Trusting Enough to Let Go!

You may have guessed from the title of my blog that Ruth is a character in the Bible whom I greatly admire.  It wasn't until recently though that she really caught my attention, and I find myself going back to the book of Ruth over and over. Why? Because Ruth was a widow.  I'm in uncharted territory and I need to follow someone who has gone before me, and got their happily ever after.

Ruth was young, married just under 10 years, and hadn't yet had children when her husband died. I'm a lot like her.  I read her story, and I "get it", I understand, and I am inspired.  I want to be like Ruth.  She was a woman of noble character, although she found herself in unfortunate circumstances. She decided to follow God and in the end she not only marries a man of amazing character, but finds her self in the lineage of David, and Jesus!  Yeah, I want to be like Ruth.

Today's excursions to the land of Moab, where I find Ruth and Naomi, led me to a startling truth.  Ruth was determined.  Ruth was determined to follow her mother in law Naomi, and to follow Naomi's God.  Naomi wanted her daughters in law blessed, and had released both of them to return to their land, their God, and get married. But Ruth was determined.  She was not afraid of being single.  She was not hesitant to follow Naomi even though Naomi made it clear there was no plan for her to be remarried (redeemed according to the custom) if she stayed.

Like every woman, I have hopes and dreams for my life.  And none of them ever included being a single mom, being a widow, and being on my own.  But yet here I am.  Life has happened. I've come through some very hard situations, and now that I'm out I'm ready for my happy ending.  I desire to spend my life with someone. And I want to continue to grow a family.  I feel very much like God has brought me out of the bondage of Egypt, but I have not yet stepped into the promise land.  I'm in limbo.  I'm in the wilderness: thankful I'm not where I was, but desiring to move on to something fuller.

And faintly in the distance somewhere I hear this ticking... its my biological clock reminding me how quickly I need to move on to the next phase of my life.  While making dinner I'm doing the math in my head at what the earliest possible age is I could have my next kid.  While folding laundry my mind wanders to the age span that could potentially be between my son and his siblings.  Watching movies I wish to be snuggling the man God has chosen to be my husband, instead of a pillow.  And driving in the car, my son's voice asks, "Why isn't my new daddy coming?"

I'm desiring to go forward with life and so is my son, but yet nothing is happening.  And surprisingly I am extremely content.  How can that be? Yes I have dreams and desires, but God has brought me to this place of total contentment in my life, at this moment, right now.  God showed me three months ago that I needed to be content.  Until I am content on my own, I won't be picky enough to let the right man in. I definitely wasn't content then.  But now I honestly can say, I'm enjoying my life.  I still have the hope and dreams, and desire for my happily ever after, but I'm content right where I am today.

I believe what got me to this point was trusting God enough to let go of my dreams.  I've cried.  I've laid them at the altar.  I've even said to God, "I'm okay God if I don't have another child," and meant it.  I love God enough to know He knows me better than I know myself.  He sees where I am, and knows where I'm headed.  He's working everything out for my best interest.  So while it looks like nothing is happening, God IS! I haven't given up on my dreams, but I have let God have them. Because He holds my world.  Now its his responsibility to bring them to reality, not mine.

I am sure that Ruth longed to be held again; to feel the embrace of a man who loves her.  I am confident that as she went to bed each night, she suddenly felt the emptiness in her bed.  And I am certain when she saw a baby in a new mother's arms, she sighed, wondering if that would ever be her.  Ruth had dreams, visions and plans for her life.  They didn't include being widowed, childless and leaving Moab.  And they didn't include following a mother in law with no certainty of that those dreams would be fulfilled.  But Ruth was determined.  She wasn't afraid to be single.  She laid her desires at the altar, as if to say, "I don't care if I have to go it alone, I will serve you God." Even though she laid it all aside, God didn't require it of her.  She met her Boaz, she had a child, and her heirs were royalty and the Savior.

Its no wonder I want to be like Ruth.  "Where you go, I will go.  Where you stay, I will stay.  Your people will be my people.  You are my God."

Facing the 5k

I did it!  I ran a 5k this morning! One of my first, completely my idea, did it 100% for me, accomplishments as a widow. And I have to say that I feel like I could take on the world.  Amazing what working hard towards a simple 3 mile goal can do. And in case you are wondering on my time, I ran 36:19.  My very first personal record, cutting 3 minutes off my treadmill training time.

While my accomplishment today is monumental for me.  There is so much more to it than just running my butt off!  There are a few very valuable lessons I learned today that I want to share.

The gun went off and after running two short streets, and making a couple turns, I quickly realized the path we were going on.  Hills, lots of hills, steep hills.  Oh no! I have been running on my treadmill for 2 months (at zero incline nonetheless) and this race was meant to be the victory for that feat.  It was not supposed to be a challenge.  I was nervous enough about running on the actual pavement, without my fan blowing in my face.  It was a step of faith to be running in public- with people around who are likely so much faster than me.  But HILLS? Really?!?

I looked ahead of me, and kept a steady pace.  I determined I would stay strong up each hill, not wavering in my pace: steady and strong.  My new goal had shifted from ending the race to making it up this hill without walking!  People ran past me, but still I went, steady and strong.  And all the while hoping that at the top of the hill I would find our course adjusting away from this hilly road. So I made it to the top of the first hill, only to find another hill just a little further along the path.  In fact this course took me up and down several hills, perhaps 5 of them.  I am proud to say I didn't walk any of them. I stayed steady and strong, conquering each hill as it came.  I didn't think about any of the hills ahead, just the hill I was on, and navigating over it to the other side.  The first 2 miles continued like this, hill after hill, separated by a few down hill breaks.  It was such a relief when I discovered the last leg of the race was flat!

 So I conquered the hills, and I did it faster than the flat 3 miles I had run several times before.  Could it be that the presence of the hills, the challenge I faced actually caused me to perform better?  Could it be that seeing others around me navigating the hills with ease, or even walking them, encouraged me that I too could do this?  I believe this is how it is with life.

 I've had a hard few years, and I kept calling the events that happened "Bumps in the road".  But today I realize they were more than bumps- they were hills.  Hills that I didn't anticipate having to climb, but I turned the corner in life and there they were.  I really didn't have much of a choice, I had committed to this race, determined I was going to do it, and my goals had to shift. No longer were my goals about material things, or great accomplishments in life.  My goal was to make it over the hill, not even knowing if the other side held more hills, or a flat steady trail.

The 2 1/2 years leading up to and including my husband's death were the like the start of this race, hill after hill after hill.  He was struggling in his personal life, which led to struggles in every area of our life, marriage included.  And yet I made it through.  I conquered each hill, strong and steady.  I did it with determination, with faith; knowing my God was enough to carry me through it all, and I did it with support- God sending the right people at the right time.  Sometimes all I needed was the right verse in the Bible to get me through.

I've run through the hills, and here I am finishing this part of my journey on a flat path.  The absence of hills makes it seem easier, but I'm worn and tired from the difficulties I faced up to this point.  I am still trudging along, strong and steady, using the same resources which helped me make it this far.  And now I can see the finish line!  I push a little harder, because I know I've made it. I push a little harder because those hills have actually raised my endurance and made me stronger.  I push a little harder because there is something wonderful waiting for me at the finish line.  It's my three year old son.  He's standing up, waiting for me to take him by the hand, so we can race together.