Today is a reminder. 10 months ago my husband took his last breath here, and his first one in heaven. He is whole. He is healed. He's hanging with Jesus, with my dad, my sister and his best friend. I don't know if there are pranks in heaven. But if there are, my late husband and his best friend are doing them; Sliding down the streets of gold in their socks, and asking Jesus to pull their finger.
Today is a marker. We've made it through so much since then. I've assumed leadership in the business, and completed almost every task that needs to be done. I've developed relationships with our employees, and vendors. And I've fallen in love with the business, something I never thought would happen. On the home front: I've potty trained my son, and he's growing and changing so much. He's started preschool now, and I faced parent night alone- with very few tears. I chartered every holiday, and started creating new traditions. Two more months to go until I have made it through the first year. It will be a relief to have made it through every event, season and holiday alone; a bittersweet accomplishment.
I've started to move away from dealing with and feeling my personal loss, to grieving the loss of my son's father. I noticed it for the first time two weeks ago. I was having a moment of grief and healing, and it was so clearly about the void my son has in his life. I prayed for my son very earnestly. And I cried. I cried for my son. He needs a daddy. He wants a daddy. And he had a good one. There is a vacancy. He feels it and so do I.
I'm in a place where I can honor my late husband again. Next month our business is joining a local race, and running in his memory. We call it "Run for the Boss". We are honoring who he was, and donating money in his name to Teen Challenge USA. I want his memory and legacy to be a positive one, to his children and to those in his company.
I'm comfortable talking about who he was in an honest way, and not let his weakness cancel his strengths. I'm much more aware of speaking of him in a way that is honoring, for we don't stop honoring someone just because they are dead. I'm more and more ready to share my story, and increasingly sensitive to whom I share it with and when. I'm ready to move on in life. I'm ready for the next chapter. And the best part is even though I'm still on this road of healing, I can still begin a new life. Healing is a process. I don't have to be completely through it to start moving forward.