Give Yourself Permission

Last night was a late night.  I knew I'd face some big adjustments coming home from our vacation.  As it turns out, my son rather enjoyed sleeping in the same room with mommy, and decided we should continue it at home.  A three and a half hour battle ensued, after which I was finally victorious; and he fell asleep in his own room.  If I could have turned in a resignation slip on my life, I would have. I was that worn out and frustrated.  I knew at 11:30 pm, that waking my son up for preschool at 7:45 the next morning was going to be a challenge, if not impossible.  When the alarm started going off at 7, I made the decision.  I gave myself permission to forgo our normal schedule and let him sleep in.

Setting aside a schedule? Missing preschool?  Canceling a business meeting? Nine months ago I would never have let myself out of these commitments.  And if I had, I would have beat myself up for days about being irresponsible, wasting money, or being lazy.  Yet over the course of the last year I have learned sometimes I need to give myself permission to back out, for something more important.  After a long and crazy busy week on a cruise, both my son and I were overtired.  And it showed in our emotions and interactions with each other. Add to that the cold we were both fighting, and a little extra sleep was probably the wisest choice.  I wasn't being irresponsible or lazy. In fact I was doing the opposite.  Setting aside a commitment and schedule for our best interest: our emotional, and our physical health, was the right choice.

I give myself permission to rest when I need it. I give myself permission to stay home from events when I need it.  I give myself permission to take extra time for me when I need it.  I give myself permission to recover and to heal!  After all, I just walked out of tragedy, three years worth, and it takes a toll on a person.  I'm in a healing process.  Think about your physical body.  When a muscle is injured, it hurts.  Not just at the moment the injury occurs, but even after.  The mobility and use of that muscle is limited.  The impact of that limitation comes on suddenly, and with time it slowly improves.  But it is gradual and it is a process.  The same applies to tragedy and loss.  When tragedy hit my life, my mobility was impacted dramatically.  And as time goes on the pain subsides, and I begin to regain mobility.  But it doesn't happen overnight.

 I remember vividly the first time I gave myself permission, without feeling any guilt.  It was last May when I was experiencing an emotional meltdown.  I was completely overwhelmed.  I had lost my husband, and repressed my grief.  I was teaching, running a business, and trying to figure out single motherhood.  I was involved in 2 moms groups, and serving weekly in a healing ministry.  It was so much more than I should have been doing, and more than I could handle.  It was the equivalent of running a marathon on a sprained ankle.  My mobility was limited, but I just kept going.  It hurt. And I crashed! I rolled over that Thursday morning as my alarm went off, and I knew I didn't have it in me physically to go to the last moms meeting. So I texted in that I wasn't coming.  I went back to bed without even flinching. Even though I was the leader of that small group, I knew I needed to take care of me at that moment.  And I did.

Since then I've become better at giving myself permission.  I can't say I'm perfect, or that I don't miss opportunities to step back, but I'm better.  Today was one of those days where I did what was right for me, and my son.  And I'm proud of myself for being bold enough to make the call.  I proud that I've learned to give myself permission.

At All Times

I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continually fill my mouth. Psalm 34:1.  In the past I read this verse and I understood it as always be praising God.  Like the old song says, "Praise Him in the morning, Praise Him in the noontime."  And I do believe it means that.  But after you've experienced a tragedy in your life: the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a betrayal, losing a job, this scripture takes on a much deeper meaning.

Praise God at all times.  Praise Him when your marriage is strong, and praise Him when its not!  Praise Him when you find out your pregnant, and when you can't conceive.  Praise Him when you can hold your husband in bed at night, and when you have to leave his body in the ground.  At every stage of life, in every situation, we are to Praise God.

Why does He want us to do that?  Doesn't He know how frustrated and angry we are when facing a tragedy?  Yes He does.  And He even understands your questioning.  But God is not the problem, He is the answer.  When we praise Him we are admitting to the fact that yes life sucks right now, but God you are bigger than this problem.  You still love me! Your love for me didn't stop the day this tragedy happened.  And you have a way to turn this around for good (Romans 8:28).  When we magnify God, He becomes bigger in our eyes, and the problem becomes smaller.  We give Him the place He deserves, Lord of our life.  When we praise Him in the good, bad, and ugly times of life, we are building our hope in an unchanging God.  He is good!  He is always good! And I trust Him.

Anyone can praise God when things are going well.  When you move into your dream house, when you get a promotion, when you meet and marry the man of your dreams.  But the true test of our faith and trust in God comes in the hardest of times.  Can you praise God when your spouse betrays you, when you live in the hell created by a loved one's addictions, and when you walk into an empty house the day of the funeral knowing you will never see his face in this world again.  Can you praise God then?  

God you are faithful! You have good plans for me!  You make me an overcomer! You are good.  God you work things out for me because I love you and am called according to your purpose.  You are my Healer.  You are healing my heart.  You are taking away this sorrow! You are my comfort!  I turn to you Father.  I know you love me! I know you love me! I know you love me!  And I love you too!

Changed

There is something about experiencing a tragedy that changes you.  Its not necessarily a bad change, but its change nonetheless.  I have experienced two major "moments" in life which caused a season of rediscovery:  realizing who I am, what I enjoy, and why I believe what I believe.  Those two events were the major shake-up in the foundation of my marriage, and 2  years later the loss of my husband.


The change happens differently for each person.  It could be a change in your physical appearance, your style, your hobbies, how you spend your time, even your beliefs.   When we encounter tragedy our life changes in such ways that certain pieces no longer fit in our new lives.


