Monday, November 21, 2011


Its been a year since he died.  It feels like forever!  I've been doing a lot of reflecting.  I've been seeking closure.  I've been healing.  One of the things I've had to deal with is regrets.  I think everyone who loses a loved one deals with regrets.  And while I can't go back and change a thing, I still carry these around with me.

1. That I stopped saying I love you
2. That I gave away his things to quick
3. That I don't have his Bible
4. Not having anything prepared in the event of his death
5. Putting pressure on myself to do it all and not taking time off of work to heal
6. Denying my need to heal
7. That his life was cut short, and wasted

These are my regrets. As I continue to walk out this healing,  I'm sure there will be more.  I made some mistakes.  I did things that were right at the time, but after his death, I wish I had done differently.  But in all fairness I did a lot of things right.  There are a lot of things which may not have been the easy road, but they were the right road.  Here's my list, the things I don't regret.

What I don't regret
1. Taking a stand for my son and myself
2. Honoring him as my husband at funeral
3. Keeping his personal issues private
4. Marrying him
5. Staying when everyone around me said to leave
6. Loving him
7. Doing everything I could to save him

And there are probably more of these too.  The further away I get from his death, the more I process what happened.  I've been through almost every difficult situation a married woman could face.  And it takes time.  It takes time to process, to understand, to reflect and to heal.  I'm grateful God has given me the time to do so. I'm grateful He led me to start blogging- sharing my personal journal with the world.  Because had I not done so, my journal would have gone unwritten. Leaving me with a shallow and slow healing,  and holding back the opportunity to touch the world.

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