Singleness

 Every season, every experience through which we pass in life, sharpens us.  It refines and polishes.  Not one season is better than the other, each has its benefits to our lives, and each one has molded us into the person we are today.  Looking back in my season of singleness I recognized the beauty of that season.  Despite its frustrations, despite its periods of loneliness, there was a benefit to being single.  For in that time of being alone, on my own, I was able to search and discover who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.

During my season as a single I discovered a strength within myself I never knew existed.  Had I not had to reach deep within myself, this self drive, self determination and utter fight within to not just survive, but to thrive, may have laid dormant.  In life we have so many wonderful opportunities to live life with others: family, spouses, and friends, and we lean on them before leaning on ourselves.  These partners in life are a gift, and help us along the journey.  They help us recognize and overcome our own weaknesses.  And we need them.  But there is an inner drive, an inner conflict, an inner victory which no exterior person can see, grasp or conquer.

During my season as a widow, I was alone.  I was more alone than I had ever been in my life.  I had to learn to make choices I've never had to make before.  I recall the bewilderment I felt when having to select which shade of tan to paint my house. It was terrifying. I realized "I don't know how to make choice and be confident in it."  In that process I learned to stick to my gut as a realtor pressured me to invest upwards of $5,000 in granite for my house to sell it. I knew I didn't have the money, and despite her persistence and forceful nature, I dug my own feet in, and stood strong.

I grew in my authority as a boss, not having anyone but my own head to consult in what should have been the simplest business decisions.  It was a defining moment when an employee asked me if his camouflage tipped boots were appropriate for the uniform.  I remember thinking, "I don't have a clue. Ask someone else."  I wasn't a good decision maker, and I would waiver.  I was used to being under a strong authority, without freedom to pursue my own decision making process.  As the employee stood before me, I heard God speak to me from my heart "Make a decision. And stick with it."  So I did.  That moment changed me.  It was not about what decision I made, but rather gaining confidence in it.  It was a skill I had to develop to survive.

At my first half marathon!

In my singleness I developed a love for running.  I began to push myself.  I pushed through what limited me, and broke barriers I never felt possible.  In 5 months I went from not being able to run a mile, to completing my first half marathon! It was the most proud moment of my life.  It was 100% driven and accomplished by me.  No one suggested it, no one pushed me through the process, no one was there when I wanted to give up, and no one was there when I finished.  I did it for me.  There is a life skill gained through that experience that is irreplaceable.  There will be times in life when we have a dream and a vision, and those around us may not carry that same desire.  They may not understand it, they may think we are crazy, and they make try to deter us.  Our success doesn't start, or end on them, it starts and ends with us! We must find the courage within to start, the drive to continue and the perseverance to complete, and we can only find it within.

In my season as a single, I made mistakes, lots of them.  I had no one to blame but myself.  I had to face the weaknesses within, because there was no "better half" making up for them. I had to learn to compensate for them myself.  I had to gain self-control when I felt I had none. I had to be disciplined when I wanted to fall apart.  I had to admit when I was wrong, confess my faults to others, and work that much harder to overcome them.

I found the true nature of the woman we call Jenn. It was a process, letting the woman on the inside, slowly move to the woman on the outside.  I found myself a strong, confident, secure woman.  A woman who was specific about what she wanted, who found freedom to worship, a desire to serve God, and a willingness to push herself beyond the limits.  I have become a woman who is able to make decisions, even when those around me doubt.  I can hold my head up high and say we are going to do this! And inside I believe it! I have dreams, goals, visions and plans for my life.  And I know they will happen, because God has given them to me, and given me the gift of singleness to develop the drive and confidence to see them through.  Besides, if I can successfully face singleness, glean from it, and walk away stronger, I can do anything!

The word single is often defined as alone, lonely, restricted and secluded.  It can be those things if we allow it.  But I challenge you to grasp hold of the true meaning of single! Let singleness express itself fully in you.  Be exceptional, original, special, undivided, unique, unrivaled and without equal!

Main Entry:	single  [sing-guhl]  Show IPA
Part of Speech:	adjective
Definition:	alone, distinct
Synonyms:	distinguished, especial, exceptional, exclusive,individual, indivisible, isolated, lone, loner, notgeneral, not public, odd, one, only, original,particular, peerless, personal, private, rare,restricted, secluded, separate, separated,simple, singled-out, singular, sole, solitary,special, specific, strange, unalloyed, unblended,uncommon, uncompounded, undivided, unique,unitary, unmixed, unrivaled, unshared, unusual,without equal

excerpt from thesaurus.com

Just Jenn

I haven't blogged in a few months, and I am sure some of you are wondering "what is going on with Jennifer?" Some of you know I recently married, and that alone would be reason enough to take a hiatus from posting my journey and reflections of life.  In fact, my wedding, honey moon, and transitions into a new family have been a majority of the reason I have disappeared from the blogosphere.  Add into the mix a major transition in the staffing at work, along with moving 200 miles away,  and a new travel schedule for work, and yes there is very little time left for processing my thoughts through the keyboard.  But there is something more which has been underlying in my absence, hiding beneath the surface, almost undetected.

