Monday, September 19, 2011

Liquid Prayers

You never know when its gonna hit you.  Sometimes its the most appropriate of moments: taking a final ride in the '51 Ford Pick-up Truck he rebuilt before it goes to its new home; walking into the restaurant you went to the night you were engaged; or seeing the grave marker newly installed on his grave.  Sometimes its the most random and odd things which spark it: his sit board he used as he cleaned windows on the outside of 30 story buildings; walking through the parking lot and emergency room where you went that morning when you got the call; or walking to your seat at the Christmas Eve church service.  Tears streaming down your face uncontrollably, a flood of emotions, a pinch of sadness, all in an instant...

Today it was in the middle of my Pentecostal Doctrine class.  Random.  Odd.  Almost embarrassing.  But I couldn't help it.  There I was, tears flowing uncontrollably, hoping no one would notice, but I have learned enough at this point to not fight it.  Something in the content of the lecture sparked it, and in my heart I understood and knew why it was I found myself in this moment of healing, but yet words can't express it.  I  recognized that something had pricked my heart, found another broken piece, and it needed healing.

I didn't always respond that way.  When my husband first passed away last fall I grieved hard at the funeral.  It was hard and intense.  I knelt beside his dirt covered grave before I left and said "I'm leaving it all here."  I thought that was the Christian thing to do.  I thought I needed to be strong and move on.  I thought that crying or exposing hurt was a sign of weakness, a result of lack of trust in God.  I felt this very real, yet unspoken, pressure to show everyone how great God was.  And I would do that by being strong. "I was fine."  I suppressed so many natural emotions for the first 5 months because I had believed that to acknowledge those moments when they came was doubting God's work.  And it lead me to an emotional crisis.

I found myself being led by God to change churches at just the right time.  It was a divine intervention of God for my healing.  For at this new church I found freedom.  As I entered each Sunday I was anonymous.  No one knew me.  No one knew what I had walked through.  I didn't have to answer to anyone, or put on a smile.  It was just me and God.  And thats what I needed.  I let my guard down and let God in.  I would answer every altar call at the end of service, walk up that altar to a prayer minister and just cry.  I couldn't express why I was crying.  I couldn't express what I needed prayer for.  Sometimes I would kneel at the altar, during worship especially, and the tears would just keep flowing; my liquid prayers.  They continued intensely for 6 weeks, and slowly began to taper... they still happen although they are more spuratic.

In that time at the altar God corrected me.  On May 1, 2011 God spoke to my heart.  This is what I wrote in my journal that morning:

"Let go of self image and 'I'm so strong, I'm healed, Its all okay'."  Its okay to hurt.  Its okay to let it show.  Its okay to not be able to do everything.  The 'I'm healed' is about ME; pride that I can walk through it, I'm so strong.  Let go of 'me' and 'self'.  Let GOD heal me and He WILL get the glory!!! Its okay to still need to be healed.  It doesn't lessen my testimony or God's healing.  I really did love him selflessly.  Hurt is normal! Let God bring it out and heal it!"

So in those moments, whether at the altar during service, or sitting in a class, I have learned to acknowledge the mourning or grief as a need for healing. And my prayer in these times has become "Bring it up. Bring it out. Heal my heart God."  I know that in these moments God is working, taking the brokenness and making something beautiful with my life!

It doesn't mean you don't trust him.  It doesn't mean you don't believe.  
It doesn't mean you don't know he's not redeeming everything. 

You don't need to run.  You don't need to speak.
Baby take some time, let those prayers roll down your cheek.
It may be tomorrow, you'll be past the sorrow.  
But tonight, it's alright...
Just cry.
-Mandisa, "Just Cry"


  1. Hi Dear Friend,
    "Liquid Prayers"....what a beautiful way to put it....

    (Understanding completely)

  2. Jenn, it makes me so happy to read this. :) Not the hurt and mourning, but the acknowledgement of it. :)

    I'm glad to read this, "Its okay to still need to be healed. It doesn't lessen my testimony or God's healing. ... Hurt is normal! Let God bring it out and heal it!"

    You are an incredible woman, and I know you will do great things through God.

  3. @Jules- Thank you for reading. I know you understand those moments and walk through them. Thanks for helping me realize how important those moments are!

  4. @Sarah- i know exactly what you mean. ;) The more I acknowledge it, the deeper the healing! Its a beautiful thing. Thanks for joining the journey with me!

  5. So, so beautifully written. I still struggle with grief at random moments and it does help to have this perspective. :)

  6. Anne, I am so glad that this helped you! That is why I am sharing my innermost thoughts on the internet... because we often don't understand it and question ourselves. I trust that God is healing you in those moments, just as he is healing me!

  7. So many times one of my daughters asks me why I can't ask anyone for help and my response is always, "Because I have to take care of everything by myself now." Thanks for this post.


  8. Candy, I feel that way too! I'm mommy, daddy, wife and husband, homeowner, business owner, and somewhere in there- Jenn. But I'm learning that I don't have to "be" all that. I'm learning to call for backup. God says He's my strength and sometimes I literally call out to Him- "God He's your son, get Him to stay in bed!" Other times He sends people in my life to fill the void. Even if its just a friend to say "You don't need a free hassle- spend the money to let someone else take care of this". It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help and I thought it was. But the more I ask, the more help I get, the stronger I am!