Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Moment

I have a question for you widows who have gone before me.  At what point do I stop having the moment? You know, your thinking about life as it used to be, or you think of your husband, and the reality hits you.  He's really gone. He's not coming back.  This is real.  In that moment life stops.  And you wonder if you've been living in a nightmare.  Reality strikes you, and its as if you'd never thought it before.  "He is really dead."  

Its been over a year and it seems odd to keep having these moments.  I was thinking about Jonathan, and how he only lived to be 38.  What a short life. What a waste of a life that could have been.  I was equating his age at death, to my age.  I'm almost 35.  What a shame it would be to end life so young and so early.  And thats when the moment came.  Its real.  It really happened.  He died and is now in heaven. And this Christmas season my heart is sad.  I'm missing him.  I wish our life together didn't end this way.  I wish we could have experienced that happily ever after I kept hoping for.  But it didn't happen.

As much as I've been sad and missing him, I have also been so mindful of his eternal life in Heaven.  I'm so aware now, that while we aren't experiencing life with him, he isn't missing out on our lives.  He knows, he sees, he hears.  And I look forward to the day when I will be reunited with him in Heaven.  

For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord.  1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

I find such comfort in these words.  I know that whether it be at the end of my life, or at Jesus' return that I will be with Jonathan again. 


  1. Dear Jenn, Those verses fill me with anticipation and longing! I look forward to that Great Day---and I’ve learned that’s one of the gifts of widowhood. No one else quite understands eternal love or has an inkling of the satisfaction and glory ahead. After a while I think you’ll begin to see how “the moment” episodes reveal that holy longing. Painful as they are, they won’t stop when you’re “through” grieving. Rather, the length between them will grow, the pain will distill into something precious.
    There might be some days ahead you will need to willfully choose to direct your thoughts heavenward if “the moments’ become oppressive, but for now--- rest assured they are perfectly normal and to be expected. You and your husband had become one through marriage, and his death is a huge trauma. It’s OK that it’s already been a year and you still miss him. What would be really sad would be if you didn’t. You loved him, therefore you grieve. But your Hope shines bright. You’re going to make it. Blessings on you and your son this Christmas, God does love you very much.

  2. Jenn, it's been 25 months for me and I still have those moment episodes where I am filled with longing for my husband to be here with me well and healthy.

  3. Ferree, and anonymous friend, Thank you for your encouraging words. They have touched me deeply as I'm facing this Christmas with out him. I often question if I'm normal, and feel like I should feel different, but your comments HELP ME!!! It helps me to know I am normal, as normal as a widow can be! :) And whatever I am feeling is what I need to be feeling at that moment. Thank you!