The Lighthouse Half Marathon

It was 50 degrees and rainy, but I had signed up for the inaugural race of the Lighthouse Half Marathon, and I was going to run it! I knew it was going to be a challenging course weeks before I signed up, having continuous hills for 10 of the 13 miles.  Add in the 3 hour time limit, if you don't finish in 3 hours, you don't get a medal or an official time... and the pressure was on.  Two weeks before, I had run another half marathon, that was also hilly, and I finished that in 2:48.  So I was nervous.  But I knew I wanted to be part of the race, and I decided to rise to the challenge.

Everything seemed perfect, the temperature was in the mid 50s, and the continual rain for the past 24 hours, had stopped! I met a really nice girl on the bus, who had was running her first race ever... and a half marathon at that!  The day was looking great!  I knew I would encounter a few bumps along the way, specifically the hills, and mud from all the rain, as a good portion of the race was on trails or dirt roads.  But I wasn't moved by it.  I had made up my mind, I was gonna win the battle in my head, and have a great race!

Moments before the gun went off, the rain started.  And it never stopped.  Not for 3 hours.  It changed from terrential down pour, to down pour, and an occasional rain, but never let up.  Once again I decided that my will, my outlook would determine my success.  So I ran, in the rain. And I enjoyed it, most of the time anyway.  I remember the moment when I hit the half mile up hill at mile 9.5, and I was struggling.  I wanted to run it all, without walking, but it just wasn't gonna happen.  It was hard, so I pushed myself a lot, like I had committed, and took as few walk breaks as possible.

 It was in that moment I realized that this race was so much like life.  Even though we get self deluded and think life is supposed to be easy, and everything should magically fall in place, it doesn't work that way.  That's how life is.  Its a challenge.  And so was this race.  The hills were a challenge.  The rain was a challenge, even the down hills were a challenge! Yes even in the decline there were obstacles to over come.  The mud was a challenge.  Despite all the challenges I stayed steady, true and strong and pushed through for the prize!  I made a mental decision, long before I was in the middle of the challenging situation, that I would face it and conquer it!  And in the moment when I wanted to cave I remembered that.  I would state my goal to myself, and then do it!  In the middle of this half mile hill I reminded myself that I have a medal waiting for me at the end, and it is worth the struggle to receive the prize!

The past 5 years of my life felt much like a half marathon, it was hard.  I faced challenges, they were hard, they hurt, and I wanted to give up more than once.  But I made the decision in my head, long before I ever was in the situation, that I am a winner, a conqueror, and that life will not move me! I kept my eyes on the prize, the promises of God for my life.  And in the middle of the hard times I repeated them to myself over and over.  "God you have great plans for me!" (My version of Jeremiah 29:11).  I took walk breaks when needed, but never let the situation crush or stop me.  I pressed on, until the finish line was in sight.  And now I feel like I've just crossed that line, wearing my medal, happy and proud of myself for making it through.  I'm experiencing the thrill of victory, and it wipes away all the pain of the struggle.

Where ever you are in your race of life, whatever challenge you face, don't give up! Make the decision in your head to conquer and win.  Keep your eye on the prize, and speak God's promise to yourself when you need to keep yourself going!  You will get through this.  You will get the medal! You will survive!

Challenges

I've been around a lot of women lately who are struggling. They are struggling with their marriage, they are struggling with their separations, they are struggling with their coping mechanisms.  Different paths, different situations, yet all are struggling.


As I was running last week I had this realization: Every path has its own challenges.  I have 3 different paths that I choose for my runs.  The first has has hills and horrible wind for the first mile.  The second path has some hills, isn't well kept leaving ice on the path, and is a little shorter than what I desire.  The third path is a flat trail, that just keeps going for about 16 miles.  I choose my path based on the weather, and the length I'm desiring to run.  So last week when I ran 9 miles, I chose the flat path.  I knew it would cover the distance I needed, and because it was flat I figured it would be easier.  That was when I realized this life lesson.  This flat path did have challenges.  They were different challenges than the wind, or the hills, but a challenge none the less.  I was running straight, down a trail, no curves, little change in scenery, just flat and straight for 9 miles! It was long, and it just kept going, and going.  It was a mentally challenging path.

