Singleness

 Every season, every experience through which we pass in life, sharpens us.  It refines and polishes.  Not one season is better than the other, each has its benefits to our lives, and each one has molded us into the person we are today.  Looking back in my season of singleness I recognized the beauty of that season.  Despite its frustrations, despite its periods of loneliness, there was a benefit to being single.  For in that time of being alone, on my own, I was able to search and discover who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.

During my season as a single I discovered a strength within myself I never knew existed.  Had I not had to reach deep within myself, this self drive, self determination and utter fight within to not just survive, but to thrive, may have laid dormant.  In life we have so many wonderful opportunities to live life with others: family, spouses, and friends, and we lean on them before leaning on ourselves.  These partners in life are a gift, and help us along the journey.  They help us recognize and overcome our own weaknesses.  And we need them.  But there is an inner drive, an inner conflict, an inner victory which no exterior person can see, grasp or conquer.

During my season as a widow, I was alone.  I was more alone than I had ever been in my life.  I had to learn to make choices I've never had to make before.  I recall the bewilderment I felt when having to select which shade of tan to paint my house. It was terrifying. I realized "I don't know how to make choice and be confident in it."  In that process I learned to stick to my gut as a realtor pressured me to invest upwards of $5,000 in granite for my house to sell it. I knew I didn't have the money, and despite her persistence and forceful nature, I dug my own feet in, and stood strong.

I grew in my authority as a boss, not having anyone but my own head to consult in what should have been the simplest business decisions.  It was a defining moment when an employee asked me if his camouflage tipped boots were appropriate for the uniform.  I remember thinking, "I don't have a clue. Ask someone else."  I wasn't a good decision maker, and I would waiver.  I was used to being under a strong authority, without freedom to pursue my own decision making process.  As the employee stood before me, I heard God speak to me from my heart "Make a decision. And stick with it."  So I did.  That moment changed me.  It was not about what decision I made, but rather gaining confidence in it.  It was a skill I had to develop to survive.

At my first half marathon!

In my singleness I developed a love for running.  I began to push myself.  I pushed through what limited me, and broke barriers I never felt possible.  In 5 months I went from not being able to run a mile, to completing my first half marathon! It was the most proud moment of my life.  It was 100% driven and accomplished by me.  No one suggested it, no one pushed me through the process, no one was there when I wanted to give up, and no one was there when I finished.  I did it for me.  There is a life skill gained through that experience that is irreplaceable.  There will be times in life when we have a dream and a vision, and those around us may not carry that same desire.  They may not understand it, they may think we are crazy, and they make try to deter us.  Our success doesn't start, or end on them, it starts and ends with us! We must find the courage within to start, the drive to continue and the perseverance to complete, and we can only find it within.

In my season as a single, I made mistakes, lots of them.  I had no one to blame but myself.  I had to face the weaknesses within, because there was no "better half" making up for them. I had to learn to compensate for them myself.  I had to gain self-control when I felt I had none. I had to be disciplined when I wanted to fall apart.  I had to admit when I was wrong, confess my faults to others, and work that much harder to overcome them.

I found the true nature of the woman we call Jenn. It was a process, letting the woman on the inside, slowly move to the woman on the outside.  I found myself a strong, confident, secure woman.  A woman who was specific about what she wanted, who found freedom to worship, a desire to serve God, and a willingness to push herself beyond the limits.  I have become a woman who is able to make decisions, even when those around me doubt.  I can hold my head up high and say we are going to do this! And inside I believe it! I have dreams, goals, visions and plans for my life.  And I know they will happen, because God has given them to me, and given me the gift of singleness to develop the drive and confidence to see them through.  Besides, if I can successfully face singleness, glean from it, and walk away stronger, I can do anything!

The word single is often defined as alone, lonely, restricted and secluded.  It can be those things if we allow it.  But I challenge you to grasp hold of the true meaning of single! Let singleness express itself fully in you.  Be exceptional, original, special, undivided, unique, unrivaled and without equal!

