Sunday, October 23, 2011

I have to do this!

In two weeks I will run my first half marathon!  I know, I'm half crazy...  before July I had never run! Well, that is if you don't count the one season of track in the 9th grade, which I hated. But now I am a runner. I started running last July and I love it! I love beating down the path, with nothing but me, the wind, the view, my iPod and God. So when I was invited to run a half marathon in November, out of state with some famous business associates, I was really tempted.  Then I thought about it... November... the month my husband died.  Wow! What an amazing accomplishment it would be for me, after such a difficult and tragic time in my life.  I have to do this!

Why am I running a half marathon?  Because I can control it.  Its about me.  I push my body. I set my goals. I achieve them. The last few years of my life were totally dependent on someone else.  My husband's weaknesses and strengths set the tone and pace of our life.  I never knew what would happen, or when the bottom would fall out.  I could do everything to prepare, but in reality I wasn't in control.  I was left responding to situations, and cleaning up messes.  Running isn't reliant on anyone else.  And training for and completing a half marathon depends on one person: me.  I can depend on my self! I determine what I want to do, and work hard to make it happen.

Why am I running a half marathon? Because not everyone does it!  13.1 miles of running is not easy. Only .17% of the United States population ran a half marathon last year.  It is difficult. It is hard. And you have to be strong to do it!  Looking back at the last few years of my life, it was difficult, it was hard. And I when I crossed the finish line I didn't get a medal, or a t-shirt. I had hurt, pain, and disappointment. Like running a half marathon, not many have lived through all the things I have.  So running this half marathon is symbolic of what I have gone through, but its the positive counterpart.  It will be difficult.  It will be hard.  It will be my choice, and it's making me stronger!

Why am I running a half marathon?  Because its something positive for me to focus on as I approach the one year anniversary of my late husband's death.  Its amazing how our bodies and memories automatically remember.  This time of year, October and November, were very difficult last year.  They were hurtful, they were painful.  I witnessed the man I loved self-destructing.  And without a  focus, I would be reliving every day, every thought, every event. Instead of focusing on the negative, I'm running.  I'm running about 20 miles a week.  I'm meeting new benchmarks, and feeling  accomplished.  By training, I'm keeping myself emotionally and physically well.  I'm going into this challenging season focused on something positive, that makes me feel good, instead of hurt; healthy instead of heart sick; confident instead of insecure; and a victor instead of a victim.

Why am I running a half marathon?  Because as I say, "I buried a husband, I can do this!" Its a challenge.  Its a sign of my strength.  Its a sign of my survival.  Its a sign of my independence.  Its a sign that I'm okay; I can't be kept down.  I'm a young woman who can put her mind to something and accomplish it!

Why am I running a half marathon?  Because life has dumped on me.  Life has thrown at me the worst that it has to offer.  And now by running 13.1 miles I tell life "take that! You've tried to take me out, but I came back stronger! I'm not moved by what bring my way! I make my own destiny!"


  1. i followed your link the running group on facebook. i love this post. it gave me chills and i feel like i could have written it myself, the thoughts are so similar to my own.

    i started running this past spring. i started running because i was hurt and mad and a whole bunch of things i couldn't label. my marriage was going haywire and it seemed that all my husband and i were doing was hurting each other. i seriously considered filing for divorce. running was my short time each day that allowed me to clear my head off all that.

    i started out running out of anger. it was therapy. i kept running because once i stopped hurting myself by running too hard (out of anger), i realized, it actually felt really good. it was soothing and healthy.

    i just decided a couple of weeks ago that i am going to train for my first half marathon that will be in the spring. i'm terrified. but excited. i just keep telling myself that if i can get through things that i have had to deal with thus far in my life, certainly i can finish a 13.1 mile race.

    and so will you. best of luck to you on race day and beyond.

    ~kristin gilley

  2. Kristin, Thank you for coming and sharing in this journey with me! I didn't realize how "normal" I am... it's amazing what running does for the soul! Keep strong and keep running! I hope the half your running is the DIVA this spring, with the mamas- because I am!