As one who has seen her whole world shift in an instant more than once, I yearn for a normal life, a predictable life. And dare I say, a boring life. I have had enough excitement to last me a life time. I just want to know where I am heading, what I will be doing and who I will be doing it with. It doesn't seem like too much to ask. Yet God requires us to walk by faith, trusting Him.
I feel like I'm walking down a trail through the woods blindfolded. Yes God is holding my hands, and he's pulling and directing me. He leads me through that still small voice. I know He's got it all figured out and under control, yet I still wish I could take the blind fold off. I wish I could look down the path 2 months ahead, even a year ahead. I wish I knew where the path was taking me. Am I walking towards a lake? A field? Exactly where am I headed?
Change is scary. Not having control is scary. In the moment when I was widowed my life changed. In that moment, that second when I heard those words, and saw it with my own eyes, I lost control. Everything changed! I could no longer control my life and chose its course. The path I was headed down came to a dead end, and I couldn't see a clear trail leading any direction. My emotional capacity changed. My parenting changed. My lifestyle changed. My pain changed. My story changed. Everything! My career, my dreams, my focus, all changed in that one moment. I no longer had control over any of it.
So even though I stand at the top of this trail thats leading me somewhere wonderful, I'm terrified. I'm walking cautiously, testing the ground as I go. I know that there is a greater life than the one I had and the one I am in now, but I am still scared of it. I don't want to miss my turn on the path. I don't want to stumble over a tree root I could have avoided. I don't want to get to the bottom of this trail and realize I missed the journey because I was too focused on the destination. I'm afraid to leave the meadow, because I am comfortable here. And taking this path, into the unknown, is not comfortable.
It takes trust. It takes faith. I feel like Ruth in this moment. She had lost it all, and was ready to walk away from everything she knew to be with her mother in law, Naomi. Despite Naomi's pleadings to Ruth to return to her own home, Ruth was determined to follow her.