Main Entry:	single  [sing-guhl]  Show IPA
Part of Speech:	adjective
Definition:	alone, distinct
Synonyms:	distinguished, especial, exceptional, exclusive,individual, indivisible, isolated, lone, loner, notgeneral, not public, odd, one, only, original,particular, peerless, personal, private, rare,restricted, secluded, separate, separated,simple, singled-out, singular, sole, solitary,special, specific, strange, unalloyed, unblended,uncommon, uncompounded, undivided, unique,unitary, unmixed, unrivaled, unshared, unusual,without equal

excerpt from thesaurus.com

Be Aware

My son and I were returning to the ship after a long day at the beach in Grand cayman. As we are sitting aboard the tender, on our 15 minute trip from shore to the boat my son falls asleep. Not just an ordinary mid day nap. No this is the "might as well be dead because no matter what you do I'm laying here... unresponsive" kind of sleep. It wasn't until we arrived along side the ship to embark that I realized the dilemma I now faced. As the boat is violently rocking side to side I debate it my mind how to carry my 34 pound son who is nothing more than deadweight. How am I realistically going to carry him, my purse, beach bag and shopping bag safely out of the boat, up the stairs and over onto our ship without either of us crashing or falling as the boat thrashes side to side? I look around and think to myself,  "I'll wait until it's just about our turn and as I pick him up, juggling his flailing body amongst the bags, someone will notice and offer to help." So as our turn arrived I shuffled him and the bags around, grasping to anything I could reach along the sides of the boat, to keep steady through the waves. 

Now earlier in the day a woman aboard my trip had complimented me on how brave I was for traveling on my own with a 3 year old. I told her that in the past year ive learned to be brave. You either get brave and attempt things on your own or you sit home and miss out. I've decided life isn't gonna stop for my son and I just because it stopped for Jonathan. So challenging, difficult, or even scary at times we are going to enjoy life!  And we did!  We enjoyed a beautiful day at the beach together. 

I've also learned that being a single mom is not in any way easy. Sometimes you can handle all it brings. Othertimes it can be completely overwhelming. I've lost all sense of "superwoman" pride. I don't have to be able to do it all and my own and thats okay. There are going to be times that I need help. It's not a reflection of me. And accepting help when I need is not a sign of weakness as I used to feel. It's a sign of strength. It takes a strong woman to realize her limits and accept the blessings God sends along the way. He didn't create a superwoman. He created a mother to be part of a team, and my design didn't change just because I became widowed. I still need to be part of a team to raise this boy. That hasn't changed, however my "team" has. 

Today I was counting on the kindness of strangers to be my teammate. And I was left dissapointed and frustrated. I stepped cautiously across the ship, my son sagging lower and lower with each step. Eventually I reached the top of the steps unassisted and extremely afraid. Carrying myself across the bridge to the ship without falling would have been an amazing feat. Could no one on board the tender have noticed my struggling and that I was alone? I suppose for a small number that may have been true. But what about the rest? Were they too consumed in their lives to want to interfere?  Perhaps they didn't want to be bothered?  Whatever their reason I was extremely disappointed in my fellow cruisers. Not one person offered to help. That is until I made it over the bridge, through security and baggage scanning. When I arrived in the elevator to head to my room a very young couple in their twenties offered assistance. Which I gladly accepted, although I had already made it through the obstacle course that was the ship re-entry, and was in the home stretch. [I should mention that I did ask for assistance from the crew to cross from the tender to the ship because I was afraid I'd drop him. And the ship staff assisted myself and my son across.]

So what's my point in sharing this story?  It is not meant as a complaint or a way to vent my frustration with the world. Rather it is meant to be a thermometer for us, myself included. Let's not be so consumed with our own life that we miss the opportunities in front of us each and everyday to be Jesus to the world. Open our eyes. Look around. Do u see a single mom in need, balancing a sleeping child and shopping bags?  Offer to help, for likely she is hoping someone will notice her and come to her rescue. Perhaps it's the widow who doesn't now how to prepare her house for winter and needs a helping hand. Maybe it's an older woman at your church who is lonely and longs for an invitation to dinner. Let's open our eyes. Let's be the blessing God sends to those in need. Lets be Jesus to the world! 

By Myself, but not Alone

I feel this pulling, this draw to just be alone.  I first recognized about a week ago, when I wasn't able to get a friend to accommodate me on my road trip for the half marathon.  And oddly enough I am completely okay with it.  I feel that God, for whatever reason is pulling me away from others, and to himself.  I feel this need to be alone. 


I am such a social person.  I love being in a room full of strangers, because I can openly talk to any of them.  So this call to be on my own is a big challenge.  I understand that God has a great purpose for it.  A few months ago, I felt him telling me, "the only voice I need in my head is God's."  And sometimes because of my social nature, I involve too many people, each with their own voice and opinion of what I need to do in my life.  And it causes me to be confused.  I mix a person's voice with direction I feel from God.  And sometimes I can't tell if its what God himself wants me to do, or what others think I should do.  But when its just me and God, I hear his voice so clearly.  I know what His directions are for me, and what He is telling me to do.  


