Just Jenn

I haven't blogged in a few months, and I am sure some of you are wondering "what is going on with Jennifer?" Some of you know I recently married, and that alone would be reason enough to take a hiatus from posting my journey and reflections of life.  In fact, my wedding, honey moon, and transitions into a new family have been a majority of the reason I have disappeared from the blogosphere.  Add into the mix a major transition in the staffing at work, along with moving 200 miles away,  and a new travel schedule for work, and yes there is very little time left for processing my thoughts through the keyboard.  But there is something more which has been underlying in my absence, hiding beneath the surface, almost undetected.

Its so easy to blame our schedule, activities and the busyness of life for hindering us from accomplishing goals.  But as I sat and and blogged last week I realized it was actually something far greater than these surface issues. As usual I blogged a new revelation I had about my healing, my grief, and my widowhood.  I got my thoughts out on the screen, and found deeper levels of understanding and peace within myself for sharing them.  I set up automatic post for the following morning and thought, "Yes! I'm back!"  However, as I lay in bed ready to fall asleep confusion set in.  I've learned that a lack of peace is easily identified by confusion.  When confusion arises, something is wrong and its time to STOP! I don't have to know what choice to make, or what to do, but rather to STOP! And thats what I did.  I logged into blogger and stopped the post.  I instantly felt better.

So what was it about this post that I couldn't publish it?  You may be wondering, is it the final secret? No, there were no secrets, no shocking truths, aside from a few raw details of my past.  What held me up was an identity confusion.  Who am I? What is my life? How do people see me? I realized that my marriage, my new family, new home town, new friends, all of it brought me a new start.  I have a second chance at life, an opportunity to redefine my life.  So often in my widowhood I wanted to just be "Jenn".  I hated being "the woman who...",  "the widow", "the single mom", and worst of all... "Jonathan's wife (insert sad look of pity here)".  I just wanted to be me, Jenn.  I wanted to be seen for who I was, not the situation I was in, or the victim of someone's illness.  Jonathan's death had brought a freedom for me, a separation from the issues, the drama.  I no longer wanted to identify with the pain, hurt and struggles.

Two years later I have processed a large amount of the pain.  I have worked through what I experienced and the trauma I went through.  I have let go of the hurt, I have released the anger, and let God remove the pain.  I was broken. Faithfully God answered my prayer to take my brokenness and make something beautiful! He made me beautiful and gave my son and I a beautiful new start at life.  I am no longer the woman I was a year ago.  I am not a widow.  I am not a victim.  I am not hurting, struggling and gasping for air.  I am whole.  I am complete.  I am content.  I walk in a daily peace I have not felt for so long I forgot what peace truly felt like.  I have met my soul mate, and I have the blessing of building a life together with him, hundreds of miles away from my past.

Now I stand in the crossroads, who I was and who I am now.  I don't want to be defined by my past. I want to glance back, with my head held high, and move forward.  And that is what stopped me from publishing the post.  I want to establish my new life, carrying the lessons learned from my past in my heart, but not being defined by them.  I want to simply be Jenn.  I'm not entirely sure what that means... but this I do know: I have the freedom to choose what I share, when I share and with whom.  I believe there is wisdom in that! I know my story, the wisdom gained from my experiences, the support I can offer to women in similar situations and the hope from the testimony of how God turned a horrifying situation around for His glory need to be shared! I will share, and I will give God glory.  But I will let God lead the timing, I will let God build and develop a new life for me, independent of where I came from, free from baggage.  And I know in His timing doors will open, and people will marvel at God's grace in my life.

But that's not today... today is a day for focusing on my future, and enjoying my present.  Today is a day for learning my role in this new family, remembering how to be a wife, and simply enjoying the newness of life.  I have a second chance, a new life, and I'm not looking back.  I'm moving forward!