Super MOM

I used to think, "I'm super woman.... I can do it all!"  Of course that was when I was newly married, no full time kids, and a teacher.  I thought I could be a mom, teacher, and a wife, and do them all very well.  Then my heart started to change.  The closer I got to having my own family I realized that I really wanted to opportunity to stay home and raise them. I loved my job as a teacher.  But I didn't want to raise other people's children, in exchange for raising mine.  And when I had my son I was ready! Ready to leave the teaching world and enter the world of stay at home moms.

I was blessed to stay home with my son for the first 18 months.  I loved being home.  I joined clubs with other stay at home moms, and Gabe and I had play dates.  We also had the opportunity to care for my father as he suffered with cancer.  It was a great season.  Then life happened.  Finances changed and the security I once had in my marriage vanished.  I had to go back to work, no matter how hard it was.  So I began the world of part time employment.

It seems ideal on the outside: I get to work and I get to spend time with my son.  But it wasn't ideal. I was trapped between two worlds: working mom, and stay at home mom. I didn't fit in with either.  I continued to give my all at work, even though it was only a half day.  And by the time I came home I was exhausted, my son was having nap time, and I still had all the responsibilities of a stay at home mom.  After all I "only" worked part time, I should be able to clean the house, plan meals, pay bills, grocery shop, cook dinner, and spend quality time with my son.  All in the extra 3 hours each day.  It was some what of a nightmare.  I loved the fact that I had more time with my son, but the exhaustion and extra responsibilities that a full time working mom doesn't carry, seemed to out weigh the benefits.

Then my challenging situation got even harder.  My husband died, and I became a single working mom.  I took over a family business, kept teaching part time, and now had to raise my 3 year old son all on my own.  This was the hardest season of them all.  Fortunately I was able to end teaching at the end of the year and just work at the business.  But still I was out of balance. When I was working, I'd come home exhausted.  I'd feel overwhelmed at the tasks ahead of me: dinner, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc.  It was too much for one woman to take on.  I was not super mom.  And I was okay with it.

That's where I've come from, thats been my life for the past 4 years.  The challenges I faced reveal to me how wonderful and balanced my life is now.  My working life and my stay at home mom life are very clearly divided.  I travel 3 hours away, a few days every other week for work.  So when I am gone, my soul focus, my only task is work.  I can work late, I don't have to cook dinner, or worry about kid's homework.  On the contrast when I am home, I'm home.  I still work but its in a home office, on my own schedule, and no one is home during the day.  I am able to organize my day to take care of my family: laundry, groceries, meals, etc.  I end it at 2 each day, so that I am focused and ready to pick up my 3 kids.  I find such a strange joy in picking them up from school each day.  And when we get home, we have a snack, and start homework. I'm single minded, so I am able to provide structure for them and give them my full attention.  I have flexibility to volunteer in my son's class, attend field trips and just be around.  I still get to use my mind, and challenge myself through work, but also focus 100% on my family when they walk through the door. Its the life I've always dreamed of!

Its taken a few weeks to really get in the groove.  Finding out how to get a run in during the day, but not sacrifice work.  Setting a schedule for grocery shopping, and planning meals.  Squeezing loads of laundry in between work.  What days to volunteer and what days to travel for work.  Its somewhat of a balancing act.  But I'm working it... and I'm enjoying it.  I can't summarize it any better than this: My step daughter says to me, "I've always wanted a stay at home mom" and she proceeds to tell me how she enjoys that I can pick her up from school, and on the days she has dance right after, I bring her snacks.

I may not be superwoman, but I AM supermom!  But not in the way I once thought. I'm not a mom who does everything. I pick and choose.  I prioritize.  I am supermom, because I am a good mom. My family knows they are my priority and they feel my love.  And that is what makes me supermom!

Rapunzel

I've been really bored lately.  Just the past few days I have been noticing it more and more.  And while Im very content with my life, there is this boredom I'm feeling.  Its not a miserable feeling.  But it seems like I hit a certain point in the day and I start endlessly checking Facebook, texting some friends, and staring at the phone.  So tonight I'm analyzing it.  What is going on?

I'm basically a stay at home mom, although I add in a few morning classes and a some work outside the home, but in reality I am home, with a three year old, ALL the time.  He is my companion, my social outlet, and in the evening no one else is coming home. Its just me and my boy.  And I love that! This is a very special time I have with him.  I don't have to share him with anyone.  Its just the two of us.   I love that I have the ability to be a stay at home mom! When I first had my son that was our plan. And for 18 months I was home.  But then because circumstances changed, I had to go back to work.  And for the past two years I taught kindergarten part time.  Now God has given me the ability, in such an impossible situation, to stay at home once again.  He is the best redeemer!  Just another way He has turned this tragedy around for good for me.  This is a crucial time, my son needs me.  I'm all he has. So I willingly and joyfully give myself to him.

But every positive has a negative side to it.  And the downside here is that I am not 3, I am a very social 34 year old woman.  I live in a tower, like Rapunzel.  Just me and my son in the tower, no doors, no entrance, no ladder.  No one is coming and going.  Its just me and him.  Occasionally I "let down my hair" and reach out to people outside the tower.  Virtual interaction mostly.  Texting.  Facebook.  And now blogging. As wonderful as life is in the tower,  I long to be outside these social stone walls which hide me away from the world. I long to spend a day in the meadow, enjoying the freeness of life.

The tower gets boring. I have a strong social need to go out, get away and spend some time with people my age.  I get very little time to myself, mostly when I'm running, or at night once he is in bed.  But its a very brief and short time.  And again. its virtual social interaction.  I realized the other day while using the bathroom, and my son barged in... that I can't even do that in private.  He's always there. And the moment I'm out of his sight and he realizes it... I hear footsteps, and anticipate the door opening.  I am sure thats normal for a boy who has experienced loss.  Daddy disappeared and so he stays close to me.  He follows me upstairs in the morning when I put on my make-up, he crawls into my bed in the early hours of the morning, and comes downstairs when I'm on the treadmill.  And there is no break.  No one comes home every evening and spends time with our son so I can make dinner, or take a bath, or run to the store.  Nope.  Not happening.  No one comes home each evening to greet me, ask about my day and converse over dinner.  No one is hear to sit on the couch and discuss what is going on in the world.  And I'm starting to feel the effects of that void.

For a very long time I had a sitter coming once a week, so that I could go out.  And it got to the point where I was primarily going out alone, but at least it was a break.  Through the changing of her schedule and the budget I'm trying to stick to, its hasn't been anything close to weekly.  Maybe thats another piece of the puzzle.  I think its time I make a few adjustments, so that I get out of the tower once and a while.  If I can go out, have some repreave, and fill my social tank, upon my return I will scale the wall of the tower with anticipation! Ready for the next adventure awaiting me, whether it be Thomas the Train delivering a load, Bob the builder fixing something, or firefighters putting out fires.