Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Single Again!

Single-Again.  Its a term I've come up with to describe those of us who having been married, now find ourselves single.  Its a very weird, very uncomfortable place.  Because you have been married, you are in a very different place than those who have remained single.  Which is why I created a special term to describe it.  

Singles know who they are.  They have always been the same person.  Single-again people however change.  When we were single, we were completely ourselves, our likes, hobbies, beliefs, and routines.  Then we got married.  And in marriage, you can't remain yourself and survive.  There is a blending, a melding together that happens.  God describes it as "the two become one flesh."  Thats exactly what happens.  We start with MY way, and YOUR way, and in the end we have OUR way.  We develop a way of life together, with a blended routine, blended likes, and blended hobbies.  We take on a new identity, and it fits in that married life.

On the day my husband died, that married life ended.  And so did that blended woman.  I am no longer blended with my husband, so the things which defined me in that relationship no longer fit.  The hobbies we had together, I no longer enjoy as I once did. The routines we had as a family changed.  And I am not that single woman I was 9 years ago either.  Both of those definitions of Jennifer have ceased to be.  So who am I now if I am not the women I once was?

Enter redefinition.  Yes there is a season of redefining yourself which happens when you are single-again.  You have to relearn yourself.  And you find that who you are is not who you were, and probably not who you thought you'd be.  I've found it hard to answer some of the simplest of questions: what are your hobbies? What pastimes do you enjoy?  As I mutter through a bunch of ummms, I realize I have no concrete answer.  "I don't know"is the best answer I can provide.  

Redefining yourself is a glorious experiment.  Its the opportunity to step out in ways you never before have.  Its the chance to try things you never may have.  The box in which you resided is torn apart, and while that feels scary and vulnerable, you are free! You are free to run out of the box in whatever direction you choose.  I have grown as a person in this season of redefinition.  I am not the woman I once was.  Just like the latest box of Tide detergent, I'm new and improved.  In all honesty very little has changed, just a slight adjustment, but the results are more powerful!

The new and improved Jennifer is a runner!  She enjoys traveling on her own to different destinations to run 13.1 miles, just to get a little race bling!  She's independent, confident, healthier and skinnier.  The new and improved Jennifer is a passionate worshipper.  She has broken out of her box of intimidation and public approval and freely worships God as if no one is watching.  She's madly in love with Her Jesus, and is experiencing Him tangibly, and hearing His voice as never before.  The new and improved Jennifer is a blogger.  She writes each night of the struggles, emotions, events, victories and struggles she has faced.  She shares her heart with a world full of strangers.  She's comforted, encouraged, and strengthened by the simple act of journaling.

It's time to let go of the past, and recognize that while being single-again feels like a wet sock, it is a beautiful season.  A season of unlimited potential; full of adventure.  Embrace your singleness.  Let God redefine you into the new and improved version.  You may just find, like that box of Tide, that you like the results!


  1. Thank you for your post! I can so relate. I lost my husband this past April. We had been married just shy of 40 years. This new season of being single and living alone is SO DIFFERENT. I am literally having to find myself. I'll never be the same person I was when I had my hubby!

  2. Jennifer, I love the term single-again! Many of us widows don't feel comfortable with the term widow, or single, to define our new position in life, and single-again works really well! Thank you, and God bless!

  3. Thank you for jumping into blogging. After 19 years of marriage, I became "single-again" exactly seven months ago. I still have no words to explain the incredible way in which God has been so present, His grace and compassion, and just so many blessings for myself and my children. Today does feel "like a wet sock" but I know that God is in control of all of it.

  4. Kathy, its so helpful to hear other women going through the same thing. Being a widow we often feel like we aren't normal, or don't fit in. But we are normal... normal widows! I'm embracing the new me, and am surprised to find that I really like the person I'm becoming. I hope you will discover the same about your self as God redefines you!

  5. Patty, you are welcome. Single just doesn't seem to fit does it? Praying for you on your single-again journey!

  6. Chris, You are so welcome! I love sharing my story, thoughts, and wonderings. And when I receive comments like the ones here it makes it all worth while. I'm sorry for your loss and am praying for you! Our God is amazing, and I'm so grateful that I have had a personal relationship with Him as I have walked this path. I don't know how to heal with out Him. Thanks for sharing your journey with me!

  7. Jennifer, I think the older a woman is and the longer she was married the harder it is to find that new identity. At least that is the experience I am having as a widow after being married for over 36 years. There are times when I don't recognize this person and even times when I don't like this person. But, there are other times when I see that I am becoming a stronger woman because of it. It's a mixed bag for me.


  8. Candy, I would think that you are right. I was "only" married for 9 years, and perhaps its a little different than what you are facing. Ask God to help you discover your new life, and to bring people and desires to your life for this next season. Being redefined isn't always easy, and it can be uncomfortable, but I know that God still has a plan and a purpose for you! Keep turning to Him! {{hugs}}