Singleness

 Every season, every experience through which we pass in life, sharpens us.  It refines and polishes.  Not one season is better than the other, each has its benefits to our lives, and each one has molded us into the person we are today.  Looking back in my season of singleness I recognized the beauty of that season.  Despite its frustrations, despite its periods of loneliness, there was a benefit to being single.  For in that time of being alone, on my own, I was able to search and discover who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.

During my season as a single I discovered a strength within myself I never knew existed.  Had I not had to reach deep within myself, this self drive, self determination and utter fight within to not just survive, but to thrive, may have laid dormant.  In life we have so many wonderful opportunities to live life with others: family, spouses, and friends, and we lean on them before leaning on ourselves.  These partners in life are a gift, and help us along the journey.  They help us recognize and overcome our own weaknesses.  And we need them.  But there is an inner drive, an inner conflict, an inner victory which no exterior person can see, grasp or conquer.

During my season as a widow, I was alone.  I was more alone than I had ever been in my life.  I had to learn to make choices I've never had to make before.  I recall the bewilderment I felt when having to select which shade of tan to paint my house. It was terrifying. I realized "I don't know how to make choice and be confident in it."  In that process I learned to stick to my gut as a realtor pressured me to invest upwards of $5,000 in granite for my house to sell it. I knew I didn't have the money, and despite her persistence and forceful nature, I dug my own feet in, and stood strong.

I grew in my authority as a boss, not having anyone but my own head to consult in what should have been the simplest business decisions.  It was a defining moment when an employee asked me if his camouflage tipped boots were appropriate for the uniform.  I remember thinking, "I don't have a clue. Ask someone else."  I wasn't a good decision maker, and I would waiver.  I was used to being under a strong authority, without freedom to pursue my own decision making process.  As the employee stood before me, I heard God speak to me from my heart "Make a decision. And stick with it."  So I did.  That moment changed me.  It was not about what decision I made, but rather gaining confidence in it.  It was a skill I had to develop to survive.

At my first half marathon!

In my singleness I developed a love for running.  I began to push myself.  I pushed through what limited me, and broke barriers I never felt possible.  In 5 months I went from not being able to run a mile, to completing my first half marathon! It was the most proud moment of my life.  It was 100% driven and accomplished by me.  No one suggested it, no one pushed me through the process, no one was there when I wanted to give up, and no one was there when I finished.  I did it for me.  There is a life skill gained through that experience that is irreplaceable.  There will be times in life when we have a dream and a vision, and those around us may not carry that same desire.  They may not understand it, they may think we are crazy, and they make try to deter us.  Our success doesn't start, or end on them, it starts and ends with us! We must find the courage within to start, the drive to continue and the perseverance to complete, and we can only find it within.

In my season as a single, I made mistakes, lots of them.  I had no one to blame but myself.  I had to face the weaknesses within, because there was no "better half" making up for them. I had to learn to compensate for them myself.  I had to gain self-control when I felt I had none. I had to be disciplined when I wanted to fall apart.  I had to admit when I was wrong, confess my faults to others, and work that much harder to overcome them.

I found the true nature of the woman we call Jenn. It was a process, letting the woman on the inside, slowly move to the woman on the outside.  I found myself a strong, confident, secure woman.  A woman who was specific about what she wanted, who found freedom to worship, a desire to serve God, and a willingness to push herself beyond the limits.  I have become a woman who is able to make decisions, even when those around me doubt.  I can hold my head up high and say we are going to do this! And inside I believe it! I have dreams, goals, visions and plans for my life.  And I know they will happen, because God has given them to me, and given me the gift of singleness to develop the drive and confidence to see them through.  Besides, if I can successfully face singleness, glean from it, and walk away stronger, I can do anything!

The word single is often defined as alone, lonely, restricted and secluded.  It can be those things if we allow it.  But I challenge you to grasp hold of the true meaning of single! Let singleness express itself fully in you.  Be exceptional, original, special, undivided, unique, unrivaled and without equal!

Main Entry:	single  [sing-guhl]  Show IPA
Part of Speech:	adjective
Definition:	alone, distinct
Synonyms:	distinguished, especial, exceptional, exclusive,individual, indivisible, isolated, lone, loner, notgeneral, not public, odd, one, only, original,particular, peerless, personal, private, rare,restricted, secluded, separate, separated,simple, singled-out, singular, sole, solitary,special, specific, strange, unalloyed, unblended,uncommon, uncompounded, undivided, unique,unitary, unmixed, unrivaled, unshared, unusual,without equal

excerpt from thesaurus.com

Single Again!

Single-Again.  Its a term I've come up with to describe those of us who having been married, now find ourselves single.  Its a very weird, very uncomfortable place.  Because you have been married, you are in a very different place than those who have remained single.  Which is why I created a special term to describe it.  

Singles know who they are.  They have always been the same person.  Single-again people however change.  When we were single, we were completely ourselves, our likes, hobbies, beliefs, and routines.  Then we got married.  And in marriage, you can't remain yourself and survive.  There is a blending, a melding together that happens.  God describes it as "the two become one flesh."  Thats exactly what happens.  We start with MY way, and YOUR way, and in the end we have OUR way.  We develop a way of life together, with a blended routine, blended likes, and blended hobbies.  We take on a new identity, and it fits in that married life.

On the day my husband died, that married life ended.  And so did that blended woman.  I am no longer blended with my husband, so the things which defined me in that relationship no longer fit.  The hobbies we had together, I no longer enjoy as I once did. The routines we had as a family changed.  And I am not that single woman I was 9 years ago either.  Both of those definitions of Jennifer have ceased to be.  So who am I now if I am not the women I once was?