What a powerful analogy for life.  Every path has its challenges.  We so often think, if this one area would change, if this path didn't have the hills, it would be so much easier.  Until we get on that path just to realize, it may not have hills, but its covered with ice.  My previous pastor always said, "the grass may be greener on the other side, but it still has to be mowed." 


So I challenge you today: whatever situation you are facing, whatever your path, your struggles, don't put your solution in changing paths.  Because I promise you the challenges will be there.  They will just be different.  If you are struggling in your marriage, and you think leaving is the answer to happiness, be warned, every path has its challenges.  The single path is not necessarily easier- it just has different challenges.  If you are struggling with being a single mom, and you think finding that special man will take your problems away, be warned, every path has its challenges.  

Challenges are just part of life.  They build character.  They make us stronger.  I would not be the powerful, confident woman of God I am today if it weren't for the challenges in my life.  So as you make your decisions, as you face your struggles, remember what Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) You will not be able avoid challenges, and if you change paths just to do so you find yourself frustrated and confused.  Rather seek Jesus in those times of trouble.  He has overcome them and will lead you to overcome them as well!

The Beauty of Forgiveness

One of my "virtual" friends recently told me how amazed she was that I put together the memorial run for my late husband.  Knowing some of the poor choices he had made, and how they hurt me, she didn't think she would have been able to honor him in that way.  As I read it, I knew immediately why I was able to honor him, and show respect to a man who, because of his issues, dishonored me.  Its simple: forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing! It erases the hurt, and the pain.  It gives someone an emotional blank slate in your heart.  Forgiveness does not condone or agree with a person's decisions.  Forgiveness does not forget. I wish I could forget!  It would be easy to express forgiveness towards a person if you had no recollection of every wrong they had ever done.  But to remember, to know each and every hurt, and betrayal, and forgive anyway... now that's powerful!

Shortly after my late husband died, I was drawn to his grave site.  I had no idea why I was there.  I know his spirit is in heaven, and therefore all that remains is an empty shell of what was my husband.  So I stood at his grave, asking out loud "why am I here?"  And then it came, flooded with tears... "I forgive you Jonathan."  What... what did I just say?  I thought I had forgiven him.  Apparently there were more layers to forgive.  Forgiveness is continual.  You can forgive a person one time for one action, but repeated offenses require repeated forgiveness.  So I cried for a while, next to the barren pile of dirt which embraced my husband's body.  "I forgive you.  I forgive you."

I've been stirring on this topic for a few days now, and wouldn't you know it, today an old wound reopened.  I was reminded in a very real way of how my husband had dishonored me to his employees at work.  And even though he's been gone almost a year, and I have developed my own relationship with these employees, it still hurt.  I felt fresh blood, out of an old scab, one I thought had been healed.  I felt the new disappointment of just wanting him to adore me, to make me his world.  I questioned his love for me,  even though I have two letters he wrote me during the month before he died which reveal to me that love.  I felt embarrassed.  Most of all, I hurt.  And when that emotional sting arrises, so does the need to forgive.

Yes as I sit here writing about how wonderful it is to have forgiven this man who inadvertently brought so much pain, hurt, and struggle into my life, I find myself in need of forgiving him... again!  And who am I to presume this would be the last time?  During the course of my healing, perhaps even my life, I may find myself standing, kneeling, or sitting graveside, tears streaming down my face as I say, "I forgive you Jonathan.  I forgive you."

Stand at the Crossroads

Tonight I sit here, in the midst of yet another impossible situation.  And I want to scream out saying, "Haven't I had enough? Where is my break?"  But one thing I know.... God is faithful.  And as I lay face down on the floor tonight praying, I was stirred to recall all the things God has brought me through.  I was diagnosed with Crohns, God healed me! I had experienced personal betrayal, God helped me to trust again.  I faced difficulties of many kinds in the past three years, and instead of running, God equipped me to stand strong and let Him move in the midst of the chaos.  And through it all He was my strength, and he brought me out on top.

And yet here I am, following the direction He has led me and it seems like everything is shaky and unsure. Yet I am confident that I heard His voice.  So as I lay there declaring His faithfulness in my life, I am reminded that if He brought me through all of those trials, struggles and situations, He is faithful to do it again!

