I'm basically a stay at home mom, although I add in a few morning classes and a some work outside the home, but in reality I am home, with a three year old, ALL the time. He is my companion, my social outlet, and in the evening no one else is coming home. Its just me and my boy. And I love that! This is a very special time I have with him. I don't have to share him with anyone. Its just the two of us. I love that I have the ability to be a stay at home mom! When I first had my son that was our plan. And for 18 months I was home. But then because circumstances changed, I had to go back to work. And for the past two years I taught kindergarten part time. Now God has given me the ability, in such an impossible situation, to stay at home once again. He is the best redeemer! Just another way He has turned this tragedy around for good for me. This is a crucial time, my son needs me. I'm all he has. So I willingly and joyfully give myself to him.
The tower gets boring. I have a strong social need to go out, get away and spend some time with people my age. I get very little time to myself, mostly when I'm running, or at night once he is in bed. But its a very brief and short time. And again. its virtual social interaction. I realized the other day while using the bathroom, and my son barged in... that I can't even do that in private. He's always there. And the moment I'm out of his sight and he realizes it... I hear footsteps, and anticipate the door opening. I am sure thats normal for a boy who has experienced loss. Daddy disappeared and so he stays close to me. He follows me upstairs in the morning when I put on my make-up, he crawls into my bed in the early hours of the morning, and comes downstairs when I'm on the treadmill. And there is no break. No one comes home every evening and spends time with our son so I can make dinner, or take a bath, or run to the store. Nope. Not happening. No one comes home each evening to greet me, ask about my day and converse over dinner. No one is hear to sit on the couch and discuss what is going on in the world. And I'm starting to feel the effects of that void.