I've felt this very recently as I've been beginning to make new friends. People will ask me what I like to do for fun.  And I sit there and have to really think about that.  That is not a normal response.  I'm sure when I mentioned that question you immediately had 3-4 past-times hit your brain, automatically without the need to think about it.  But not me.  See 2 years ago, had I been asked that question I would have said: scrapbooking, boating, taking walks as a family, and trips to the west side of the state.  All those activities were things I enjoyed, and most of them were done with my husband.  But today none of those activities are things that I do.  It doesn't mean I no longer enjoy them, because I would.  But they do not fit into my new life.  


Scrapbooking was my passion for 10 years.  But now, I simply don't have the time, the energy or the emotional determination to plan and craft a detailed scrapbook page.  I have no interest in it whatsoever.  As for boating, traveling to the west side of the state, and family walks, well... those were things Jonathan loved and enjoyed, and I don't find the same satisfaction in them I once did.  Really they were his interests which became our activities.

With the lose of a spouse, or even the lose of a marriage to divorce, there is an additional death which occurs.  Part of you dies with them.  And what is left is different.  You will never be that same person that you once were.  That life you had is over and done.  But the part of you that dies, leaves room for new life to spring forth.  Your life changes, and again, it isn't always for the worst.  "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives." John 12:24 (NLT)  


When that seed of our old life dies, what springs forth is a fresh new opportunity.  There are so many wonderful things I am doing right now that I would never have experienced had my husband not passed away.  First of all, I am running his business, and I am loving it! I can't describe the passion that is building in me for this company, and primarily the staff that works in it.  I am constantly challenged and am honored to lead some of the most dedicated and driven men.  I get to support them as they succeed and its so rewarding.  I have also started running, which if you follow my posts you know the amazing healing impact it has had on my life.  I'm in the best physical shape of my life, I'm losing weight, and I'm accomplishing difficult goals.  Finally, I'm blogging.  I am not a writer by nature.  I've never enjoyed writing or been particularly good at it.  But blogging creates such an amazing platform for healing.  Not only my personal healing, but to use my life as an inspiration to others. My heart is to become active in God's calling for my life: to reach women and I recognize that this blog is already touching women I don't even know, and may never meet.

When Jonathan died, a part of my life died with him.  The woman I was on November 24, 2010 is not the same woman I am today.  My old life was buried with him, and everyday I am discovering new trails along the "new life" path.  Its confusing, its exciting, its refreshing.  I'm rediscovering "Jenn":  Who I am, what I enjoy, and what God wants to do in and through me.  I'm not sad for the part of me that has died and been sown into the ground, because I know it will bring forth something great! Sometimes you lose a part of who you were, to make room for who you will become!  I'm not afraid for the future.  For I know God has promised to take me from glory to glory!  He has said that no matter how wonderful my yesterdays were, my tomorrows are going to be even more amazing!

Learning to Walk Again

The most difficult point in my distance runs is when I've hit my targeted distance, and I stop running.  It is uncomfortable, awkward and slightly painful.  My legs become so accustomed to running, the repetitive motion of it, that they want to continue.  They could go on and on for miles.  Yet I've reached the end of my run, and I force them to slow down, and change their movement.   My legs don't  like it at all.  You'd think after all the exertion they've put out they would be content and give in to the easier exercise.  But that is not the case.  They fight it; they resist it.  In this moment walking feels very foreign, and it takes a tremendous amount of energy to just maintain a normal step.  After a short while though, my legs have adjusted and walking becomes the new norm.  My legs are comfortable because my muscles have adjusted.  I could walk on forever.

This is life.  You are running along, pursuing life, enjoying the view, and achieving goals.   You're trudging along just fine; everything feels normal and comfortable.  All your muscles and bones are working in harmony, towards a common purpose. Then all of a sudden life stops.  When tragedy occurs you stop running.  In that moment everything changes.  Perhaps its the loss of a spouse, or even a loved one.  Maybe its a job loss, marital struggles, or another significant strain on your life.  Its that moment when you transition from running to walking.  And its awkward.  It hurts.  It doesn't feel right or natural in any way.  The everyday task of walking now is a strain. It requires effort: more energy and thought than it ever did before.

When my husband died it changed my life in more ways than I could ever imagine.  I distinctly remember in the days following his death not being able to find my car in the parking lot, twice in one day.  This was not normal for me. I have a great sense of direction.  But as I walked out of the store I was frozen.  I couldn't even remember which side of the lot I had parked on.  I was in a fog.  A normal everyday activity was suddenly strange and awkward.  Another odd thing I noticed was I would lose my train of thought, right in the middle of a story or a point.  The thought would vanish and I would have absolutely no idea what I was talking about or where I was headed.  Again another seemingly simple task became difficult to complete.

I had to force myself to walk in many areas of my life.  The things which were simple, easy and part of every day life now became a task which required effort.  It took thought and discipline to make my legs move in such a way as to walk, not run as before.  And as the time passed it became much more comfortable.  I adjusted to the new movements of my life: being home alone, running a business, putting my son to bed by myself, and being on my own.  I am now realizing that I am walking again, and it is no longer awkward.  In fact its starting to feel normal.  As if I'd always walked like this, and could continue walking on like this for miles.

I know that some day I will again run! But until that day comes, I am taking each step as it comes.  Enjoying the sights and sounds on the path along the way.  My head is held high, and I'm looking expectantly towards my future!