Enter redefinition.  Yes there is a season of redefining yourself which happens when you are single-again.  You have to relearn yourself.  And you find that who you are is not who you were, and probably not who you thought you'd be.  I've found it hard to answer some of the simplest of questions: what are your hobbies? What pastimes do you enjoy?  As I mutter through a bunch of ummms, I realize I have no concrete answer.  "I don't know"is the best answer I can provide.  

Redefining yourself is a glorious experiment.  Its the opportunity to step out in ways you never before have.  Its the chance to try things you never may have.  The box in which you resided is torn apart, and while that feels scary and vulnerable, you are free! You are free to run out of the box in whatever direction you choose.  I have grown as a person in this season of redefinition.  I am not the woman I once was.  Just like the latest box of Tide detergent, I'm new and improved.  In all honesty very little has changed, just a slight adjustment, but the results are more powerful!

The new and improved Jennifer is a runner!  She enjoys traveling on her own to different destinations to run 13.1 miles, just to get a little race bling!  She's independent, confident, healthier and skinnier.  The new and improved Jennifer is a passionate worshipper.  She has broken out of her box of intimidation and public approval and freely worships God as if no one is watching.  She's madly in love with Her Jesus, and is experiencing Him tangibly, and hearing His voice as never before.  The new and improved Jennifer is a blogger.  She writes each night of the struggles, emotions, events, victories and struggles she has faced.  She shares her heart with a world full of strangers.  She's comforted, encouraged, and strengthened by the simple act of journaling.

It's time to let go of the past, and recognize that while being single-again feels like a wet sock, it is a beautiful season.  A season of unlimited potential; full of adventure.  Embrace your singleness.  Let God redefine you into the new and improved version.  You may just find, like that box of Tide, that you like the results!

Trusting Enough to Let Go!

You may have guessed from the title of my blog that Ruth is a character in the Bible whom I greatly admire.  It wasn't until recently though that she really caught my attention, and I find myself going back to the book of Ruth over and over. Why? Because Ruth was a widow.  I'm in uncharted territory and I need to follow someone who has gone before me, and got their happily ever after.

Ruth was young, married just under 10 years, and hadn't yet had children when her husband died. I'm a lot like her.  I read her story, and I "get it", I understand, and I am inspired.  I want to be like Ruth.  She was a woman of noble character, although she found herself in unfortunate circumstances. She decided to follow God and in the end she not only marries a man of amazing character, but finds her self in the lineage of David, and Jesus!  Yeah, I want to be like Ruth.

Today's excursions to the land of Moab, where I find Ruth and Naomi, led me to a startling truth.  Ruth was determined.  Ruth was determined to follow her mother in law Naomi, and to follow Naomi's God.  Naomi wanted her daughters in law blessed, and had released both of them to return to their land, their God, and get married. But Ruth was determined.  She was not afraid of being single.  She was not hesitant to follow Naomi even though Naomi made it clear there was no plan for her to be remarried (redeemed according to the custom) if she stayed.

Like every woman, I have hopes and dreams for my life.  And none of them ever included being a single mom, being a widow, and being on my own.  But yet here I am.  Life has happened. I've come through some very hard situations, and now that I'm out I'm ready for my happy ending.  I desire to spend my life with someone. And I want to continue to grow a family.  I feel very much like God has brought me out of the bondage of Egypt, but I have not yet stepped into the promise land.  I'm in limbo.  I'm in the wilderness: thankful I'm not where I was, but desiring to move on to something fuller.

And faintly in the distance somewhere I hear this ticking... its my biological clock reminding me how quickly I need to move on to the next phase of my life.  While making dinner I'm doing the math in my head at what the earliest possible age is I could have my next kid.  While folding laundry my mind wanders to the age span that could potentially be between my son and his siblings.  Watching movies I wish to be snuggling the man God has chosen to be my husband, instead of a pillow.  And driving in the car, my son's voice asks, "Why isn't my new daddy coming?"

I'm desiring to go forward with life and so is my son, but yet nothing is happening.  And surprisingly I am extremely content.  How can that be? Yes I have dreams and desires, but God has brought me to this place of total contentment in my life, at this moment, right now.  God showed me three months ago that I needed to be content.  Until I am content on my own, I won't be picky enough to let the right man in. I definitely wasn't content then.  But now I honestly can say, I'm enjoying my life.  I still have the hope and dreams, and desire for my happily ever after, but I'm content right where I am today.

I believe what got me to this point was trusting God enough to let go of my dreams.  I've cried.  I've laid them at the altar.  I've even said to God, "I'm okay God if I don't have another child," and meant it.  I love God enough to know He knows me better than I know myself.  He sees where I am, and knows where I'm headed.  He's working everything out for my best interest.  So while it looks like nothing is happening, God IS! I haven't given up on my dreams, but I have let God have them. Because He holds my world.  Now its his responsibility to bring them to reality, not mine.

I am sure that Ruth longed to be held again; to feel the embrace of a man who loves her.  I am confident that as she went to bed each night, she suddenly felt the emptiness in her bed.  And I am certain when she saw a baby in a new mother's arms, she sighed, wondering if that would ever be her.  Ruth had dreams, visions and plans for her life.  They didn't include being widowed, childless and leaving Moab.  And they didn't include following a mother in law with no certainty of that those dreams would be fulfilled.  But Ruth was determined.  She wasn't afraid to be single.  She laid her desires at the altar, as if to say, "I don't care if I have to go it alone, I will serve you God." Even though she laid it all aside, God didn't require it of her.  She met her Boaz, she had a child, and her heirs were royalty and the Savior.

Its no wonder I want to be like Ruth.  "Where you go, I will go.  Where you stay, I will stay.  Your people will be my people.  You are my God."