Wednesday, February 8, 2012

A Memory

Tonight as I looked out the window, I saw the most beautiful sunset.  I stopped my son from playing, and we walked to the window to admire it together.  As we stood there looking and talking about God's painting in the sky, I thought of my late husband, Jonathan.  Before him I never noticed the sunset, or the arrangement of the clouds in the sky on a bright summer day.  He taught me to stop and enjoy the beauty of life around me.  And when I stop everything to admire a sunset, or stare into the clouds, I think of him.  So I wrote a Facebook post about it.  As soon as I posted it I wondered if I should have.  I'm moving on in so many ways, closing the door on that part of my life.  Was it appropriate to post this?  I thought about where we were in our relationship when he died, we were headed to divorce.  Would a divorcee post something about how the sunset reminds them of their ex, because he taught her how to stop and enjoy creation?  Likely not.

Death has an interesting effect on how we remember our loved one.  It doesn't matter how they lived, or the things they did, we tend to remember them in a much more positive light.   I'm not saying my late husband wasn't a good man, because he was.  He just didn't live life to the fullness of that good nature which dwelled within him.  And as I am spending time recovering from his death and the destructive lifestyle I was connected to, I am more and more aware of the negative impact his sickness and issues had on me.  But yet I continue to memorialize him.  I look past the struggles and the faults and in moments like these, I remember the good side.

Had he lived, and we had been divorced, I wonder if I would view him in the same way which I do tonight.  Would it have been a pleasant thing to think of him as I stared at the sunset?  Would I have carried a bitterness and anger for how our life turned out, instead of sadness?  The mere fact that he is no longer alive here on earth impacts the way I walked out of the horrible situation in which I found myself.  And I can't deny that it helps me to look back on our life with fondness in ways I may never have been willing to.  I am grateful for that.  We had good times, and he made me the woman I am today, through the good and the bad.  So I will cherish these memories and I will cherish these moments when I can see how he touched my life.

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