Its so easy to blame our schedule, activities and the busyness of life for hindering us from accomplishing goals.  But as I sat and and blogged last week I realized it was actually something far greater than these surface issues. As usual I blogged a new revelation I had about my healing, my grief, and my widowhood.  I got my thoughts out on the screen, and found deeper levels of understanding and peace within myself for sharing them.  I set up automatic post for the following morning and thought, "Yes! I'm back!"  However, as I lay in bed ready to fall asleep confusion set in.  I've learned that a lack of peace is easily identified by confusion.  When confusion arises, something is wrong and its time to STOP! I don't have to know what choice to make, or what to do, but rather to STOP! And thats what I did.  I logged into blogger and stopped the post.  I instantly felt better.

So what was it about this post that I couldn't publish it?  You may be wondering, is it the final secret? No, there were no secrets, no shocking truths, aside from a few raw details of my past.  What held me up was an identity confusion.  Who am I? What is my life? How do people see me? I realized that my marriage, my new family, new home town, new friends, all of it brought me a new start.  I have a second chance at life, an opportunity to redefine my life.  So often in my widowhood I wanted to just be "Jenn".  I hated being "the woman who...",  "the widow", "the single mom", and worst of all... "Jonathan's wife (insert sad look of pity here)".  I just wanted to be me, Jenn.  I wanted to be seen for who I was, not the situation I was in, or the victim of someone's illness.  Jonathan's death had brought a freedom for me, a separation from the issues, the drama.  I no longer wanted to identify with the pain, hurt and struggles.

Two years later I have processed a large amount of the pain.  I have worked through what I experienced and the trauma I went through.  I have let go of the hurt, I have released the anger, and let God remove the pain.  I was broken. Faithfully God answered my prayer to take my brokenness and make something beautiful! He made me beautiful and gave my son and I a beautiful new start at life.  I am no longer the woman I was a year ago.  I am not a widow.  I am not a victim.  I am not hurting, struggling and gasping for air.  I am whole.  I am complete.  I am content.  I walk in a daily peace I have not felt for so long I forgot what peace truly felt like.  I have met my soul mate, and I have the blessing of building a life together with him, hundreds of miles away from my past.

Now I stand in the crossroads, who I was and who I am now.  I don't want to be defined by my past. I want to glance back, with my head held high, and move forward.  And that is what stopped me from publishing the post.  I want to establish my new life, carrying the lessons learned from my past in my heart, but not being defined by them.  I want to simply be Jenn.  I'm not entirely sure what that means... but this I do know: I have the freedom to choose what I share, when I share and with whom.  I believe there is wisdom in that! I know my story, the wisdom gained from my experiences, the support I can offer to women in similar situations and the hope from the testimony of how God turned a horrifying situation around for His glory need to be shared! I will share, and I will give God glory.  But I will let God lead the timing, I will let God build and develop a new life for me, independent of where I came from, free from baggage.  And I know in His timing doors will open, and people will marvel at God's grace in my life.

But that's not today... today is a day for focusing on my future, and enjoying my present.  Today is a day for learning my role in this new family, remembering how to be a wife, and simply enjoying the newness of life.  I have a second chance, a new life, and I'm not looking back.  I'm moving forward!

My Path

I am a member of the widow club.  I joined the club almost 17 months ago.  Many of you are members too.  Its not a prestigious group by any means.  Its not a status symbol, like a country club.  And my prayer for you is that if you aren't a member, that you never will be.  Being a widow is hard.  We face things unimaginable.  We carry with us baggage that most don't ever deal with.  The paths which brought us here are wide and varied.  And the paths we take after that unforgettable moment when time stopped, are just as different.

I have met many widows since joining.  A variety of women with a variety of stories.  Widows who lost their husbands unexpectedly, in their 40s, from a heart condition they didn't know he had.  Widows who lost their husband after 25 years of marriage from a sickness.  I've met widows who have been single now for many years, and widows who met and fell in love again in just a few years.  There is not a cookie cutter path which got us here, and there is not a cookie cutter path to lead us out.

I appreciate the sisterhood of women who stand by me, and whom God has brought along my path.  But as I talk with them I continually remind myself that my path is unique.  That's not to say its better, or worse, its just different because its mine.  Before time God knew this would happen to me.  Before time He put a plan in place.  Before time He wrote my happy ending.  And He wrote yours too.

While running a race this past weekend I met a widow, in her 50s, who had been widowed for 9 years.  What she said impacted me greatly.  "I have dark days.  I still hit bottom."  Bottom...Nine years later? I was in awe.  I know a part of me will always love Jonathan.  He will always be a part of my life, as he was a part of my past.  He made me who I am today, through the good and bad times, he helped shape me.  But I don't have dark days anymore.  I don't hit bottom anymore.  Why? Why don't I struggle 17 months later the way this woman continues to struggle? Is it because of our relationship and its problems? Is it because of the freedom I found from his addictions?  Why don't I struggle?  The answer is obvious.  Its simple. Its one word, one name, above every name... Jesus!

I don't hit bottom because of Jesus.  His name is above grief.  His name is above despair.  Jesus is on my widowhood path, and He holds my hand with each step I take.  If you are walking your widow's path alone, stop.  Take Jesus' hand.  Let Him walk it with you. Let Him heal your heart.  Let Him turn your mourning into dancing.  You may have experienced a tragedy, but it need not define you.  God has a plan for you!  He's not done with you.  There is a hope, there is a new life, there is a glorious future, and its in Jesus!

