Tuesday, October 23, 2012
entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings.
I try to be perfect. I expect myself to be perfect. Regardless of how hard I try, and how much I expect perfection, I am not. I'm NOT perfect. I have flaws, I have shortcomings. I am a work in progress. And its time to be okay with it.
I am a self proclaimed perfectionist. I expect myself to perform to a certain level, and live to a high standard. Mediocrity is not acceptable. I must push myself, I must be the best that I can be. I constantly compare myself to myself, my goals, and my expectations. And I constantly fall short. Its a vicious cycle. I expect perfection of myself, I work towards perfection, I fall short of perfection, I get frustrated... because I am not perfect.
I am a dreamer. I visualize what I want my life to be. I set goals. Goals are a motivator. They place my focus on a target, and help me to build actions to reach that target. If I didn't have goals, I wouldn't put the effort in to reach them, I wouldn't develop the framework to support the goals.
Goals are a measuring stick for success. When I reach a goal I know that I am winning. I have attained the prize, I have conquered. Goals are something to work toward and be attained. I have goals for many areas of my life. I have financial goals. I have spiritual goals. I have professional goals. I have physical goals. As I runner, I have kept myself motivated through goals. My running goals are: to run 1 race a month, to run 20 miles a week, and to run a half marathon in every state. I'm actively pursuing my goals, and am diligent in my effort to meet them. I know that these goals keep me from falling back in my running. Because I have these goals I push forward, I maintain my effort, I focus. But I'm not perfect. I don't meet every goal. And it frustrates me.
I have flaws. My greatest flaw is expecting more of myself than I can always give, and feeling bad for not attaining perfection. Instead of looking at the effort I'm making and the success I'm achieving, I look at the one area I missed. And it captures my attention. I get frustrated because I'm not running 4 days a week. I'm only running 3, and so I feel like a failure. I get stressed because I'm not achieving perfection. I lose sight of the fact that this time last year I didn't run. I lose sight of the fact that in the past year I have run over a dozen races, and completed 7 half marathons. I pay no attention to my running pace dropping from a 14 minute mile to an 11 minute mile. These aren't the areas which gain my focus- its that one day a week that I don't have time to run. Its the shortcoming, lack of perfection where I glance.
Its time for me to get in line with God. He knows I'm not perfect. And even more than that He doesn't expect me to be. If God doesn't expect me to be perfect, because He knows I can't be, why do I? I set myself up for failure. I set myself up for frustration. Goals are good. And ultimately they are achieving their purpose. Even though I don't meet every goal, the effort I put into getting there, the level which I achieve, although falling short of meeting the goal, is greater than what I would have accomplished had I not tried at all.
I'm deciding today to change my definition of perfection.