Changed

There is something about experiencing a tragedy that changes you.  Its not necessarily a bad change, but its change nonetheless.  I have experienced two major "moments" in life which caused a season of rediscovery:  realizing who I am, what I enjoy, and why I believe what I believe.  Those two events were the major shake-up in the foundation of my marriage, and 2  years later the loss of my husband.


The change happens differently for each person.  It could be a change in your physical appearance, your style, your hobbies, how you spend your time, even your beliefs.   When we encounter tragedy our life changes in such ways that certain pieces no longer fit in our new lives.


I've felt this very recently as I've been beginning to make new friends. People will ask me what I like to do for fun.  And I sit there and have to really think about that.  That is not a normal response.  I'm sure when I mentioned that question you immediately had 3-4 past-times hit your brain, automatically without the need to think about it.  But not me.  See 2 years ago, had I been asked that question I would have said: scrapbooking, boating, taking walks as a family, and trips to the west side of the state.  All those activities were things I enjoyed, and most of them were done with my husband.  But today none of those activities are things that I do.  It doesn't mean I no longer enjoy them, because I would.  But they do not fit into my new life.  


Scrapbooking was my passion for 10 years.  But now, I simply don't have the time, the energy or the emotional determination to plan and craft a detailed scrapbook page.  I have no interest in it whatsoever.  As for boating, traveling to the west side of the state, and family walks, well... those were things Jonathan loved and enjoyed, and I don't find the same satisfaction in them I once did.  Really they were his interests which became our activities.

With the lose of a spouse, or even the lose of a marriage to divorce, there is an additional death which occurs.  Part of you dies with them.  And what is left is different.  You will never be that same person that you once were.  That life you had is over and done.  But the part of you that dies, leaves room for new life to spring forth.  Your life changes, and again, it isn't always for the worst.  "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives." John 12:24 (NLT)  


When that seed of our old life dies, what springs forth is a fresh new opportunity.  There are so many wonderful things I am doing right now that I would never have experienced had my husband not passed away.  First of all, I am running his business, and I am loving it! I can't describe the passion that is building in me for this company, and primarily the staff that works in it.  I am constantly challenged and am honored to lead some of the most dedicated and driven men.  I get to support them as they succeed and its so rewarding.  I have also started running, which if you follow my posts you know the amazing healing impact it has had on my life.  I'm in the best physical shape of my life, I'm losing weight, and I'm accomplishing difficult goals.  Finally, I'm blogging.  I am not a writer by nature.  I've never enjoyed writing or been particularly good at it.  But blogging creates such an amazing platform for healing.  Not only my personal healing, but to use my life as an inspiration to others. My heart is to become active in God's calling for my life: to reach women and I recognize that this blog is already touching women I don't even know, and may never meet.

When Jonathan died, a part of my life died with him.  The woman I was on November 24, 2010 is not the same woman I am today.  My old life was buried with him, and everyday I am discovering new trails along the "new life" path.  Its confusing, its exciting, its refreshing.  I'm rediscovering "Jenn":  Who I am, what I enjoy, and what God wants to do in and through me.  I'm not sad for the part of me that has died and been sown into the ground, because I know it will bring forth something great! Sometimes you lose a part of who you were, to make room for who you will become!  I'm not afraid for the future.  For I know God has promised to take me from glory to glory!  He has said that no matter how wonderful my yesterdays were, my tomorrows are going to be even more amazing!