Sunday, September 25, 2011


I've been really bored lately.  Just the past few days I have been noticing it more and more.  And while Im very content with my life, there is this boredom I'm feeling.  Its not a miserable feeling.  But it seems like I hit a certain point in the day and I start endlessly checking Facebook, texting some friends, and staring at the phone.  So tonight I'm analyzing it.  What is going on?

I'm basically a stay at home mom, although I add in a few morning classes and a some work outside the home, but in reality I am home, with a three year old, ALL the time.  He is my companion, my social outlet, and in the evening no one else is coming home. Its just me and my boy.  And I love that! This is a very special time I have with him.  I don't have to share him with anyone.  Its just the two of us.   I love that I have the ability to be a stay at home mom! When I first had my son that was our plan. And for 18 months I was home.  But then because circumstances changed, I had to go back to work.  And for the past two years I taught kindergarten part time.  Now God has given me the ability, in such an impossible situation, to stay at home once again.  He is the best redeemer!  Just another way He has turned this tragedy around for good for me.  This is a crucial time, my son needs me.  I'm all he has. So I willingly and joyfully give myself to him.

But every positive has a negative side to it.  And the downside here is that I am not 3, I am a very social 34 year old woman.  I live in a tower, like Rapunzel.  Just me and my son in the tower, no doors, no entrance, no ladder.  No one is coming and going.  Its just me and him.  Occasionally I "let down my hair" and reach out to people outside the tower.  Virtual interaction mostly.  Texting.  Facebook.  And now blogging. As wonderful as life is in the tower,  I long to be outside these social stone walls which hide me away from the world. I long to spend a day in the meadow, enjoying the freeness of life.

The tower gets boring. I have a strong social need to go out, get away and spend some time with people my age.  I get very little time to myself, mostly when I'm running, or at night once he is in bed.  But its a very brief and short time.  And again. its virtual social interaction.  I realized the other day while using the bathroom, and my son barged in... that I can't even do that in private.  He's always there. And the moment I'm out of his sight and he realizes it... I hear footsteps, and anticipate the door opening.  I am sure thats normal for a boy who has experienced loss.  Daddy disappeared and so he stays close to me.  He follows me upstairs in the morning when I put on my make-up, he crawls into my bed in the early hours of the morning, and comes downstairs when I'm on the treadmill.  And there is no break.  No one comes home every evening and spends time with our son so I can make dinner, or take a bath, or run to the store.  Nope.  Not happening.  No one comes home each evening to greet me, ask about my day and converse over dinner.  No one is hear to sit on the couch and discuss what is going on in the world.  And I'm starting to feel the effects of that void.

For a very long time I had a sitter coming once a week, so that I could go out.  And it got to the point where I was primarily going out alone, but at least it was a break.  Through the changing of her schedule and the budget I'm trying to stick to, its hasn't been anything close to weekly.  Maybe thats another piece of the puzzle.  I think its time I make a few adjustments, so that I get out of the tower once and a while.  If I can go out, have some repreave, and fill my social tank, upon my return I will scale the wall of the tower with anticipation! Ready for the next adventure awaiting me, whether it be Thomas the Train delivering a load, Bob the builder fixing something, or firefighters putting out fires.


  1. Dear friend,
    It is amazing to me how we both have felt the same feelings at about the same place in our "widow walk". The beauty in that is that we have such a loving Heavenly Father who cares so.deeply for His daughter's that He could create such a healing bond between us. I love your openness in your writings, the truth is so refreshing. I pray that "the body" will truly be "the body" to you and Gabe, wether it be in an act of kindness, a word of encouragement, or a simple are you. May He bring you exactly what you need at the exact times that you need it. "You are walkin in favor girl"!

    Love you and precious Gabe,
    Jules aka
    "Miss doolie"

  2. What about going out with a friend and leaving both your kids with the other dad? That's what a group of us do when our husbands go out of town - the remaining husbands take all the kids while we go out for dinner. They usually enjoy some beer while watching the kids, order pizza, and have a great time.

    I am also very social. If I don't get out and socialize I get cranky! And we can't afford sitters all that frequently, either.

    Just a thought for the logistical element!

  3. Jenn,
    This is my first visit to your blog. You are gifted! I too, blog about my life of widowhood,at having released my husband to our heavenly Daddy nearly 2 and a half years ago. I encourage you to invite your friends in for a movie night or simple potluck. Oftentimes, we need to be the initiator.

    I will visit again when I have more time to read. Keep writing! It will help heal your heart. I know writing has been very therapeutic for me and brought me far on my journey.

  4. Jules- It is absolutely amazing how God intertwined our lives. Thank you for the prayers- since writing this God has already started using people in the body, including the comments which follow you!

    Contentedly Crunchy- Great ideas! I think I need to look into this, or even a kid swap. Thanks for sharing, sometimes being so intense inside a situation makes it hard to see possible solutions.

    Renee- thank you for visiting. I'm not really gifted at writing, I really think its God moving through me. LOL. I'm so sorry for your loss and I will look into your blog as well. Part of why I'm writing is to connection to other widows- no one really gets it until they've walked in our shoes. So its nice to meet you! And again, I am going to be a little more assertive, even if it means having some friends over after my son is asleep!

    Thank you everyone for your encouragement, support and prayers!