Addiction

Whitney Houston died this past weekend. And all over Facebook I saw comments about her. It takes me back to my own personal loss, losing my husband at age 38 of a drug overdose. So many of the comments are those that we said about Jonathan. And many of the I have said repeatedly. 

"It was probably drugs."  Many people referenced her addictions and although at the time a cause of death had not been announced people knew.  And that's how it was with us. Those who knew Jonathan and his struggles knew, even though I didn't announce a cause of death.  I didn't have to say. 

"What a waste!" I can't tell you how many times I said that, and heard it said. When someone dies young we look at the balance of life they missed out on and it causes us to be sadder for what could have been. But when it's a needless death from an addiction, like an overdose, that loss is magnified. Jonathan could have gone on to do great things. He could have continued to raise his children. He could have continued to lead the window cleaning industry in professionalism and excellence. But he didn't. He died young. He died before he fulfilled all the plans God had for his life. It was a waste of his talent, abilities, gifts and callings. 

"In a way its a blessing." Unless you have struggled in addiction or watched a loved one suffer under it this comment seems cold and insensitive. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Addiction is bondage. It holds a person captive and destroys anything good in it's path. And anyone tied to that person is dragged along with them. When my late husband died, God continually told me two things. "he's free" and "your free".   His death freed him from his pain and torment. The chains of addiction held him down in such a way there was no escape. Death freed him. And it freed us, not only from the effects of his struggles but also the pain and torment of watching a loved one destroy themselves day by day.  Recognizing this truth does not negate your love for them. Jonathan was greatly loved. And perhaps it's that love which understands this statement most.  True love sets people free, even if it means losing them. 

"Truly an amazing artist." Last week I wrote a whole post on how someone's death effects the way in which we remember them.  It gives us an ability to look past a person's faults to see the treasure. The world did it when Michael Jackson died, and they are doing it with Whitney Houston.  I did that with Jonathan.  His funeral was an amazing memorial of the man he was, the impact he made on the window cleaning industry.  It was not a gossip fest of his issues, but rather a celebration of his life!

"Addiction is a horrible disease."  I didn't know whitney. I didn't have to. I knew Jonathan. I saw his pain. I saw his struggles. Addiction is a horrible tragedy that destroys. It takes beautiful talented people with a purpose in this life and wastes it away. Unless we have personally had an addiction, we don't truly understand.  We look at situations like Whitney, or my late husband, and we judge their choices.  We say things like, "why don't they get self control", or question why they would choose drugs when they have so much!  And we shake our head.  But the truth is addiction has a hold that those of us on the outside will never understand.  It is a disease.  And we shouldn't judge, but rather pray.  I believe nothing short of a miracle of God can truly free a person from addiction. So instead of judging something we have no business judging, let's pray for those caught in addiction, that they would experience a true freedom that only God can bring.

My heart aches for everyone who suffers under addiction. Every person who dies daily whose name is not known, whose talents have not yet been revealed to this world and now never will be, I think of them. And every family member who loves a person bound in chains, prisoner to drugs, I think of them. And my late husband, a man who suffered, but now is free, I think of him. 

Cleansing

When my late husband died, I felt this hurry and rush to get rid of his stuff.  Someone I respected greatly in my life had shared her story how God had led her family to remove all of her deceased husband's belongings from her home the day he died.  It helped her healing process immensely.  Knowing this, I thought if I want to get through this and heal I need to do the same.  So I went through his belongings and gave things away, all within the first week.  Months later I was longing for his Bible, and wishing I kept his shirts to make a blanket for my son.  It wasn't the right time for cleansing.  And I learned it the hard way.  

Now 14 months later I am downsizing.  In preparation for selling my home, and reducing my living space by almost 2/3, I am needing to clean through.  While I removed almost all of my late husband's belongings immediately, there are so many things I still have which were ours, or my personal belongings which are a symbol and memory of the life we had together.  Some of them are little things like pictures, our original towels we registered for and cards he sent.  And there are other things like the first couch we picked out, our baby grand piano which I taught my step daughter how to play, or his desk.  

As I prepare for the move, I'm throwing out, donating and selling a lot of things. I recognized that it feels really good.  I had been dreading dealing with all these things, and ultimately starting over where my possessions are concerned.  But its been healthy, and I have felt a lot of healing.  See there is a time to cleanse your past, to wash away what was, and let God begin a new work.  When God prompts you to take that step, and clean out, it will be refreshing.  It may still be hard, there may still be tears, but in the end you will feel lighter, and refreshed.  It took me 14 months to hit the place where the cleansing came and brought refreshing!  I feel lighter, excited, and ready to close that chapter of my life, in a way I wasn't aware of before.

Another important lesson I learned was that what God directs one person to do is not a formula or "the" standard.  I need to hear from God for myself, and let Him work His healing through me in the way He knows is best.  Each one of us widows is different.  We may have a common bond, and understand the hurt and pain, confusion and despair.  But our lives, our marriage, our loss of our spouse is a unique experience.  We need God to lead us through the grieving process.  There is no formula for healing.  There is no typical way that grief appears in our lives, or our children's.  Each one of us have a different story, a different experience and a different path to healing.  My prayer for you is that you would hear God's voice behind you leading you down your path.  And as you listen that you would experience His promise to you:  

To comfort all who mourn,

To console those who mourn in Zion,

³ 

To give them beauty for ashes,

The oil of joy for mourning,

The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness

Isaiah 61:2-3

Change

I'm terrified!  Its hard to admit it.  I am terrified of change.  I don't know where my life is heading, or where I am going to be in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, etc.  I am terrified that I don't have all the information to make the decisions I need to make for today.  I am terrified of not having control over my life.  Most of all I'm terrified of making a mistake.

