Thursday, December 22, 2011

Hot Mess

Hot MessWhen ones thoughts or appearance are in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness or beauty. (Urban Dictionary)

Some weeks I feel like I have my act together.  I'm emotionally strong, I'm healing, I'm living life. I can handle the regular twists and turns that life brings.  I'm not moved by little annoyances, or seemingly big obstacles.  My son and I are flowing together smoothly.  I enjoy spending time with him, and I have a strength and patience in my parenting.  Life is good. 

Other weeks I'm a hot mess! I look great on the outside, but inside I'm a disaster.  There is caution tape strewn everywhere: from my parenting to my emotions.  A pot hole feels like the grand canyon. I lack motivation.  Emotionally I am a wreck.  The grief wins out.  I've been strong too long, and I seem to fall apart. I can't handle even the smallest of confrontations with my son.  Oh, and I cry at the drop of the hat.  Life sucks.

My life for the past year has been a constant interchange of these two states: Ms. Act Together and Hot Mess.  Its confusing.  Its frustrating.  I feel like just when I think I'm on the mend, and can handle adding responsibilities back to my life... Hot Mess shows up.  It causes me to be hesitant.  I'm hesitant to commit myself to anything.  I may feel like I can handle it today, but who knows when Hot Mess will show up and how long she will stay.  I may not be able to keep this commitment two months from now.  So I'm afraid to even take it on.   I think, what am I doing?  Am I just not ready to take this on?

Ms. Act Together, and Hot Mess keep me guessing.  I never know who is gonna show up or when.  I feel like I have these two identities, neither of which are the real me.  It causes me to question if I'm really okay, even when I know I am.  It makes me long for the days when my life, my emotions, even the person who I am, was consistent! I told my pastor today, "I wish you knew me before this."  He lovingly and gently reminded me that God creates beautiful things out of brokenness.  Brokenness is a great place, because God Himself is recreating me.

Yes I am being recreated! No one enjoys living in a house while its being remodeled,  But when it is done, it was worth every inconvenience, every discomfort.  The house is better than it was before.  All the beauty that was originally there is added to; its enhanced.  I may be a mess right now, but I still look good to God!  He sees me finished.  And some day, you will see it too!

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