Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A Whole New Fear

Last weekend I drove for the first time this winter through snow covered roads.  And I realized something changed.  Something happened to me the day I became a widow, and I didn't recognize it until a year later. I felt it that day driving home, and it reminded me of the first time I felt it when I left Gabriel for the half marathon last fall... My mortality.  It seems when I travel away from my son I am much more aware of the fact that I am all he has, and if something happens to me, he will have nothing.  And in that moment I am covered with fear.

So I drove for 2 hours down I-75, on snow covered roads.  I drove slow, but ever mindful of how steep the hill was on the other side of the shoulder.  "Yup that's steep enough that I would die," or "if I slid off the road here I might flip, or roll."  What a horror to drive down the road morbidly aware of every danger that could end your life and rob your son of his only parent.  Its fear.  And its no way to live.

I prayed as I drove, and took authority over the fear, but still it lingered.  "Fear you must go! God hasn't given me a spirit of fear in Jesus' name."  But it continued.  It was overwhelming.  Then I recalled the movie I watched the night before, how the man was instructed to envision the golf shot before ever attempting it. Once he envisioned it, and took the swing, he made the shot just like he saw in his mind.  I realized I was doing this.  All my visions of my van driving off the road, over the edge of a steep hill, was envisioning a crash.  I had to stop. And I had to stop immediately.

I was stressed, I was full of fear, I was anxious.  I knew I needed a break.  So once I approached the outlet mall, I took an hour for retail therapy.  Not only was it a successful session: I was calm and relaxed, but the hour made the road conditions much more favorable.  So I continued my trip home, and was thrilled to make it there safely and into my son's arms.

Today's post has no great lesson, no secret to overcoming.  It is simply my realization of how losing a spouse can impact your life, create fear, and put you in bondage.  For me its a battle with fear to take a trip apart from my son.  I'm learning to put my trust in God that He will protect me.  And I'm realizing that maybe I'm not ready to drive in snow so far from home.  I know God created me to live in freedom.  I know I don't have to be afraid of not being there for my boy as he grows.  I know I have to find God's promises on fear, and say them, read them and pray them.  The fear I felt last week was heart wrenching and I am believing God to break me free from its power.

1 comment:

  1. I, too, have become very aware of my own mortality since my husband and both parents all went to heaven within 4 months' time. It can be very overwhelming at times. I find that trying to focus on one day at a time instead of looking ahead to all the questions of my future does help.