Its so easy to blame our schedule, activities and the busyness of life for hindering us from accomplishing goals. But as I sat and and blogged last week I realized it was actually something far greater than these surface issues. As usual I blogged a new revelation I had about my healing, my grief, and my widowhood. I got my thoughts out on the screen, and found deeper levels of understanding and peace within myself for sharing them. I set up automatic post for the following morning and thought, "Yes! I'm back!" However, as I lay in bed ready to fall asleep confusion set in. I've learned that a lack of peace is easily identified by confusion. When confusion arises, something is wrong and its time to STOP! I don't have to know what choice to make, or what to do, but rather to STOP! And thats what I did. I logged into blogger and stopped the post. I instantly felt better.
Two years later I have processed a large amount of the pain. I have worked through what I experienced and the trauma I went through. I have let go of the hurt, I have released the anger, and let God remove the pain. I was broken. Faithfully God answered my prayer to take my brokenness and make something beautiful! He made me beautiful and gave my son and I a beautiful new start at life. I am no longer the woman I was a year ago. I am not a widow. I am not a victim. I am not hurting, struggling and gasping for air. I am whole. I am complete. I am content. I walk in a daily peace I have not felt for so long I forgot what peace truly felt like. I have met my soul mate, and I have the blessing of building a life together with him, hundreds of miles away from my past.
Now I stand in the crossroads, who I was and who I am now. I don't want to be defined by my past. I want to glance back, with my head held high, and move forward. And that is what stopped me from publishing the post. I want to establish my new life, carrying the lessons learned from my past in my heart, but not being defined by them. I want to simply be Jenn. I'm not entirely sure what that means... but this I do know: I have the freedom to choose what I share, when I share and with whom. I believe there is wisdom in that! I know my story, the wisdom gained from my experiences, the support I can offer to women in similar situations and the hope from the testimony of how God turned a horrifying situation around for His glory need to be shared! I will share, and I will give God glory. But I will let God lead the timing, I will let God build and develop a new life for me, independent of where I came from, free from baggage. And I know in His timing doors will open, and people will marvel at God's grace in my life.
But that's not today... today is a day for focusing on my future, and enjoying my present. Today is a day for learning my role in this new family, remembering how to be a wife, and simply enjoying the newness of life. I have a second chance, a new life, and I'm not looking back. I'm moving forward!