A Girl on Her Own

I'm not really a blogger. In fact I don't even follow any blogs, and I'm not quite sure how this whole blogging thing works. But here I am, just another odd piece of my new adventure. Part of the reason I'm starting to blog is for healing for me, processing the events of my life, the frustrations of being a single mom/widow, and to get the revelations God is showing me written out. The other reason is for you- who ever you may be that comes across this blog. I have walked through some very painful things, some very unique things. Perhaps you are walking through some of them too. I believe that God will use my story to help you. That through my openness you will find the strength, the hope, the courage and the faith to make it through and come out on top! That you will discover even though life happens, God is still God and He is still good!

Here's my story in a nutshell: I am a 34 year old widow, single mother of a 3 1/2 year old boy. Almost 10 months ago my husband unexpectedly died. And here I am, life changed in an instant, walking out each day in faith, learning valuable lessons I wish someone could have shared with me! To catch you up on details of the last 10 months of my journey, or even the past 3 1/2 years of my journey would be overwhelming. I am just going to start with today, here, where I am right at this moment and fill you in on my story as we go along...

Two months ago I started running. I have some weight I'd like to lose and walking wasn't doing it. So at the advice of a friend I began to run. I had no idea what it would do for me, not only do I physically feel better and look better, but there is this great psychological component which is so needed when life has a way of dumping all it's worst on you. I discovered I could push myself, set a goal and force my body to do something it doesn't want to. I could be in control and decide when we stop! When I hit a new speed, or increase my distance I feel like a conqueror. I feel like I can take on anything that comes my way. A nice feeling after having your life completely altered in an instant- beyond your control.

So now I'm up to 3 miles and tomorrow morning is my first race! I'm so excited about accomplishing this once impossible goal. But here's the catch: despite my openness and invitations to come out and support me- NO ONE IS! Now hear my heart, I am in no way complaining here. The point is I have this great life accomplishment happening, and no one to share it with. Typical widow moment. There is this song I return to often by Taylor Swift called A Place in this World. It's my widow theme song! The chorus says: "I'm alone, on my own. And it's all I know. I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on. I'm just a girl... Trying to find my place in this world". And that is exactly how I feel tonight. Alone. On my own. Sadly though after 10 months this feeling is becoming the norm. I've faced so many things alone now: preschool parent night, a court hearing, dinner and a movie... you get the point.

It's hard to go through life without someone cheering for you at the finish line of your first 5k! But in this I've realized two things. The first is that this is a special time in my life where I can be on my own. It's not often in life that I can just go out for a evening by myself, enjoy dinner and a movie alone and be completely comfortable and confident. It's okay to have things we do alone and to find the personal satisfaction that comes from it. The second thing is that I'm not really alone. Jesus said He would never leave us or forsake us.
He promised to be my husband (Isaiah 54:5). And in this season He is sharing these successes with me. He is my strength, the one I lean on in the difficult moments. I am so good at relying on people, and pleasing people. Yet being alone, on my own, it forces me to look within, be my own motivation and rely on God!