Sprinting a Marathon

Have you ever set out to do something and then realize that the intensity and pace at which you are moving there is no way you will ever keep going?  That's been my life, at least the last 10 months since being a widow, single mom, and every other hat I have been thrown into wearing.  I didn't choose this life, this path, or this road, but I here I am.  And its not a 5K, its a marathon! Its long, its intense, its hard.  I find myself asking, "is this ever gonna end?"  I have moments of endurance, and moments of overwhelming desire to quit and walk away.  I already have the t-shirt from when I check in, do I really need the medal from the finish line?

As I was running today I learned a valuable life lesson; one that I hope will help me to avoid future earthquakes, and gave me a much greater understanding of myself and the process my soul is in as it heals from tragedy.  I've been running now for over 3 months, and I'm making amazing progress.  Starting at just 1 mile, I am now up to 5 miles for long runs, and 4 miles (pushing the stroller) for short runs.  Today was a scheduled easy day: 2 miles.  Piece of cake! 2 miles with the stroller is nothing compared to the distance runs I've grown accustomed to.  So I made a very well intentioned, seemingly wise decision: push myself hard on this 2 mile run!  I was not going to run the 14-15 mile pace I have been on stroller and long runs.  I am stronger than before, I've done much harder things, and I am ready! So I ran at under just under a 12 minute pace- with the stroller.  [Note: for you non-runners that means I'm running 1 mile in just under 12 minutes.]

I started off with gusto! And by .5 miles, I knew I was in trouble.  The pace was hard, strenuous, and I was already winded.  It became obvious I was not going to make it to the 2 mile mark at this pace.  Immediately I adjusted my goal- push hard to the 1 mile mark.  I'm pleased to say I did this, but I was beat. I was winded.  My legs felt like lead.  I walked for almost .2 of a mile just to recover.  When it became time to run again, my energy was spent.  I wasn't looking forward to running, and it felt physically difficult to run.  Even though I lowered my pace to around 13 minutes, I didn't have the stamina to finish the second mile.  Even with another walk break, it took everything in me to finish.

Now 2 days ago I ran 4 miles, pushing the stroller. I felt great, I could speak comfortably and could have run further.  I enjoyed that run, and felt accomplished when I was done.  But today- not so.  I did not enjoy this run.  I found it very difficult and I regretted how I approached it.  When I was done I felt beat up, sore, and a little defeated.  What happened?  I became over confident.  I felt I was ready to handle something I was not.  I pushed myself beyond my limits.  I was unrealistic in my expectations and goals.

This is a picture of my life.  I have made so much progress in my emotional healing, in adjusting to my new life, and conquering the new demands placed on me- that I go ahead and push myself just a little bit further.  And I find myself sprinting the marathon!  I have to stop running, and walk to regain my strength.  I feel defeated and weak.  My soul hurts from the extra push it has been exposed to.  And when I do gather my strength to get back up and run- its just a little further down the path that I find myself walking again.  Why? I've exerted all my emotional strength in the first mile, and have little to nothing left to finish the race.

Another life lesson learned on the trail.  As I was pushing myself to finish that last half mile run, I knew this was what I had been doing in my personal life.  Sometimes it happens intentionally, I truly think that I am ready to take on more, and then when I do I find myself out of breath and struggling just to catch it.  At other times its accidental.  I don't even realize that I've pushed myself beyond my capacity... until I can't run any further.  I stop and walk and realize what I have done.  Maybe the pace was adjusted by adding meaningful activities to my schedule, attending extra church meetings, or adding social opportunities.  It may even be necessities: working extra days, or parenting.  Other people, often well meaning, can set expectations on me that bump up the speed at which I am running.  But whatever the cause, it has pushed me to run at a pace I can't possibly maintain.  Not now. Not at this point in my training.

Being on this marathon, I've learned to watch, to be diligent, and learn to say "no."  Several months into it I felt God closing a lot of doors.  He took me out of every activity I was involved in.  He knew I had 26 miles to run, and if I kept running at the pace I was, I was going to keel over on the sidelines along the way.  I've found I have to stand up and defend my pace from time to time.  People put expectations on me that I can't possibly fulfill.  They are well intentioned but they don't understand the balance of running the "widow's marathon".   Its easy to talk and sing while walking down the street.  But while running a marathon those simple everyday tasks are much more difficult.   And they effect if I cross the finish line or not.  I try to use my life like a runner uses a running watch.  The watch tells me how far I've run, the pace I'm running at, and my heart rate.  As long as I take time to look at the watch, I will know all the information and can make the right decision.  By knowing my pace, and how far I have left to run, I can adjust myself accordingly.  I am determined to finish this race. And to finish it steady and strong!

Facing the 5k

I did it!  I ran a 5k this morning! One of my first, completely my idea, did it 100% for me, accomplishments as a widow. And I have to say that I feel like I could take on the world.  Amazing what working hard towards a simple 3 mile goal can do. And in case you are wondering on my time, I ran 36:19.  My very first personal record, cutting 3 minutes off my treadmill training time.

While my accomplishment today is monumental for me.  There is so much more to it than just running my butt off!  There are a few very valuable lessons I learned today that I want to share.

The gun went off and after running two short streets, and making a couple turns, I quickly realized the path we were going on.  Hills, lots of hills, steep hills.  Oh no! I have been running on my treadmill for 2 months (at zero incline nonetheless) and this race was meant to be the victory for that feat.  It was not supposed to be a challenge.  I was nervous enough about running on the actual pavement, without my fan blowing in my face.  It was a step of faith to be running in public- with people around who are likely so much faster than me.  But HILLS? Really?!?

