Thursday, October 11, 2012

Just for a Season

  Fall is in full swing.  The leaves have changed, and begun to fall.  Its cold, and overcast.  And worst of all we have finally resorted to turning to furnace on.  The signs of fall are all around.  This being my first fall up north, 3 more hours north than before, I have been in awe of all the beautiful scenes around me.  The leaves changing color is far more striking than down state, rows and rows of orange, red, and yellow line the streets, over looking lakes, and up and down rolling hills. I've stopped a few times just to admire and take it all in.  I have enjoyed every bit of the change of seasons.  But as we press further into fall, I'm not as in love as I once was.  The intial thrill I found in pulling out my long sleeve shirts, jeans, and boots is gone.  Now I'm resisting wearing a very necessary coat, and waiting to see how much cold I can endure before turning the heat on.

Season bring change, some of the change we enjoy, while other parts we dread.  We all have a favorite season, one we enjoy more than others, and its usually hard to let go of that season and welcome the new one.

About a year and a half ago I entered the doors of a new church for a Saturday evening Easter service. I was going to support some dear friends who were involved in the service.  They had been a huge support to me in the previous 4 months since the passing of my first husband.  I had hardly attended a church other than my own for the past 12 years, but this night I ventured out.  Not long into the worship service I heard God say to my spirit, "come here and heal."  That was it.  I knew at that moment that the time had come to leave my home church of 12 years.

God had already been preparing me for months.  He had told me that fall that my new husband would not be at my home church.  I listened carefully, but continued to attend.  I knew that God would direct me when the time was to go.  As a matter of fact, there were a few instances during the several months while I still attended that I was extremely frustrated and I wanted to leave.  "That's it! I'm done!"  But once I cooled down, I knew it wasn't the right time.  And I continued to wait for God to show me when and where to go.

On that Saturday evening I entered a new season of life.  For months I had been known at church only by my current pain, my late husbands struggles, and a single mom and widow.  I felt alone.  I felt that everyone was watching me. I felt that I had to keep up a facade so that God would get praise.  But the moment I closed that door, and opened a new one, at the new church, I found freedom.  No one knew me.  No one knew my situation.  No one had to know.  All they knew was I was Jenn, and I loved God.  During that season I found freedom to truly worship God with all my heart, in reckless abandon, caring not what others think, but what God thought.  I found myself at the altar almost every Sunday.  Sometimes it was to worship, other times to praise.  Often it was to kneel before God's presence, almost in a lump at the altar, broken, hurting and helpless before God.

In that season I fell in love.  I fell in love with worship.  I fell in love with the new freedom I had found.  I fell in love with God again.  I would go to church solely to meet with God.  It was just me and Him.  And then I would leave.  I grew in faith. I grew in knowledge.  I broadened the scope of my understanding with God. It was wonderful.

Then, just as the cold continues to set in, and its time to change over your closet, a new season began in my life.  I met a man, a wonderful man. This man captured my heart, and carried it 3 hours north.  Now I live 3 hours away from the church that I had become so connected with.  At first it was hard, and we would discuss often about how powerful my home church was, and I would cry about leaving.  I had experienced such wonderful things while there I didn't want to leave it for a church that didn't experience what I had, or worship the way I had grown to worship.  After several conversations we decided to find a church at which we as a couple fit better, and we did.  Now that I have been up here for several months, and regularly attending a new church, I've had the grace to let go.

God told me "come here and heal."  That's exactly what I did.  Like a hospital stay, I came in broken.  During my stay I received care. I was rejuvenated. And I was healed.  Now that I am healed God has released me to move forward.  He healed me, so that I would be ready for the life I am now building.  He healed me so that I would be able to love, when the man He had chosen came into my life.  He healed me so that I could walk away from everyone I knew, and everything I had, and trust Him to create a new life for me.  He healed me.


  1. I miss seeing you at church, but I'm so happy for where God has led you. :)

  2. Deanna, I miss being there, no doubt about it. But I know God has moved me on, and its wonderful!