Sunday, October 16, 2011


Imagine you and your husband have this huge fight.  In this fight you pull away from them, and don't say the things you want to.  You give them a cold shoulder, instead of a hug.  This fight is different from all others, instead of reconciling quickly, you hold your ground, and the fight lasts for a few days.  Can you relate?  Now imagine in the midst of that fight your husband suddenly dies.  Its so hard to imagine, it seems incomprehensible.  Its something we never ever would want to happen.  But it happened to me.

Last October I had some difficult decisions to make.  I'm going to be fairly vague, because I want to honor my late husband, his memory, and our children.  My husband had some very serious personal struggles which had consumed him for a few years.  I stood by him.  I supported him.  I prayed.  We went through all types of counseling.  And it all helped, but it didn't help enough.  Nothing short of the power of God coming into his life could set him free from the bondages he faced.  And unfortunately it was those bondages that made it difficult for my late husband to receive that healing and freedom from God.

I believed in him, more than he did himself.  And the point came when I realized he needed to believe in himself.  No matter how hard I tried I couldn't save Him.  No one could.  So under God's leading I took a stand.  I took a stand for my children.  I took a stand for my life.  And I took a stand for God.  It was a difficult season, one of the hardest things I've ever done.  And to my disappointment, he chose to fall farther into his issues, ultimately leading to his death on November 24, 2010.  In the most unsettled time of our relationship, he died.

I learned a very valuable lesson in that time of taking a stand: I'm responsible for my own actions and decisions, I am not responsible for how someone else responds to them.  I know that I did what was best for my family, and I had the blessing of God.  I never wanted my husband to respond the way he did.  And I wish things had played out different.  But the fact is it did happen. The good news is that he had a personal relationship with Jesus. He is in heaven!  And he is finally free from the bondages which held him back so greatly here on earth.  And we are free too!

But in the midst of this new life of freedom, there is a constant longing in my heart... closure.  I loved Jonathan.  I loved him deeply.  I loved him in a way many couldn't understand.  I loved him with the love of God.  And he died, right in the middle of a "fight".  How do you deal with that? How do you grieve the loss of someone who you still love as a husband, even when you weren't united?

Some people think because of the situation we were in, and all the struggles we faced, that this loss would be easier.  Death of a spouse is never easy, regardless of the circumstance!  There are so many things I want to say to him.  So much I want him to know.  And I can only hope that God reveals it to him in Heaven.  Someone once asked me what I would say to my husband if I could see him again.  Here is my answer: "I love you!"  More than anything I want him to know that I really did love him!  The stand I was taking was not one I wanted to take, but I had to.  And somehow in that I think he questioned my love.  But the stand was a stand of love.  Because I loved him, I did it.

I wish I could have one more day with him, so that I could tie up these lose ends.  But I can't.  So I trust God to bring closure that only He can.  And I see Him doing it in subtle ways.  I see closure in the tears I cry at the altar.  I see closure when I enjoy the freedom we now walk in, compared to the struggles we had.  I see closure every time I accomplish something for the business.  I see closure as I become increasingly more confident and independent.  I see closure each time God removes pain from a negative stimulus in my life.  I see closure as I discover myself again. And I see closure as I write this blog.

I believe that God will continue to bring closure, more and more as the anniversary approaches.  I have a wonderful future ahead of me, and perhaps that future is another level of closure as well.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  Psalm 23:4-5

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