I looked ahead of me, and kept a steady pace.  I determined I would stay strong up each hill, not wavering in my pace: steady and strong.  My new goal had shifted from ending the race to making it up this hill without walking!  People ran past me, but still I went, steady and strong.  And all the while hoping that at the top of the hill I would find our course adjusting away from this hilly road. So I made it to the top of the first hill, only to find another hill just a little further along the path.  In fact this course took me up and down several hills, perhaps 5 of them.  I am proud to say I didn't walk any of them. I stayed steady and strong, conquering each hill as it came.  I didn't think about any of the hills ahead, just the hill I was on, and navigating over it to the other side.  The first 2 miles continued like this, hill after hill, separated by a few down hill breaks.  It was such a relief when I discovered the last leg of the race was flat!

 So I conquered the hills, and I did it faster than the flat 3 miles I had run several times before.  Could it be that the presence of the hills, the challenge I faced actually caused me to perform better?  Could it be that seeing others around me navigating the hills with ease, or even walking them, encouraged me that I too could do this?  I believe this is how it is with life.

 I've had a hard few years, and I kept calling the events that happened "Bumps in the road".  But today I realize they were more than bumps- they were hills.  Hills that I didn't anticipate having to climb, but I turned the corner in life and there they were.  I really didn't have much of a choice, I had committed to this race, determined I was going to do it, and my goals had to shift. No longer were my goals about material things, or great accomplishments in life.  My goal was to make it over the hill, not even knowing if the other side held more hills, or a flat steady trail.

The 2 1/2 years leading up to and including my husband's death were the like the start of this race, hill after hill after hill.  He was struggling in his personal life, which led to struggles in every area of our life, marriage included.  And yet I made it through.  I conquered each hill, strong and steady.  I did it with determination, with faith; knowing my God was enough to carry me through it all, and I did it with support- God sending the right people at the right time.  Sometimes all I needed was the right verse in the Bible to get me through.

I've run through the hills, and here I am finishing this part of my journey on a flat path.  The absence of hills makes it seem easier, but I'm worn and tired from the difficulties I faced up to this point.  I am still trudging along, strong and steady, using the same resources which helped me make it this far.  And now I can see the finish line!  I push a little harder, because I know I've made it. I push a little harder because those hills have actually raised my endurance and made me stronger.  I push a little harder because there is something wonderful waiting for me at the finish line.  It's my three year old son.  He's standing up, waiting for me to take him by the hand, so we can race together.

A Girl on Her Own

I'm not really a blogger. In fact I don't even follow any blogs, and I'm not quite sure how this whole blogging thing works. But here I am, just another odd piece of my new adventure. Part of the reason I'm starting to blog is for healing for me, processing the events of my life, the frustrations of being a single mom/widow, and to get the revelations God is showing me written out. The other reason is for you- who ever you may be that comes across this blog. I have walked through some very painful things, some very unique things. Perhaps you are walking through some of them too. I believe that God will use my story to help you. That through my openness you will find the strength, the hope, the courage and the faith to make it through and come out on top! That you will discover even though life happens, God is still God and He is still good!

Here's my story in a nutshell: I am a 34 year old widow, single mother of a 3 1/2 year old boy. Almost 10 months ago my husband unexpectedly died. And here I am, life changed in an instant, walking out each day in faith, learning valuable lessons I wish someone could have shared with me! To catch you up on details of the last 10 months of my journey, or even the past 3 1/2 years of my journey would be overwhelming. I am just going to start with today, here, where I am right at this moment and fill you in on my story as we go along...

Two months ago I started running. I have some weight I'd like to lose and walking wasn't doing it. So at the advice of a friend I began to run. I had no idea what it would do for me, not only do I physically feel better and look better, but there is this great psychological component which is so needed when life has a way of dumping all it's worst on you. I discovered I could push myself, set a goal and force my body to do something it doesn't want to. I could be in control and decide when we stop! When I hit a new speed, or increase my distance I feel like a conqueror. I feel like I can take on anything that comes my way. A nice feeling after having your life completely altered in an instant- beyond your control.

So now I'm up to 3 miles and tomorrow morning is my first race! I'm so excited about accomplishing this once impossible goal. But here's the catch: despite my openness and invitations to come out and support me- NO ONE IS! Now hear my heart, I am in no way complaining here. The point is I have this great life accomplishment happening, and no one to share it with. Typical widow moment. There is this song I return to often by Taylor Swift called A Place in this World. It's my widow theme song! The chorus says: "I'm alone, on my own. And it's all I know. I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on. I'm just a girl... Trying to find my place in this world". And that is exactly how I feel tonight. Alone. On my own. Sadly though after 10 months this feeling is becoming the norm. I've faced so many things alone now: preschool parent night, a court hearing, dinner and a movie... you get the point.

It's hard to go through life without someone cheering for you at the finish line of your first 5k! But in this I've realized two things. The first is that this is a special time in my life where I can be on my own. It's not often in life that I can just go out for a evening by myself, enjoy dinner and a movie alone and be completely comfortable and confident. It's okay to have things we do alone and to find the personal satisfaction that comes from it. The second thing is that I'm not really alone. Jesus said He would never leave us or forsake us.
He promised to be my husband (Isaiah 54:5). And in this season He is sharing these successes with me. He is my strength, the one I lean on in the difficult moments. I am so good at relying on people, and pleasing people. Yet being alone, on my own, it forces me to look within, be my own motivation and rely on God!