As one who has seen her whole world shift in an instant more than once, I yearn for a normal life, a predictable life.  And dare I say, a boring life.  I have had enough excitement to last me a life time.  I just want to know where I am heading, what I will be doing and who I will be doing it with.  It doesn't seem like too much to ask.  Yet God requires us to walk by faith, trusting Him.  


I feel like I'm walking down a trail through the woods blindfolded. Yes God is holding my hands, and he's pulling and directing me.  He leads me through that still small voice.  I know He's got it all figured out and under control, yet I still wish I could take the blind fold off.  I wish I could look down the path 2 months ahead, even a year ahead.  I wish I knew where the path was taking me.  Am I walking towards a lake? A field? Exactly where am I headed?


Change is scary.  Not having control is scary.  In the moment when I was widowed my life changed. In that moment, that second when I heard those words, and saw it with my own eyes, I lost control.  Everything changed! I could no longer control my life and chose its course.  The path I was headed down came to a dead end, and I couldn't see a clear trail leading any direction.  My emotional capacity changed.  My parenting changed.  My lifestyle changed.  My pain changed.  My story changed.  Everything! My career, my dreams, my focus, all changed in that one moment.  I no longer had control over any of it.

So even though I stand at the top of this trail thats leading me somewhere wonderful, I'm terrified. I'm walking cautiously, testing the ground as I go. I know that there is a greater life than the one I had and the one I am in now, but I am still scared of it.  I don't want to miss my turn on the path.  I don't want to stumble over a tree root I could have avoided.  I don't want to get to the bottom of this trail and realize I missed the journey because I was too focused on the destination.  I'm afraid to leave the meadow, because I am comfortable here.  And taking this path, into the unknown, is not comfortable.


It takes trust. It takes faith.  I feel like Ruth in this moment.  She had lost it all, and was ready to walk away from everything she knew to be with her mother in law, Naomi.  Despite Naomi's pleadings to Ruth to return to her own home, Ruth was determined to follow her.  

"For wherever you go, I will go;  And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; 

Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God." Ruth 1:16

I am sure Ruth was scared.  She was leaving her country and all she had ever known.  She must have been terrified just like I feel today.  But she walked the path anyway.  And God blessed her.  God sent a redeemer kinsman, and her whole life changed again, this time for the better. Thats the hope I cling to.  I am scared, I am afraid of change, and I'm not in control.  But the God of Ruth is my God.  And even though its change and its scary, its for the better!

"¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

A Whole New Fear

Last weekend I drove for the first time this winter through snow covered roads.  And I realized something changed.  Something happened to me the day I became a widow, and I didn't recognize it until a year later. I felt it that day driving home, and it reminded me of the first time I felt it when I left Gabriel for the half marathon last fall... My mortality.  It seems when I travel away from my son I am much more aware of the fact that I am all he has, and if something happens to me, he will have nothing.  And in that moment I am covered with fear.

So I drove for 2 hours down I-75, on snow covered roads.  I drove slow, but ever mindful of how steep the hill was on the other side of the shoulder.  "Yup that's steep enough that I would die," or "if I slid off the road here I might flip, or roll."  What a horror to drive down the road morbidly aware of every danger that could end your life and rob your son of his only parent.  Its fear.  And its no way to live.

I prayed as I drove, and took authority over the fear, but still it lingered.  "Fear you must go! God hasn't given me a spirit of fear in Jesus' name."  But it continued.  It was overwhelming.  Then I recalled the movie I watched the night before, how the man was instructed to envision the golf shot before ever attempting it. Once he envisioned it, and took the swing, he made the shot just like he saw in his mind.  I realized I was doing this.  All my visions of my van driving off the road, over the edge of a steep hill, was envisioning a crash.  I had to stop. And I had to stop immediately.

I was stressed, I was full of fear, I was anxious.  I knew I needed a break.  So once I approached the outlet mall, I took an hour for retail therapy.  Not only was it a successful session: I was calm and relaxed, but the hour made the road conditions much more favorable.  So I continued my trip home, and was thrilled to make it there safely and into my son's arms.

Today's post has no great lesson, no secret to overcoming.  It is simply my realization of how losing a spouse can impact your life, create fear, and put you in bondage.  For me its a battle with fear to take a trip apart from my son.  I'm learning to put my trust in God that He will protect me.  And I'm realizing that maybe I'm not ready to drive in snow so far from home.  I know God created me to live in freedom.  I know I don't have to be afraid of not being there for my boy as he grows.  I know I have to find God's promises on fear, and say them, read them and pray them.  The fear I felt last week was heart wrenching and I am believing God to break me free from its power.

Inspiration

I hear it over and over: Jenn, you are an inspiration.  On the surface its a really amazing statement to have said about you, that's for sure.  But underneath there is a longing in my heart.  I don't want to be anyone's inspiration.  I just want to be a normal girl, with a normal life.  I would much rather have a happy ending then have lived through the hell I have and be an inspiration.  However that isn't a choice I have had.

