Today it was in the middle of my Pentecostal Doctrine class. Random. Odd. Almost embarrassing. But I couldn't help it. There I was, tears flowing uncontrollably, hoping no one would notice, but I have learned enough at this point to not fight it. Something in the content of the lecture sparked it, and in my heart I understood and knew why it was I found myself in this moment of healing, but yet words can't express it. I recognized that something had pricked my heart, found another broken piece, and it needed healing.
I didn't always respond that way. When my husband first passed away last fall I grieved hard at the funeral. It was hard and intense. I knelt beside his dirt covered grave before I left and said "I'm leaving it all here." I thought that was the Christian thing to do. I thought I needed to be strong and move on. I thought that crying or exposing hurt was a sign of weakness, a result of lack of trust in God. I felt this very real, yet unspoken, pressure to show everyone how great God was. And I would do that by being strong. "I was fine." I suppressed so many natural emotions for the first 5 months because I had believed that to acknowledge those moments when they came was doubting God's work. And it lead me to an emotional crisis.
I found myself being led by God to change churches at just the right time. It was a divine intervention of God for my healing. For at this new church I found freedom. As I entered each Sunday I was anonymous. No one knew me. No one knew what I had walked through. I didn't have to answer to anyone, or put on a smile. It was just me and God. And thats what I needed. I let my guard down and let God in. I would answer every altar call at the end of service, walk up that altar to a prayer minister and just cry. I couldn't express why I was crying. I couldn't express what I needed prayer for. Sometimes I would kneel at the altar, during worship especially, and the tears would just keep flowing; my liquid prayers. They continued intensely for 6 weeks, and slowly began to taper... they still happen although they are more spuratic.
In that time at the altar God corrected me. On May 1, 2011 God spoke to my heart. This is what I wrote in my journal that morning:
"Let go of self image and 'I'm so strong, I'm healed, Its all okay'." Its okay to hurt. Its okay to let it show. Its okay to not be able to do everything. The 'I'm healed' is about ME; pride that I can walk through it, I'm so strong. Let go of 'me' and 'self'. Let GOD heal me and He WILL get the glory!!! Its okay to still need to be healed. It doesn't lessen my testimony or God's healing. I really did love him selflessly. Hurt is normal! Let God bring it out and heal it!"
So in those moments, whether at the altar during service, or sitting in a class, I have learned to acknowledge the mourning or grief as a need for healing. And my prayer in these times has become "Bring it up. Bring it out. Heal my heart God." I know that in these moments God is working, taking the brokenness and making something beautiful with my life!