I've been asking God, "why do you want me alone?  What is the purpose of pulling me away?"  Its amazing how when you take the time to ask such simple questions, He will answer. Last night as I'm sitting in a class at church, my pastor shared about the word "alone."  In the Hebrew, the Word for "alone,  can have two different meanings.  It can mean alone, as in lonely; or alone, as in one with God.  It was at that moment I realized, "God you are calling me to be one with you!"  

This is not the first time I have felt this overwhelming pull to Him in my widowhood.  I felt it about 6 months after the passing of my late husband.  Isaiah 54:4-5 spoke so strongly to me:  “ Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth,  And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband, The LORD of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth".  From reflecting on these verses I came to understand that God was my husband.  It was just me and God.  Thats my life, thats my source.  Me and God, united.


I decided to get a tattoo to symbolize this season of my life: just me and God.  He's my husband.  He's all I need.    The tattoo for me was a marker, like the altar's God would have our forefathers make, to mark an event that happened so they wouldn't forget.  I didn't ever want to forget that God is my husband!  The best part was the next available appointment to get the tattoo done just so happened to be on my wedding anniversary!  How amazing is our God?  The exact day that I would have been upset, and discouraged, God gave me something beautiful to replace it.  Now my anniversary is with God!


Somewhere along the way, I've lost track of that focus: me and God.  Life gets busy.  Distractions arise.  We get focused on making our desires come to pass, instead of waiting for God to.  I believe this is why He's calling me back to Him again right now.   He has so much He wants to do in me.  And when I turn away from all distraction, and focus on Him, He is able to do that work, completely!  Today I chose to be
alone: One with God.

A Girl on Her Own

I'm not really a blogger. In fact I don't even follow any blogs, and I'm not quite sure how this whole blogging thing works. But here I am, just another odd piece of my new adventure. Part of the reason I'm starting to blog is for healing for me, processing the events of my life, the frustrations of being a single mom/widow, and to get the revelations God is showing me written out. The other reason is for you- who ever you may be that comes across this blog. I have walked through some very painful things, some very unique things. Perhaps you are walking through some of them too. I believe that God will use my story to help you. That through my openness you will find the strength, the hope, the courage and the faith to make it through and come out on top! That you will discover even though life happens, God is still God and He is still good!

Here's my story in a nutshell: I am a 34 year old widow, single mother of a 3 1/2 year old boy. Almost 10 months ago my husband unexpectedly died. And here I am, life changed in an instant, walking out each day in faith, learning valuable lessons I wish someone could have shared with me! To catch you up on details of the last 10 months of my journey, or even the past 3 1/2 years of my journey would be overwhelming. I am just going to start with today, here, where I am right at this moment and fill you in on my story as we go along...

Two months ago I started running. I have some weight I'd like to lose and walking wasn't doing it. So at the advice of a friend I began to run. I had no idea what it would do for me, not only do I physically feel better and look better, but there is this great psychological component which is so needed when life has a way of dumping all it's worst on you. I discovered I could push myself, set a goal and force my body to do something it doesn't want to. I could be in control and decide when we stop! When I hit a new speed, or increase my distance I feel like a conqueror. I feel like I can take on anything that comes my way. A nice feeling after having your life completely altered in an instant- beyond your control.

So now I'm up to 3 miles and tomorrow morning is my first race! I'm so excited about accomplishing this once impossible goal. But here's the catch: despite my openness and invitations to come out and support me- NO ONE IS! Now hear my heart, I am in no way complaining here. The point is I have this great life accomplishment happening, and no one to share it with. Typical widow moment. There is this song I return to often by Taylor Swift called A Place in this World. It's my widow theme song! The chorus says: "I'm alone, on my own. And it's all I know. I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on. I'm just a girl... Trying to find my place in this world". And that is exactly how I feel tonight. Alone. On my own. Sadly though after 10 months this feeling is becoming the norm. I've faced so many things alone now: preschool parent night, a court hearing, dinner and a movie... you get the point.

It's hard to go through life without someone cheering for you at the finish line of your first 5k! But in this I've realized two things. The first is that this is a special time in my life where I can be on my own. It's not often in life that I can just go out for a evening by myself, enjoy dinner and a movie alone and be completely comfortable and confident. It's okay to have things we do alone and to find the personal satisfaction that comes from it. The second thing is that I'm not really alone. Jesus said He would never leave us or forsake us.
He promised to be my husband (Isaiah 54:5). And in this season He is sharing these successes with me. He is my strength, the one I lean on in the difficult moments. I am so good at relying on people, and pleasing people. Yet being alone, on my own, it forces me to look within, be my own motivation and rely on God!