to take it all in.  Turning my music down for all the water stations, or entertainment, reading every sign, and thanking officers stopping traffic.  I read many great t-shirt backs along the way, and enjoyed the cheering crowds, along the way.  I had enough energy to talk, smile, and shout along the way.  I gave high fives to teens at the water stations, while Eye of the Tiger, or Rocky's theme song played in the back ground.

Towards the end of the race, I was still comfortable and steady with my pace.  At this point I began passing people, those who had slowed down or were walking.  When the last mile hit my legs were tired.  I could feel a dull pain starting in my thighs.  One more mile... I can make it.  No walking, just keep going. Then I got a text from my BFF, perfect timing.  Between that and the cheering crowds I was able to push through, and I crossed the finish line at 2:48:55.

The moment my foot crossed, and I started to walk, a flood of emotion hit me.  I can't put into words what I felt, it definitely wasn't sadness.  It was as if all I had been through the past few years, had just been washed over by what I had done in the last 3 hours.  Like the tide coming in, pushing over the sand castles of yesterday, and leaving a fresh beach ready for a new day.  And I started to cry.  Not a single tear, no this was a face contorted, serious cry.  I wasn't expecting this response.  It was the joy of knowing I had done it! I had taken what was horrible and let it fuel me to do something amazing.  I DID IT!!!  The only problem with this emotional outburst was I couldn't breathe.  I had been breathing just fine the whole race, but the moment I started to cry, my breath was taken away.  I managed to stop crying, and regained my breath.  Once again taking it all in.

There I stood in the middle of thousands of people, medal around my neck, a half-marathoner! It was the most amazing moment of my life.  I felt so accomplished, so proud of myself for completing this race!  I had never felt that way about myself or any accomplishment, ever!  And even though I was there alone, I didn't at all feel like I missed out.  I believe I was supposed to be alone.  God needed to show me something about myself that I have been struggling with for almost a year now: All I need is God!

I've said it a million times, I got a tattoo to symbolize it, and I wear rings to remind me.  But it wasn't until I traveled to Indianapolis and ran the Indianapolis Monumental Half Marathon that I truly understood and believed it.  Jesus is all I need!  I don't need a man to believe in me for me to accomplish great things.  I don't need his support, or encouragement to push through when it gets hard.  Every part of this half marathon journey has been on my own: just me and God.  From the training, to the trip, to the race; He's been the only one there with me.  And I did it!  He really is all I need.  With God I can do anything!  I can do great things by myself.  And even more than that I can enjoy them.

This weekend I had the most amazing time of my life, and no one was there to celebrate it with me.  And that's okay.  Its actually more than okay- it was perfect.  I did this race for me.  And I know that it changed my life.  It gave me a level of contentment I don't think I have ever had. It proved to me that I am a survivor- more than a conqueror!  I'm really am alright, just me and God!

Broken

In my prayer time recently, I saw this picture of my heart, it was shattered into a million pieces, like broken glass.  After 11 months, its still broken.  My heart is broken from watching the man I love self destruct.  My heart is broken from the extreme situations I was in over the past few years.  My heart is broken from  burying my husband.  No one can see it.

It started with the phone call, "Your husband is in the emergency room, there has been an accident."  At that moment, the fragile glass which made up my heart, got a hairline crack.  Walking into the emergency room, and feeling all eyes on me.  A little more pressure on the crack.  And when they told me he had died... the crack started to spread.  And just like a crack in your windshield, it begins to spider.  One small crack, now resembles a web.  Multiple lines in different directions.  Still held together, but more fragile then ever.  As I walked into the room where he was laying, lifeless, touching his cold hand, saying "What did you do Jonathan?" More pressure, more cracks, this time deeper and longer.  But none of that compares to the pressure as I stood over my husband's casket, with my hand on the lid, lowering it down over the last glimpse I'll have of his face on this earth, the cracks drove so deep that my heart shattered in that instant.  No longer held together, but broken to pieces.  You couldn't see it, but that's what happened.

And since that moment my heart shattered, all I have wanted was for God to put the pieces back together.  At first I pretended it wasn't broken.  But you can't function long with a broken heart before you realize it. And once I realized it my prayer quickly became, "God, take my brokenness and make something beautiful." I've been praying this for months now.  And my desire to have my heart restored continues.  I just want to be done with this healing process.  Perhaps because its so uncomfortable, I really just want it to be over.  Maybe its because I want to feel the consistant joy of life again, that I'm trying to rush through the process.

Since that vision I saw of my heart a few days ago, God has continued to speak to me about brokenness.  He showed me that I need to stop focusing on being healed and rushing the process.  Brokenness is beautiful in God's eyes.  He uses the broken.  I need to let God do what He desires to do in me during this time and stop trying to "be done".  As I do I can see Him moving. He's been revealing my calling to ministry and drawing me to deeper levels, because of what I have walked thorough.  Because of my brokenness He can use me more powerfully.  I must truly let Him take my brokenness and make something beautiful.  I believe that beauty I'm praying for will be shown in the women's lives I touch.

There is something powerful about being broken before God.  My pastor, Richard Crisco, taught a powerful message on the power of brokenness this past Sunday. God draws near to the broken hearted.  I am sharing that podcast with you!  Whether you are a widow or not, there will likely be a time in your life when your heart will be shattered to pieces like mine.  When that happens, you are ripe for an encounter with God.  Some of the most life altering experiences with God come when we are broken before Him!