Don't get me wrong, its not that I don't want to tell my story and encourage others, because I do.  It's not that I don't want to be used by God, because I want that more than anything else.  It just seems the price I paid to inspire others was more costly than I would have liked.  I think any woman would chose a seemingly blessed and peaceful life and be off the radar, than to live through the horrible situations I have, and receive people's admiration.

The pain and the hurt, however, was my path.  And since I have walked it, I am glad my story inspires you.  Maybe you find strength to walk out your own widowhood.  Perhaps you are a woman who has experienced a different type of loss or pain, and find my life an inspiration to start blogging your story.  You could even be a woman whose life in general is neat and orderly without significant drama and pain, and my story inspires you about God's faithfulness even when things are hard.  I appreciate that opportunity to impact your life, and don't take it lightly.

Truly though, I am no one special. I am just a woman who loves Jesus.  A woman who found herself in the most painful challenges in which a wife could be.  I'm just a girl who learned how to trust God to carry her through the small trials, so when the big ones came I knew the source to get me through.  I'm an empty vessel who lets God move through her to touch the world.  So when people say I'm an inspiration, I'm grateful, but I'm humbled.  Its not me that you see.  It's my faith, my Jesus who promised me "all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose," Romans 8:28.

I Never Thought

I would have to say with out a doubt the hardest part of my widowhood is single parenting.  I have a wonderful little almost 4 year old boy.  He is cute, adorable, full of love, but every ounce of age 4 and boy!  While he is my greatest joy, he is also my greatest challenge.

One of the biggest struggles I have had in parenting this past year is understanding the balance between correction and grace.  See I am a person who does everything by the book.  Every action has a clear cut response.  There is a proper way to handle situations.  This was how I parented up until Nov. 24, 2010.  But on that day when "daddy" died, the rule book changed.  All of a sudden there is no magical formula.  The boy who once would lay in bed for over an hour and fall asleep on his own disappeared.  The solutions I once had to solve his behaviors no longer work.  Everyone has their opinions and their advice, a rule book of their own.  But what they don't understand is the rule book doesn't work anymore.  What worked last week, may not work tonight.

Then add in grief.  I'm a healthy adult. I have a strong relationship with the Lord.  I have even gone through some counseling.  Yet I am still grieving.  I am still processing. I am still healing.  With all the coping mechanisms I have in place, I still get overwhelmed, overloaded, and my emotional capacity reduced.  Now picture a 4 year old:  no coping skills, no counseling, no processing, no relationship with the Lord.  No wonder he acts out from time to time.  No wonder he runs and hides.  No wonder he doesn't want to be alone in bed.

Here comes the balance.  How do I know if my son's behaviors are acting out in defiance, or acting out in grief?  And how do I respond?  I want to comfort grief, and discipline defiance, but the lines are not that clear.  There really is no way for me to know.  So I trust in God to lead me.  His Spirit inside of me, guides me when to be gentle and when to be firm.  I'm not saying I always get it right, because I don't.  But I am in a process, and I feel the longer I walk in it, the better at parenting this grieving boy I become.

I never thought I would lay in bed with my son at night to help him fall asleep... but I do.  I never thought I would let him crawl in bed with me in the middle of the night each night... but he does.  I never thought I would be that mom who counts to 3 to get her son to listen... but it works.  I never thought I would be that mom who puts that cute puppy back pack on her son while on a trip.... you know the one with the really long tail that just happens to have a handle?  My heart is to take the best care of my son, and if it means throwing out the rule book, looking away from other's opinions and judgements, and letting that still small voice of God lead me in handling my son, I will do it.

The Secret

I carried a secret.  I couldn't tell people. No one could know.  My husband had addiction issues, and it was our family secret.  We put on our smiles and went to church each Sunday, and no one knew.  We visited his family twice a year and pretended everything was fine, and they never knew.

People only know what you tell them.  They may observe or sense that something is off, but in the end its still a secret.  And it eats at you.  Even though the issues weren't mine, I carried the shame and embarrassment.  I felt people would look at me differently if they knew how messed up our home had become.  I wondered if they would question my integrity and morals because of his integrity breaches and moral failures.  So I kept a secret from as many people as possible.  And I had to.  He was my husband and I couldn't publicly air his dirty laundry. I had to honor him, and protect him. After all, love covers a multitude of sins.  Or at least that was what I told myself.

A select handful of people knew, and I'm grateful that I had the courage to tell them. Because I needed help.  I needed support.  I needed encouragement.  I needed prayers.  The weight of that secret could have torn me apart without my friends knowing.  When my heart was broken, I was frustrated, or I didn't think I could handle one more thing happening, they were there.  They kept me from falling apart.  They carried some of the weight.  But they were the only ones that understood the intensity of the issues tearing our lives apart.

On the day he died of a drug overdose, I had a secret.  The secret killed him, but how could I share it now?  Was I ready? How do I air his dirty laundry at the funeral meant to honor his life? How do I explain to his parents that he died when they had no idea how sick he was.  And then there is my step daughter.  What would life be like for her, if everyone knew the truth of how he died?  Its hard enough for her to stand in the funeral home, staring at pictures of a life she can never again have, glancing across the room at the shell of what once was her hero; but to know everyone knew the secret? I couldn't do it.  Personally, I wasn't ready.  I carried the shame of his addiction.  I felt "guilty by association."  