When we reach that point where there is nothing more that we can do to solve our problems, heal our hurt, or make sense of a life fallen apart, He is there.  We need to fall on our knees, and recognize that where our ability stops- His begins!  And that is where I am tonight.  "God I can't do a thing to make this situation come together- but YOU can.  I trust you and tonight I need to hear your voice.  I know that you directed me down this path- which means you will either bring provision or wisdom."

Jeremiah 6:16  New International Version (NIV)

 ¹⁶ This is what the LORD says  “Stand at the crossroads and look;  ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.  But you said, ‘We will not walk in it.’

Tonight I am at a crossroad.  I am standing.  I am looking.  I am asking God which way to go.  And I know He will be that still small voice behind me saying, "this is the way, walk in it" (Isaiah 30:21).  I commit to follow His leading and find the rest awaiting my weary soul.  I challenge you tonight: whatever you are facing, whatever has brought you to this crossroad, trust Him enough to ask which way to go.  Get quiet enough to hear His guidance.  Then walk in it and experience a rest and peace that only God can bring. 

Rapunzel

I've been really bored lately.  Just the past few days I have been noticing it more and more.  And while Im very content with my life, there is this boredom I'm feeling.  Its not a miserable feeling.  But it seems like I hit a certain point in the day and I start endlessly checking Facebook, texting some friends, and staring at the phone.  So tonight I'm analyzing it.  What is going on?

I'm basically a stay at home mom, although I add in a few morning classes and a some work outside the home, but in reality I am home, with a three year old, ALL the time.  He is my companion, my social outlet, and in the evening no one else is coming home. Its just me and my boy.  And I love that! This is a very special time I have with him.  I don't have to share him with anyone.  Its just the two of us.   I love that I have the ability to be a stay at home mom! When I first had my son that was our plan. And for 18 months I was home.  But then because circumstances changed, I had to go back to work.  And for the past two years I taught kindergarten part time.  Now God has given me the ability, in such an impossible situation, to stay at home once again.  He is the best redeemer!  Just another way He has turned this tragedy around for good for me.  This is a crucial time, my son needs me.  I'm all he has. So I willingly and joyfully give myself to him.

But every positive has a negative side to it.  And the downside here is that I am not 3, I am a very social 34 year old woman.  I live in a tower, like Rapunzel.  Just me and my son in the tower, no doors, no entrance, no ladder.  No one is coming and going.  Its just me and him.  Occasionally I "let down my hair" and reach out to people outside the tower.  Virtual interaction mostly.  Texting.  Facebook.  And now blogging. As wonderful as life is in the tower,  I long to be outside these social stone walls which hide me away from the world. I long to spend a day in the meadow, enjoying the freeness of life.

The tower gets boring. I have a strong social need to go out, get away and spend some time with people my age.  I get very little time to myself, mostly when I'm running, or at night once he is in bed.  But its a very brief and short time.  And again. its virtual social interaction.  I realized the other day while using the bathroom, and my son barged in... that I can't even do that in private.  He's always there. And the moment I'm out of his sight and he realizes it... I hear footsteps, and anticipate the door opening.  I am sure thats normal for a boy who has experienced loss.  Daddy disappeared and so he stays close to me.  He follows me upstairs in the morning when I put on my make-up, he crawls into my bed in the early hours of the morning, and comes downstairs when I'm on the treadmill.  And there is no break.  No one comes home every evening and spends time with our son so I can make dinner, or take a bath, or run to the store.  Nope.  Not happening.  No one comes home each evening to greet me, ask about my day and converse over dinner.  No one is hear to sit on the couch and discuss what is going on in the world.  And I'm starting to feel the effects of that void.

For a very long time I had a sitter coming once a week, so that I could go out.  And it got to the point where I was primarily going out alone, but at least it was a break.  Through the changing of her schedule and the budget I'm trying to stick to, its hasn't been anything close to weekly.  Maybe thats another piece of the puzzle.  I think its time I make a few adjustments, so that I get out of the tower once and a while.  If I can go out, have some repreave, and fill my social tank, upon my return I will scale the wall of the tower with anticipation! Ready for the next adventure awaiting me, whether it be Thomas the Train delivering a load, Bob the builder fixing something, or firefighters putting out fires.