In the Midst of It...

A few days ago I heard that one of my closest friends from 8th grade died unexpectedly.  I hadn't really talked to her since 8th grade, almost 20 years ago.  But I felt compelled to go to the funeral visitation.  I distinctly remember someone coming to my late husband's visitation who was a friend from middle school. And the fact that someone cared enough to come, especially from such a distant relationship in the past touched me deeply.  So tonight was my opportunity.

As I pulled up to the funeral home I thought very presumptuously, "Oh I've been here so much I am immune to this place."  And in some ways that was true.  I had spent the summer planning, ordering and making changes to my late husband's grave marker.  Which involved numerous appointments at the funeral home.  A few of those appointments where emotionally difficult at moments, but overall it was a peaceful experience.

Sitting in the parking lot tonight I was reflecting on those experiences, thinking how great it was this place didn't carry the "sting" it once did.  As I walked in I greeted one of the staff, Tom, who I recall from not only my late husband's funeral, but my sisters as well.  He remembered me and I gave him a brief hug.  It was at that moment that I realized what I was about to face: the room.  The same room in which I had said goodbye to my husband.  The same room where I gave the eulogy for my sister.  Of course it was that room,  I shouldn't have been surprised.  Life has a way of being like that.

So I take a deep breath and enter.  As I stepped into the room, I slowly begin to shake, and tears fill my eyes.  I can't even put words on what was happening.  There were no thoughts going through my head. Just tears, and shaking.  I tried to stay strong, but I was overwhelmed.  Not at the loss of the friend.  It wasn't her funeral I was reacting to.

I was almost embarrassed.  A room full of people I don't know, and a visitation for a friend I hadn't seen in 20 years, and here I am fighting back tears and shaking.  All of a sudden I was caught up in the moments of what I have lost.  When you lose someone so close there is an odd strength that comes upon you during the funeral process. The grace of God shows up.  Add to that the fact that you are still walking in a state of shock.  To an extent your emotions are numb.  But tonight, here I was, absolutely in no way expecting a response like this.  My emotions were raw, no longer numb like the last two times I had entered that room.  My guard was down.  And up it flooded- more healing.

After signing the guest book, I had to get out.  Catch my breath, cry, pray, whatever I needed to do.  So I called for reinforcements- Julie, my widowed bff.  She'd understand.  Over the phone she lovingly encouraged me.  "Don't suppress Jenn.  Live in the moment.  Do what you have to do.  Let God heal you." She even called this moment beautiful.  She prayed for me, so that I could go back in and greet the family, and to say whatever it is God wants them to hear.

In the midst of this healing moment, that is exactly what I did.  I walked up to the parents and introduced myself.  I was still a little emotional, and felt the need to briefly explain. I feel that my honesty, and maybe even the "rawness" of my emotions at this moment touched them.  I know that the words I spoke won't take away the pain, only God can.  I know that my compassion won't heal them, only God can.  But I took that moment to show them love.  Not to encourage them with false words, but to be real.  "Yes life sucks sometimes.  And sometimes it just doesn't make sense.  But know that there are people who understand.  I have been there.  I get it, and I'm praying for you!"  I will continue to pray for this family.  That God will heal their hearts, and help them to find peace in the midst of this horrible situation.

I feel a kinship with them, with any family actually, that has experienced a tragic loss such as this.  And I am amazed that even while I was going there with them in mind- God took a moment to once again take a piece of brokenness in my heart and replace it with another layer of healing.

Paying Your Respects

"You don't pay respect to a person at their funeral.  They aren't there.  Its how you treat them when they are alive that shows your respect."  My late husband said this to me as we were discussing my grandmother's quickly approaching death.  I will never forget this quote.  Although he was not the most sentimental of people, as is reflected in what he said, there is a lot of truth here.  And it is something that stuck with me as I faced the death of my "real" father in May 2009, two uncles a few months following, my husband in November 2010, and my sister in March 2011.  While he underplayed the importance of the funeral in the healing process and closure, he had a very valid point.  Its really is how we interact with a person while they are alive that shows our love and respect for them.  I call it honor.

Honoring a person begins in during their life, and doesn't stop when they die.  Yes we honor them at the funeral: by sharing their life with those who come, by telling of their accomplishments, by focusing on their strengths, and putting aside their weaknesses. We celebrate their life in stories, pictures, videos, and awards.  But I've come to understand that we continue to honor or dishonor them even after they die.  And its in the way we treat their survivors.  

"The Lord bless him!" Naomi said to her daughter-in-law.  "He has not stopped showing his kindness to the living and the dead." Ruth 2:20

Naomi was referring to a man named Boaz who was showing kindness to her daughter-in-law Ruth, a widow.  Even though Boaz didn't interact with Ruth's late husband, he receives credit as if he did because he showed continued kindness to Ruth.  And it says here God will bless him for it!

 I read that verse months ago and immediately sent it to my bff- who was widowed a year before me.  I said something along the line of: "God rewards people who honor us! And when they honor us they are honoring our husbands.  Amazing!"  God sees it one in the same.  Kindness expressed towards me is kindness expressed to my late husband, and it leads to God's blessing in their life!

I have seen this exemplified by the guys at work.  I am now running the small business my late husband started and owned.  His employees loved him dearly.  They gave him their blood, sweat and tears.  In fact "the guys", as we referred to them, were his pall bearers, and were treated as family the entire funeral process.  There are 3 of them in particular who have made a point to honor me since his death.  I get to work closely with them, as they are the managers of the company.  These guys have my back!!!  They look out for me, and are willing to go the extra mile for me.  More and more I am realizing though that its not about me.  Its about honoring the deceased- their "boss".  They are honoring and protecting me because of their love for him.  I'm simply reaping the benefits.  And I have no doubt that God is going to honor them for taking good care of me.  He promised it!

"The guys" aren't the only ones who have really stepped up and been there for me. There is a family that has come through for me every time I get in a pinch with child care. This family has been a rock for me and made so many things possible: giving me the opportunity to spend every day with my sister the week before she died,  having my son waiting for me at the finish line of my first 5K race and even babysitting weekly so I can takes classes for ministry school.  They don't do it to be the super hero family, although to me they are.  They do it because of the love they have for Jesus.  And again as they honor me in this way, they are honoring the deceased.

I could continue about the Australian neighbors who make a point to invite me over for barbecues and even came over to change my flood lights that I can't reach; or the family who is taking my son under their wing so he has a male influence in his life; or the well-known business leaders who have made themselves available to me for whatever support I may need.  Whether they knew my late husband or not, every time they show this honor to me, they are honoring him.  They are honoring his memory.  They are honoring his legacy.  

I am grateful for all the people who are sensitive to the unique needs I have as a widow.  So many people walk through life, too busy to notice.  But Jesus made a point of telling the church to take care of widows and orphans.  That's me.  That's my son. And every time someone does something for us, God sees it.  And He will bless them for showing kindness to the living and the dead.