So I didn't say.  I can imagine the confusion people must have had. The questions of how a young 38 year old husband and father could now be lying in a casket.  But I did what was right for my family.  I wanted to honor Jonathan.  His addictions may have killed him, but I would not let them define him.  I wanted my daughter to be free to grieve and deal with the loss without being concerned about people talking bad about her dad.  And I needed time to process.  I needed to process what had just happened, what we just lived through, and gain strength to share what was secret for so long.

And even though I didn't have the issues, I always felt that people would judge me for his actions.  If he was addicted to drugs and alcohol wouldn't I have been involved? Perhaps they would even judge the kind of wife I was, because of his problems. When they asked what happened at the funeral home, I simply said, "We don't have all the answers yet, the autopsy report hasn't come back yet."  And that was true.  Of course several government agencies needed the actual cause of death, and as I told them, I felt this need to say, "But I don't live my life that way."

Isn't it sad that I would feel the shame, even though the actions weren't mine? It seems ironic but thats what happens.  As wives, as mothers, we feel a need to protect.  I still feel the weight of the secret, even though I'm much more open about sharing what happened. I have had time to process, and I know that someone out there needs to hear my story, so they can make it through theirs.  I'm careful who I share with, and what I share.  But I've learned that secrets destroy.  I can not cover up his sins, his addictions, and his issues any longer.  But even as I share, I can honor him, and his memory.  I can help women find strength.  I can be free!  

A secret is bondage.  It ties you to the very thing you most want to be free of.  There is power in sharing and reaching out.  The power comes from exposing the secret.  What secrets are you carrying today? I encourage you, find a safe person to share them.  Don't carry that weight, to take on another person's burden.  Speak it out and find freedom.  I have.

Beautiful

There is a song that carried me through some of the hardest times I have faced.  It reminded me who I am, what I am worth, and that even though life is hard now, it is not what God has destined me for.  I would like to share it with you, before you read today's blog.

Click Here to Listen to Beautiful by Mercy ME

Its amazing how a song can move you, touch you, bring you strength or healing.  This song did all of that for me.  I was hurting, I was broken.  I believed the lies that all my dreams would never come true, and I had resigned myself to a life full of sorrow and heart break.  But God had something so much greater for me.  And He needed me to believe it and see it, even if only in my mind, before it could ever happen.  

One morning I remember getting in the car and saying, God I can't do this anymore.  I am so confused.  I need to hear from you a confirmation that the steps I am taking are the ones you want me to take.  I started my car and this song played.  It wasn't one I had heard many times before, maybe just once.  And to be honest in the season I needed it, it was seldom on the radio.  But each time I heard, it was at the exact moment I was questioning or doubting.  In the times when I was wondering if my life was ever gonna turn around, there God was singing to me through the radio saying:

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You are made for so much more than all of this.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You are sacred, you are treasured, you are His.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

I  needed a reminder that even though life was challenging, hard and painful, that God had a plan.  He saw me as precious, even when my husband didn't.  He knew my worth, when I was so beat up by life, that I couldn't see it.  

I don't know you, or your situation. Maybe like me you are a widow.  Maybe you are facing a divorce like I was.  Maybe you sit in bed crying at night just wanting your husband to love you, want you, or even talk to you.  Perhaps your the woman who carries the family secret of your husbands addictions, affairs, or suicidal threats.  I may not know you, but I know our God! And I know that you are made for SO MUCH MORE than all of that.  I know that He loves you more than anything.  I know that, like He did for me, He will give you strength.  He will help you to rediscover your worth.  He will show you that your situation does not define you!  He will help you to truly believe with all your heart that you are beautiful!

Year of Favor

To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, 

And the day of vengeance of our God;

       To comfort all who mourn,       

 To console those who mourn in Zion,       

To give them beauty for ashes,       

The oil of joy for mourning,       

The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;       

That they may be called trees of righteousness,       

The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:2-3

2012 is upon us.  And with it comes hope.  Hope of healing, hope of a new beginning, hope of seeing God's promises fulfilled.  For the past week I've been stewing over these verses.  In 2011 I mourned.  I not only mourned the loss of my husband, but I lost my closest sister.  Yet God promises me that the acceptable year of the Lord is upon us!  Jesus declared this promise, as He quoted Isaiah 61:1-2, saying "today is this scripture fulfilled!"


So as I read this, I understand that Jesus has already made it a reality.  The acceptable year of the Lord has come for me, a mourner.  The acceptable year means the year of God's favor, desires, and plans coming to pass in my life.  I could use some of that right now, how about you?


When God singles out a particular group to give a promise too, its important.  And its exciting when I qualify for that group.  He declares that He is the comforter of those who mourn, which would be an amazing fact all on its own.  In 2011, God has brought me comfort, but as the year of His favor and desire approaches in my life, I expect to see the rest of this promise fulfilled!  To give me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. 

 I have been walking around covered in ashes, the residue of my past covering the beauty of what lies ahead.  I have been mourning.  I've experienced bouts of situational depression, and unable to see the joy in the midst of my current situation.  And the spirit of heaviness has weighed on my heart.  I've carried worries and fears: will I ever move on, how can I raise a son alone, is there a man of God out there for me, and will my son ever know a father's love again?


