Friday, March 30, 2012

Closing the Door

I'm sitting here in my bed on the last night in my house.  All my things are packed, and along with it all my dreams.  This was my dream house. It was the place I was going to fill with children, raise my family, and grow old with my husband.  Its everything I ever wanted.  But tonight its empty.  Its void. Its merely a frame.

All my belongings are packed, and along with it I am taking the dreams, the hopes, and the visions of happiness I once equated to the house.  I have realized through this entire packing, selling my belongings and moving process that a house is simply that: a frame of wood which we purpose to fill.  What makes a house special isn't the size of the walk in closet, the jetted tub, or even the gorgeous cherry kitchen.  Its the people inside. Its having a family that loves each other inside of it.  Its the husband coming home, and the wife and children excited to see him.  Its the talks on the back deck, snuggling on the couch, and family discussion around the dinner table.  

I had none of those things here.  My dream house was more of a nightmare.  The hardest years of our marriage were here.  The darkest moments my husband had were here.  The utter emptiness which rested upon our marriage happened here.  It was here that I took a stand against emotional control.  It was here that I watched my husband fall apart.  It was here that I equate with his death.  Tonight my house is empty.  Its empty like my dreams for the family we once had.  Its empty, just as my marriage was in those last months.  The house is empty.

The house is empty, but I am not.  I am full of hope. I realized that the dreams I once had of raising babies, and growing old with the man I love are still possible.  God isn't done with me, or my son.  I've packed my dreams, and placed them in God's hands.  Yes its gonna look different than I had planned.  It will be in a different house, with a different man, and a different family dynamic.  But change can be wonderful.  I'm ready to let go of this house, the failed dreams and the scars.  I'm ready to leave the memories, the hurt, the struggles.  I'm ready to close the door on this part of my life and step forward into my future.

I am sure when I leave tomorrow I will cry.  How can I not?  I plan to walk through the rooms of this empty house leaving behind what was.  And as I close the door one last time, I will close the door on my painful past, and step towards my wonderful future.  I will grab my Daddy's hand, and say "I'm ready God.  I'm ready for the plans YOU have for me."

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  -Jeremiah 29:11 


  1. Beautiful post Jen! Thanks for sharing.

  2. Jennifer,
    Thanks for posting. I've followed your blog just recently and have been wondering how you have been. I understand the pain you are going through as my husband too choose to leave my son and I. Both of our husbands it seems had the same stuggles. But,I'm also encouraged as you share because with Christ you know where your hope lies. I pray your move will be the beginning of new hopes and dreams for you. Selling a home all by yourself had to be so stressful, but I see as you were obedient to God He led you through the process. This may be something I might have to do in the future,and I am encouraged by the strength you receive from God despite your circumstances. I hope you will continue to let us all know how the Lord works in your life. I will continue to lift you up to the Lord in my prayers.

  3. Shannon, Thank you for joining me in this journey. Last month I posted so little because of all the craziness of preparing for the move. I am sorry for your situation, but I know and have been learning that God is faithful! I pray you experience His strength, love and faithfulness in your trials as I have in mine.