Single Mom

Today was a hard day.  Perhaps I'm a little emotionally sensitive with the anniversary around the corner.  Perhaps I'm a little overwhelmed preparing for the trip.  But today was just plain tough!!!  Being a single mom is by far the most difficult side-effect of my late husband's death.  I can deal with the grief.  I can learn how to take care of my car.  I can even assume his duties around the house and at work.  But I can't become a dad.  There is a huge void that was left in our lives, and no matter how hard I try I can not fill that spot. I'm not a dad. I never will be.  I can't be both mommy and daddy.

Single motherhood is hard.  Its challenging.  Its draining. It wasn't my choice.  I have been thrown into it and I'm really trying my best to be a good mom.  But days like today I look at myself and feel like the worst mother in the world. I hate how I had little patience today.  I hate how I couldn't get my 3 1/2 year to comply.  I hate the looks people must have given me as I struggled with him in Kroger.

There is a reason that God required a mom and a dad for a baby to be created.  Because we are not made to do it alone.  That child needs both a mother and a father.  And to be honest, the mom and dad need each other. There is a support, an encouraging, a help and a relief that comes when you parent together.  I don't have that anymore and it breaks my heart.  There is nothing more disappointing than wanting to be the best mom that you can be, to guide, protect and help your son, but because of circumstances you are a substandard mom.  I'm not saying my feelings are realistic, I may be a totally awesome mom in reality, but I don't feel like it.  I know in my gut that I am doing the best job that I can, but I often walk away feeling that I fell short of what I am capable of.  I wonder if other single moms feel that way too.

I'm trying to take one day, one moment, one issue at a time.  I'm trying not to overwhelm myself with the big picture. I'm trying not to blame myself for my son's behaviors and actions.  I'm trying...    I'm trying to lean on God for strength and wisdom.  I'm trying to approach situations differently with him when something isn't working.  I'm trying to stop and enjoy the simple moments with him.  I'm trying....  I'm trying to be more patient.  I'm trying not to react in frustration.  I'm trying to hug and cuddle and love him more.  I'm trying....