But 2012 is coming! And it will be the year of God's desire and favor in my life.  His plan, His desire for me is to comfort me.  He is removing the ashes, and let the beauty of who I have become shine forth.  He is pouring the oil of joy over me, pushing away the pain of mourning and depression.  And He is taking away the heaviness of the burdens, questions and fears that I have carried, and replacing it with praise!  I can hear those thoughts, but confidently turn to God and praise Him knowing He has it all under control and is taking good care of me!

God has the best exchange policy! He does not require me to "do" anything.  I don't have to wash the ashes off, or pour joy on myself.  He takes the dirty, depressed, and discouraged, and replaces it with beauty, joy, and praise.  No questions asked. No requirements to be met.  


I'm welcoming 2012 with excitement.  This will be the acceptable year of the Lord for me.  I'm going to give Him everything and watch Him turn it around for good!

Shaken

Like me, I am sure you can pinpoint the exact moment your world came crashing down.  For me it happened long before that unforgettable call from the hospital.  Its been almost 3 years now, and I have as many questions today as I did then.  Why did this happen? Did I miss God? Would I do it different if I could? Why me? What if, what if, what if?  The reality is my world was shaken. 


Through it all: all my questions, my doubts, my heart break, I've known that God is faithful.  And I've understood that the more I lean on Him, the better off I will be.  Proverbs 18:10, says "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and are safe."  I need that tower.  I need that protection.  I need that stability.  I need to know that even though almost every part of my life has changed in the blink of an eye, God doesn't.  He won't.


When we put our complete and total trust in Him, we can walk through hard times, desperate times, broken times, knowing that He is our shelter.  


“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”  Matthew 7:24-27

I love this parable, because of what it says to me! See, the storm came to both people.  Just because we are facing a hard situation doesn't mean we made a mistake, we missed God, or we are in sin.  Sometimes its just life.  The storm hit both the people who did God's word, and those who didn't.  As Christians we need to stop placing blame, or searching for why this happened.  Storms come, welcome to a fallen world! But thank God we can survive.  Our house, or life, can fall apart without taking us down with it.  The secret is to put our foundation, our trust, our hope in Jesus.  And to do His Word.  When He says praise Him at all times, we are building a house on the rock. When He says trust Him with all our hearts, we are building a house on the rock.


God's not moved by the storm that destroyed our house.  The rock wasn't effected.  It couldn't be swept away, and anything clinging to that rock, or finding refuge inside was protected. God knew this storm would come.  He's not surprised. He's not shaken, nor can He be.  So find refuge in Him.  Seek shelter from the rain, wind and waves, inside His wings.  

When I am in the valley of the shadow of death

You're not shaken, you're not shaken

You're right here beside me, and you have never left

You're not shaken, you're not shaken

When every little thing, that I had dreamed would be

just slips away like water through my hands

And when it seems the walls of my beliefs 

come crashing down like they're all made of sand

I won't let go of you now because I know

You're not shaken.

Your Not Shaken, Phil Stacey

Listen to the song: Your Not Shaken

Are You Ready?

I'm one of those people who feels like I have to earn everything.  When it comes to God's blessings I always feel like I have to work for them.  For example, years ago before I started dating my late husband, I remember needing to scrub the kitchen floor and I really didn't want to. But I had this conversation with myself: "How can God send your husband if you won't take care of this floor?"

It seemed to make sense.  How could I expect God to bless me with a husband, if I couldn't even keep my floor clean?  But that isn't how God works.  God doesn't expect us to reach a certain level, or obtain a certain status so that He can bless us.  God doesn't say to us, "Clean up your life so you are worthy of my son.  Then He will save you."  NO! He is exactly the opposite. He sees us as sinners, who don't even recognize His goodness, or even see the reality of Jesus as our Savior.  And in that state, our worst state ever, He sent Jesus to save us.  And all we need to do is believe that Jesus is His Son, and we are saved.  No works involved.  Nothing to earn, nothing to prove.

I'm reminding myself of all of this, because once again I'm struggling with my own need for perfection.  On Christmas Eve, my late husbands step-dad (of 22 years), turned to me and said in seriousness and compassion, "You need to find yourself someone.  That's how your gonna move on. Start a new life."  Tears rolled down my face as he spoke.  I felt such a freedom, and a sincere love from him.  And the truth is I think about finding someone often.  I have started to put myself out there, as much as a single stay at home mom can.  And this is what brings me to my internal struggle of earning God's gifts.

If you've been following me for any amount of time you know what a roller coaster I've been on.  The ups and downs of grief, and the loop the loops of single parenting have me screaming, holding on for dear life, and even ready to barf at times.  How can I even consider bringing a man in on all of that?  I had this thought so often, and heard it from so many, "You can't move on until your healed."

The more and more I think about being healed, and waiting to move on until my healing is complete the less sense it makes.  Is there a certain event that passes, and its your marker stating the grief has ended.  Is there a long enough amount of time that can heal the unexpected loss of your 38 year old husband.  More and more I have come to realize that healing is a process.  And a hurt as deep as becoming a widow, is not one that heals easy as paper cut.  In fact, I'm not sure I will ever be completely healed from what I have been through.  And if God requires me to be completely healed and 100% emotionally repaired, I don't think I will ever have a new relationship.

I believe its not about being healed, but rather being ready.  Its okay to move on and still be walking through grief.  In reality I am sure grief will visit us for the rest of our lives.  On my step daughter's graduation day.  When my son plays his first baseball game.  When our children get married.  And of course the first time I see our grandkids.  Grief will be there.  The question then becomes are you ready to move on? Am I ready?

