No Thanks!

The very moment I opened my eyes, I saw it.  November 1. As I reached to turn off my alarm, my heart sank.  November.  I didn't recognize how much I have been dreading this month until it came.  For the past year the only time I've referred to November was in reference to my husband's death.  "When did he die?" November.  I've been on my own since November.  Last November he fell apart.  You get my point.  The full impact of all the statements I've made for 11 months hit me like a concrete boulder before I even got out of bed.

As I walked into work today, I was extremely aware of Jonathan.  I entered HIS office, which looks 95% the same as the last time he walked out of it.  I sat in HIS chair and I stared into the distance.  I've been operating in this office, as "mine" for 11 months.  But at this moment it didn't feel like mine at all.  Pulling out of the daze I opened the top desk drawer, "I guess its time I make this mine."  And I finally cleaned that one drawer out.  I have been operating as him for so long, that I never stopped and cleaned out his desk, his briefcase, basically anything in the office.  So I made this small step.  Then I walked into another office to file somethings and one of our managers says to me, "How are you?"  I tried to muster up strength, but he read through it.  I fell apart and said "Its November." I didn't even need to explain. He know exactly what I meant. "We all feel it" was his response.  And I know its true.  I know I'm not the only one hurting as the dreaded day approaches.

I wish I had an option.  Cause I really just wanna say "No Thanks!" Life as a widow.... no thanks!  Raising a son on my own... no thanks!  Cleaning out my husband's office... no thanks!  Facing the year anniversary... no thanks!  But I don't have that choice.  Life hasn't given me that option.

So I ask you, my friends who are sharing this journey with me, to pray for me.  Pray that God will renew my strength because some days I just wanna pass on this whole journey.  Pray for God to complete the work He has started in healing me.  Pray for God to use my life as a way to reach others for Him.  Pray for my son.  Pray that God will continue to heal his little heart.  Pray that he would not feel the enormous void in his life.  Pray that his behavior will improve, and that God will give me wisdom and patience to handle him appropriately.  Pray for my 14 year old (step) daughter.  Pray that she would have peace and understanding about why her dad is no longer here, and her heart would heal.  Pray that she would draw closer to God, and not drift away.  Pray for our family bond will stay strong.  Pray for our employees.  They loved Jonathan, as much as we did.  As one of them told me, "He was the best boss we ever had!" Pray that they will remember the good, and forget the bad.  Pray that they will keep his spirit alive in the company.  Most of all pray that this month if full of joy and peace for all of us.

Thank you for walking with me.  Thank you for praying with me.  Thank you for sharing my story.

-Jenn