Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Its been a while...

I've done it again. I continually set expectations on myself just slightly beyond what I am able to maintain.  Why do I do this?  Even when I'm trying not to, it still happens.  And that, my friends, is why I haven't posted in a few days.

Life has been crazy.  Its busy.  My son has become increasingly needy of my attention, and I'm finding myself more drained and exhausted than I was last year at this time.  You would think with time things would get easier.  I'd adjust to the new life, its rhythm and demands.  But things are easier.  They are hard.  And some days they are much harder than they were last year at this time.

I called a few of my single mom friends, and asked them, "What is wrong with me? Shouldn't I have adjusted by now?" They all reassured me that I am not screwed up.  Its normal.  And I'm living in a continual fluctuation.  There are seasons where I feel ready, able to take on more. And for a while I'm able to.  Then months later life fluctuates.  I can no longer take on what I was able to before.  Its like this on so many fronts.  Its confusing.  Its frustrating. Its exhausting.

A perfect example is the never ending bedtime saga.  Ever since my late husband's death, bed time with my son is a struggle.  This three and a half year old boy doesn't want to go to sleep anywhere but with me.  I believe this is the biggest source of my drain.  The three hour fight at night.  It seems that I'm able to find the "trick" that works, and it lasts for a short while.  Then... fluctuate!  Now that trick no longer gets him to bed easily and I'm back at square one trying every trick in the book to get this boy to sleep on time.

I find my life echoes this struggle.  What works for me today, may not work for me tomorrow.  What I'm able to handle emotionally this month, I may not be able to handle next month.  For a while I was able to handle posting Monday through Friday, but right now its very challenging.  I feel overwhelmed at the thought of all I need to get done, once my son finally gets to bed.  And when I don't post I feel like I've let myself and others down.  I'm in a process...

So while I work through this latest struggle, I ask for your patience.  I want nothing more than to be well rested, composed, and able to fulfill the demands I place on myself.  But I have to be honest with myself and work within my limits.  And right now I'm operating beyond them.  I'm making a point of taking time to make sure I get the rest I need.  We all need to do that.  If we don't take care of ourselves, who will?

1 comment:

  1. Since becoming a widow 2 years ago, I have found that the more demands I put on myself and the less sleep I am getting, the less I can handle things and the easier and quicker I become absolutely overwhelmed.

    I, too, have very high expectations of myself and of others and this is one of the areas of my "Pandora's Box" that has come out since that lid was opened at the death of my husband. It is an area that I think I may be working on for a very long time.

    You do what you need to do now and don't worry about anything else but you and your son. You are worth your own focus.

    I wonder what a christian psychologist would suggest to help with your son's separation anxiety.