I personally am not entirely sure if I am ready.  And its something that only I can know.  In the last year I had influential friends and even pastors telling me to move on quickly, and I got in a relationship way too early.  I wasn't ready, I hadn't even grieved.  But I listened to what other's told me.  And it was a mistake. I can see that now.  From that I learned to listen to my heart, and listen to God, not to others.

Sometimes you don't know if your ready to walk until you stand up and try.  And if I take a step and crash to the ground, I'll know to sit back on the couch and rest up a bit more.  But if I take that small step, and I don't fall, then I'll know I'm ready.  The glorious future God has promised me and my son is just up the path.  I don't have to be healed to get on that path, or to even walk down it.  I don't have to have every part of my life functioning in perfect order.  I just have to be ready. Ready to follow God when He says "take my hand Jenn, come and see what I have waiting for you!"

Being Thought Of

There is something powerful about knowing people are thinking of you. It makes hard days easier, and good days better.  And this year, it made Christmas wonderful.

I woke up Christmas morning to several Merry Christmas texts on my phone. And they just kept coming all day!  I can't describe in words what those simple text messages did to me.  But I can say that they gave me strength.  They comforted my heart.  They let me know that even though I felt alone, I knew I wasn't!

My son and I had a wonderful Christmas.  It started with our normal Christmas Eve-eve sleepover with my step daughter.  She then spent most of Christmas Eve day with us.  We missed this time with her last year, and to me that was the best gift of all.  We had a very nice visit with my in-laws that afternoon as well.  On Christmas day we joined another single mom and her house for the afternoon, where the kids were able to play, and us moms were able to chat.  And for the evening, we went to my step daughter's house.  Her family welcomed us in, and made sure we knew that even though its a weird situation we are all connected, we are a family.

I was nervous to face Christmas day with out my late husband.  I was worried I would be all alone.  I was sure everyone would forget about me and the struggle I was facing that day.   But I was wrong!  Christmas was wonderful! It was a time of reconciliation, memories, and support.  Even though my family was far away, I still felt their love. And most importantly I spent it with my kids.  And that is what Christmas is about!

Where are you Christmas?

"Where are you Christmas?

Why can't I find you?

Why have you gone away?

Where is the laughter

You used to bring me?

Why can't I hear music play?

My world is changing,

I'm rearranging.

Does that mean Christmas

changes too?"

-Faith Hill, Where are you Christmas

I can't put it any better than this.  While this isn't technically the first Christmas after my late husband's passing, I consider it the first one.  Last year we were in such a fog, just 4 weeks before he left us, and we were going through the motions.  But this year, I've had to face the entire Christmas season on my own. 

 I have always loved Christmas, the lights, the decorating, Christmas music, and of course the presents!  And this year I have been stepping out in faith and going through the motions of Christmas.  Its been different, its been hard.  Yes my life has changed and so has Christmas.  While the changes feel awkward and strange, I know that in time they will become the new normal.  

I'm facing Christmas this year in hope, and with a saddened but grateful heart.  I'm thankful for all the wonderful family Christmases we have shared in the past.  Remembering the Christmas we went to church in our jammies and slippers, because our Christmas tradition was to stay in our pajamas all day.  I'm remembering how excited he would get opening pounds and pounds of beef jerky.  I'm remembering all the Christmas movies we would watch, and how he would always say, "I want to be George Bailey."  

I choosing to have hope this holiday season.  Hope that my heart, and my family are healing.  Hope that we can find Christmas and enjoy it once again.  This hope is evident in the fact that my 15 year old step daughter is coming this year! It has always been tradition for her to wake up at our house on Christmas Eve and open presents.  Last year she just couldn't do it.  But this year she's rejoining us!  I'm so excited to share Christmas with her.  Together the three of us are forging a new road.  And somehow knowing that Jonathan can look down from Heaven and see us brings me such an amazing comfort.  I know that as we wake up and open presents, he will be with us.

So my friends, from the bottom of my heart I wish you a Merry Christmas.  May you once again find Christmas this year.

Click here to watch the video: Where are you Christmas?

The Moment

I have a question for you widows who have gone before me.  At what point do I stop having the moment? You know, your thinking about life as it used to be, or you think of your husband, and the reality hits you.  He's really gone. He's not coming back.  This is real.  In that moment life stops.  And you wonder if you've been living in a nightmare.  Reality strikes you, and its as if you'd never thought it before.  "He is really dead."  

Its been over a year and it seems odd to keep having these moments.  I was thinking about Jonathan, and how he only lived to be 38.  What a short life. What a waste of a life that could have been.  I was equating his age at death, to my age.  I'm almost 35.  What a shame it would be to end life so young and so early.  And thats when the moment came.  Its real.  It really happened.  He died and is now in heaven. And this Christmas season my heart is sad.  I'm missing him.  I wish our life together didn't end this way.  I wish we could have experienced that happily ever after I kept hoping for.  But it didn't happen.

As much as I've been sad and missing him, I have also been so mindful of his eternal life in Heaven.  I'm so aware now, that while we aren't experiencing life with him, he isn't missing out on our lives.  He knows, he sees, he hears.  And I look forward to the day when I will be reunited with him in Heaven.  

For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord.  1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

I find such comfort in these words.  I know that whether it be at the end of my life, or at Jesus' return that I will be with Jonathan again.