Friday, December 23, 2011

Where are you Christmas?

"Where are you Christmas?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?
My world is changing,
I'm rearranging.
Does that mean Christmas
changes too?"
-Faith Hill, Where are you Christmas

I can't put it any better than this.  While this isn't technically the first Christmas after my late husband's passing, I consider it the first one.  Last year we were in such a fog, just 4 weeks before he left us, and we were going through the motions.  But this year, I've had to face the entire Christmas season on my own. 

 I have always loved Christmas, the lights, the decorating, Christmas music, and of course the presents!  And this year I have been stepping out in faith and going through the motions of Christmas.  Its been different, its been hard.  Yes my life has changed and so has Christmas.  While the changes feel awkward and strange, I know that in time they will become the new normal.  

I'm facing Christmas this year in hope, and with a saddened but grateful heart.  I'm thankful for all the wonderful family Christmases we have shared in the past.  Remembering the Christmas we went to church in our jammies and slippers, because our Christmas tradition was to stay in our pajamas all day.  I'm remembering how excited he would get opening pounds and pounds of beef jerky.  I'm remembering all the Christmas movies we would watch, and how he would always say, "I want to be George Bailey."  

I choosing to have hope this holiday season.  Hope that my heart, and my family are healing.  Hope that we can find Christmas and enjoy it once again.  This hope is evident in the fact that my 15 year old step daughter is coming this year! It has always been tradition for her to wake up at our house on Christmas Eve and open presents.  Last year she just couldn't do it.  But this year she's rejoining us!  I'm so excited to share Christmas with her.  Together the three of us are forging a new road.  And somehow knowing that Jonathan can look down from Heaven and see us brings me such an amazing comfort.  I know that as we wake up and open presents, he will be with us.

So my friends, from the bottom of my heart I wish you a Merry Christmas.  May you once again find Christmas this year.

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