Thursday, January 26, 2012


I'm terrified!  Its hard to admit it.  I am terrified of change.  I don't know where my life is heading, or where I am going to be in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, etc.  I am terrified that I don't have all the information to make the decisions I need to make for today.  I am terrified of not having control over my life.  Most of all I'm terrified of making a mistake.

As one who has seen her whole world shift in an instant more than once, I yearn for a normal life, a predictable life.  And dare I say, a boring life.  I have had enough excitement to last me a life time.  I just want to know where I am heading, what I will be doing and who I will be doing it with.  It doesn't seem like too much to ask.  Yet God requires us to walk by faith, trusting Him.  

I feel like I'm walking down a trail through the woods blindfolded. Yes God is holding my hands, and he's pulling and directing me.  He leads me through that still small voice.  I know He's got it all figured out and under control, yet I still wish I could take the blind fold off.  I wish I could look down the path 2 months ahead, even a year ahead.  I wish I knew where the path was taking me.  Am I walking towards a lake? A field? Exactly where am I headed?

Change is scary.  Not having control is scary.  In the moment when I was widowed my life changed. In that moment, that second when I heard those words, and saw it with my own eyes, I lost control.  Everything changed! I could no longer control my life and chose its course.  The path I was headed down came to a dead end, and I couldn't see a clear trail leading any direction.  My emotional capacity changed.  My parenting changed.  My lifestyle changed.  My pain changed.  My story changed.  Everything! My career, my dreams, my focus, all changed in that one moment.  I no longer had control over any of it.

So even though I stand at the top of this trail thats leading me somewhere wonderful, I'm terrified. I'm walking cautiously, testing the ground as I go. I know that there is a greater life than the one I had and the one I am in now, but I am still scared of it.  I don't want to miss my turn on the path.  I don't want to stumble over a tree root I could have avoided.  I don't want to get to the bottom of this trail and realize I missed the journey because I was too focused on the destination.  I'm afraid to leave the meadow, because I am comfortable here.  And taking this path, into the unknown, is not comfortable.

It takes trust. It takes faith.  I feel like Ruth in this moment.  She had lost it all, and was ready to walk away from everything she knew to be with her mother in law, Naomi.  Despite Naomi's pleadings to Ruth to return to her own home, Ruth was determined to follow her.  

"For wherever you go, I will go;  And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; 
Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God." Ruth 1:16

I am sure Ruth was scared.  She was leaving her country and all she had ever known.  She must have been terrified just like I feel today.  But she walked the path anyway.  And God blessed her.  God sent a redeemer kinsman, and her whole life changed again, this time for the better. Thats the hope I cling to.  I am scared, I am afraid of change, and I'm not in control.  But the God of Ruth is my God.  And even though its change and its scary, its for the better!

"11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11


  1. Jenn, it doesn't matter what age we are widowed, facing all the changes and the unknowns IS a scary place.

  2. Yes it is! I am grateful to have God to hold my hand through it all.