Friday, October 28, 2011

By Myself, but not Alone

I feel this pulling, this draw to just be alone.  I first recognized about a week ago, when I wasn't able to get a friend to accommodate me on my road trip for the half marathon.  And oddly enough I am completely okay with it.  I feel that God, for whatever reason is pulling me away from others, and to himself.  I feel this need to be alone. 

I am such a social person.  I love being in a room full of strangers, because I can openly talk to any of them.  So this call to be on my own is a big challenge.  I understand that God has a great purpose for it.  A few months ago, I felt him telling me, "the only voice I need in my head is God's."  And sometimes because of my social nature, I involve too many people, each with their own voice and opinion of what I need to do in my life.  And it causes me to be confused.  I mix a person's voice with direction I feel from God.  And sometimes I can't tell if its what God himself wants me to do, or what others think I should do.  But when its just me and God, I hear his voice so clearly.  I know what His directions are for me, and what He is telling me to do.  

I've been asking God, "why do you want me alone?  What is the purpose of pulling me away?"  Its amazing how when you take the time to ask such simple questions, He will answer. Last night as I'm sitting in a class at church, my pastor shared about the word "alone."  In the Hebrew, the Word for "alone,  can have two different meanings.  It can mean alone, as in lonely; or alone, as in one with God.  It was at that moment I realized, "God you are calling me to be one with you!"  

This is not the first time I have felt this overwhelming pull to Him in my widowhood.  I felt it about 6 months after the passing of my late husband.  Isaiah 54:4-5 spoke so strongly to me:  “ Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth,  And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband, The LORD of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth".  From reflecting on these verses I came to understand that God was my husband.  It was just me and God.  Thats my life, thats my source.  Me and God, united.

I decided to get a tattoo to symbolize this season of my life: just me and God.  He's my husband.  He's all I need.    The tattoo for me was a marker, like the altar's God would have our forefathers make, to mark an event that happened so they wouldn't forget.  I didn't ever want to forget that God is my husband!  The best part was the next available appointment to get the tattoo done just so happened to be on my wedding anniversary!  How amazing is our God?  The exact day that I would have been upset, and discouraged, God gave me something beautiful to replace it.  Now my anniversary is with God!

Somewhere along the way, I've lost track of that focus: me and God.  Life gets busy.  Distractions arise.  We get focused on making our desires come to pass, instead of waiting for God to.  I believe this is why He's calling me back to Him again right now.   He has so much He wants to do in me.  And when I turn away from all distraction, and focus on Him, He is able to do that work, completely!  Today I chose to be
alone: One with God.

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