Click here to listen to Broken and Hungry, by Richard Crisco

The Power of a Room

There is this room in my house...  For the past 11 months it has had tremendous power over me. When I walk past its open door, it always pulls a glance its way.  When I enter it, the reality of past hurts await me.  It is the room in which my husband died.

I wasn't home the night he died, and I didn't want to return home either, because he had died there.  But the fact is, I have my dream home.  Its my home, God gave it to me,  and I love it! Filled with the encouragement and support of my friends, I returned home after burying my husband.  And in a short amount of time I "got over" the fact that he died here... all except for that room.  The first time I entered it after he died, I literally spoke out loud to it.  "Room, you will not have any power over me!"  But despite my words, it did.  And it has for months.  I  got rid of all the furniture that was in there, because I thought it would help.  However, it only served to make it worse.  It became cold and sterile, like a crime scene: white walls, white carpet, no furniture, no drapes.

Last winter my best friend encouraged me, "you should do something wonderful with that room.  Make it your prayer room.  Give the devil a black eye."  I loved the idea, but resisted.  "I don't think I can be in that room, with my eyes closed...."  I told her.  It was due to the trauma I suffered at a young age which caused a fear of death. I dealt with that fear most of my life.  Although in recent years God set me free from it, I knew I couldn't possibly be comfortable in that room, not at night, not with my eyes closed.

But something amazing happened over the next few days.  As I was praying in my bedroom I had this desire to go in the room, and pray there.  So I decided to make it my prayer room.  I began praying in there last winter, and I would consistently spend my quiet time with God in there.  I loved the idea of taking what had been a symbol  of pain and a scar of my loss, and using it for something beautiful and purposeful.  All the while, there was still this uncomfortableness about it.

A few weeks ago I was starting to really struggle with grief, which I am sure is normal as I approach the one year anniversary.  As I would pray in there, my eyes would be drawn to the spot of the room where I envisioned him dying, and I'd be distracted by grief.

 I decided it was time to take this "crime scene" of a room, and physically turn it into my prayer room.  I bought some paint, a rug, and curtains.  I pulled some shelves from the basement, and went to work.  In the process of finishing this project something changed; there was a shift.  The room lost its power!  The very first morning I entered my prayer room, the joy of the Lord was waiting for me.  I had the most joyful, happy, peaceful time in prayer, that I've had in months.  I now glance down the hall, and instead of an eeriness, I'm hungry to pray.  The rooms calls to me, to come and be with my Jesus, to spend time with Him, morning, noon or night.

I absolutely love praying, worshipping, or reading my Bible in there.  It is no longer "the room", it's now truly my prayer room.  What has happened in that room no longer bothers me.  On the contrary, its very healing. There is something so beautiful about having intimate moments with my Maker, in the exact place where my husband experienced his most intimate of moments with Him- going home!  The room is a picture of my life.  God is taking something empty, barren and cold- a reflection of all my hurts and pains, and turning it into something utterly beautiful!

By Myself, but not Alone

I feel this pulling, this draw to just be alone.  I first recognized about a week ago, when I wasn't able to get a friend to accommodate me on my road trip for the half marathon.  And oddly enough I am completely okay with it.  I feel that God, for whatever reason is pulling me away from others, and to himself.  I feel this need to be alone. 


I am such a social person.  I love being in a room full of strangers, because I can openly talk to any of them.  So this call to be on my own is a big challenge.  I understand that God has a great purpose for it.  A few months ago, I felt him telling me, "the only voice I need in my head is God's."  And sometimes because of my social nature, I involve too many people, each with their own voice and opinion of what I need to do in my life.  And it causes me to be confused.  I mix a person's voice with direction I feel from God.  And sometimes I can't tell if its what God himself wants me to do, or what others think I should do.  But when its just me and God, I hear his voice so clearly.  I know what His directions are for me, and what He is telling me to do.  


I've been asking God, "why do you want me alone?  What is the purpose of pulling me away?"  Its amazing how when you take the time to ask such simple questions, He will answer. Last night as I'm sitting in a class at church, my pastor shared about the word "alone."  In the Hebrew, the Word for "alone,  can have two different meanings.  It can mean alone, as in lonely; or alone, as in one with God.  It was at that moment I realized, "God you are calling me to be one with you!"  

This is not the first time I have felt this overwhelming pull to Him in my widowhood.  I felt it about 6 months after the passing of my late husband.  Isaiah 54:4-5 spoke so strongly to me:  “ Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth,  And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband, The LORD of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth".  From reflecting on these verses I came to understand that God was my husband.  It was just me and God.  Thats my life, thats my source.  Me and God, united.


I decided to get a tattoo to symbolize this season of my life: just me and God.  He's my husband.  He's all I need.    The tattoo for me was a marker, like the altar's God would have our forefathers make, to mark an event that happened so they wouldn't forget.  I didn't ever want to forget that God is my husband!  The best part was the next available appointment to get the tattoo done just so happened to be on my wedding anniversary!  How amazing is our God?  The exact day that I would have been upset, and discouraged, God gave me something beautiful to replace it.  Now my anniversary is with God!


Somewhere along the way, I've lost track of that focus: me and God.  Life gets busy.  Distractions arise.  We get focused on making our desires come to pass, instead of waiting for God to.  I believe this is why He's calling me back to Him again right now.   He has so much He wants to do in me.  And when I turn away from all distraction, and focus on Him, He is able to do that work, completely!  Today I chose to be
alone: One with God.